Riding the Wave

For the last few days, I have been riding a wave of "feel good" emotion. I am normally a relatively happy person, always thankful for who and what I have in my life. Anyone who knows me pretty well can tell you that it wasn't always that way though. As a matter of fact for a few years, I was rather unhappy. Slowly but surely, I changed the way I looked at things and turned into someone with a much better outlook on everything in his life.

Recently, it has seemed as if I took a step back from all that progress I made. I noticed it, and tried to hide it....but those close to me weren't fooled and called me out on it. I wasn't trying to be sullen or melancholy....those traits are only popular in fictional characters. I was actually trying my hardest to be my normal shiny, happy self....and maybe that in and of itself also contributed to my sour moods.

For a while, I fought awfully hard against my emotions....all the while knowing I was wrong to do so, but thinking I had to stay strong for the people around me. It's really not easy when the people in your family who you have looked up to all your life, your heroes really, tell you in a time of crisis that YOU are the backbone of the family. Mind you, I am flattered to be thought of that way....but the added stress when things really hit the fan is not something I readily welcome. Very often I handle my personal stress by withdrawing a bit, but thinking about how I need to help everyone else through makes that withdrawal a little more noticeable.

So how is it that now, amidst some of the worst things many people close to me could ever go through, that I am in such a good mood all of a sudden? Well, to be honest, it really isn't all of a sudden. Some like to say that time heals all wounds, but I'm not really a subscriber to that. I believe that time helps you add perspective, commonly referred to as wisdom when coupled with personal experiences. This perspective or wisdom helps you see things a little clearer, and evaluate them, and what they mean to you, a lot better.

Many people file that under the heading of "healing", but I file it under "learning". And considering I have a life long quest to learn as much as I can, especially about myself, I consider this a very important process. Not only important, but extremely healthy too. My mental and emotional dexterity can always use a nice workout, so while it may not be fun to go through these rough patches....I do welcome them as part of my maturation process.

Probably the biggest thing to set me in motion on this wave has been my outlook for the future. Things are a lot different now than a few months ago. Instead of starting the new year in a new city with a new job, I will be here doing the same old thing for a little longer....and debating on if/when I will pursue moving out there again. School was put on hold for said relocation, and I will be going back in a few weeks, assuming I can get into the classes I want. I don't have a car....I've been driving a borrowed car for almost two months. So many things are up in the air right now....and I don't mind one bit.

I've hurdled the obstacles of the past few weeks....past few months....past few years, and I've always come out smiling. Even when one trips me up and I fall for a little bit, I get up, dust myself off, and head back into the race with even more determination. Well, I am back up now and focused on what I really want out of life. The great thing about that is....I know it's well within my reach, and I am reminded of that on a daily basis. Things are good....and will be getting a lot better.