My Dark Passenger

"I just know there's something dark in me and I hide it. I certainly don't talk about it, but it's there always, this Dark Passenger. And when he's driving, I feel alive, half sick with the thrill of complete wrongness. I don't fight him, I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nothing else could love me, not even... especially not me. Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me? Because lately there are these moments when I feel connected to something else... someone. It's like the mask is slipping and things... people... who never mattered before are suddenly starting to matter. It scares the hell out of me."

~Dexter Morgan, Season 2 of Dexter.

No TV show has ever made an impact on me the way this show has. As someone who likes to fancy himself a writer, the writing for this show has me completely entranced. Add to that certain topics on the show that have paralleled my life, and you have a "must see" as far as I am concerned. I didn't think anything would replace Mad Men as my favorite TV show for a while, but even as the third season of Mad Men is approaching this Sunday, I find myself anticipating even more the release of the third season of Dexter on DVD a couple days later. There are few TV shows I would ever watch more than once, so I never had a need to buy a full season on DVD when I can just rent them, but I'm definitely considering this as a purchase. Although with my Borders gift card which I received for my birthday last year now spent, on Dexter books no less, I'll have to check the price on the DVD set and add that into my calculation along with the cost of subscribing to showtime....where I might just be able to watch them 'On Demand' anyway.

When I heard the quote above while watching the show, I kinda held my breath listening to it. I've never been addicted to anything in my life, like the group at NA he was speaking to at that point in the episode, but I know this feeling. Some people refer to it more often as the devil on their shoulder, but that implies a conscious decision being made after being persuaded by the words of that devil residing on your shoulder. I've definitely been there too, my devil isn't so small to tell you the truth, but the "dark passenger" analogy really explained certain things I do a lot better than the devil analogy ever could.

This morning was a perfect example of it. I never did any dishes before going to sleep last night, so I wouldn't have time to do the dishes AND make breakfast for myself this morning. No big deal really, I get to sleep in a few minutes more, and I can have a small, healthy breakfast at work. It helped that I wasn't very hungry at all this morning too, so my 70 cal breakfast would have been ample for me until my morning snack. Then when I leave for work, I end up in the drive thru lane at McDonalds ordering a couple bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits even though I don't have the time, nor the desire, to eat them. I honestly didn't want them....but I got them.

I clearly exhibited a few addict traits this morning when I ate breakfast. I've already said I didn't consciously want the food I got....I regretted it at the time, and regret it now. I didn't really enjoy my meal....I just ate it. And when I ate it, I consciously chose a parking spot facing a wall so no one would see me eating them in my car on my way into work. The one good thing about my breakfast, calorie wise at least, was that I had a diet Dr. Pepper with it instead of regular Dr. Pepper....and that was by mistake. And by the way, Diet Dr. Pepper does NOT taste "more like Dr. Pepper" as their slogan says....it's pretty god-awful if you ask me.

A lot of my gym progress has been offset by the devil and the dark passenger over the last couple of weeks. While I rarely go over my 1250 calorie a day limit, I will sacrifice healthy snacks and meals in the wake of eating a less than healthy meal somewhere in the day. For instance, I have already skipped my morning snack for today, will have a limited lunch and dinner later as well to make sure I stay under my calorie cap for the day. Loading all your calories into one meal is not a recipe for losing weight, yet I have done it plenty of times in the last week or so.

I know with the right mindset I can fight off the devil, and even the dark passenger to some extent. I just need to get into the right frame of mind. Realize what I am doing at all times, take my bike more places than my car so I can't do the drive thru thing, take different routes so I don't drive past a BK or McDonalds when I have a craving. I know what I need to do. I just need to do it, and continue doing it. I need to exhibit one more trait of an addict, and take this all one meal at a time.