Why Bother?

I've been overcome by a "why bother?" attitude today. Actually, I guess in some ways it has been there a lot longer. My hair is a great example. I want to have it longer than it's been the last few years, but I have not had it cut in a few months and it's starting to look a little rough. But why bother cutting it?

My weight is another example. I have recently started to watch what I eat again, but you can definitely tell that I haven't cared too much about it in the last few years at all. Even carrying extra weight, I was always still relatively healthy....so why bother?

Today it seems to have crept into my career and school outlook. I have an exam today that I haven't studied for at all, a homework assignment due at the beginning of class today that I haven't touched, and a lab tonight that I need to prepare for....and all I can think is, "why bother?"

I know I went into detail on here not too long ago about the whole job thing and what's bothering me about that, so I won't rehash too much....but just thinking about the amount of time I've been stuck in one place has really gotten to me. It's not the place so much as the position. In the last few years I have watched so many people come and go, most going on to bigger and better things, as I sat in the same chair. Watching friends and colleagues earn better things for themselves is always nice, and I'd never begrudge them what they deserve....but am I out of line for thinking I deserve something other than a pat on the back every now and again?

I honestly believe there is no one that performs their job better than I perform my own. Many people do just as well, but I don't believe anyone could ever outwork me. Couple that with my intelligence and ability to pick up anything quickly, and I truly believe that I am a great candidate for any job....much less the jobs that I've been applying for which I definitely qualify for. And all I ask is for a fair shake....a little balance. I want the same opportunity that anyone else gets, yet I don't think I have....and am beginning to really think that I never will if I continue to sit in the same chair those 8 hours a day M-F. Yet, everything I've tried to get away from that chair has ended in a resounding thud....some worse than others. And I am surrounded by constant reminders.

Of course, me being me, I can't leave it at that. So I begin to question even more. Why? What are the reasons behind all this? There is only one place I can rightfully point my finger....and that is at myself. Maybe it all comes down to me being wrong about everything I just said. And the more I think about it, the more evidence there is to support that. Maybe I am just fooling myself, and all these things I pride myself on aren't accurate.

I know it's very hard to look at ourselves objectively, but I always thought I was very good at it. Maybe I am wrong about that too, but I think my overwhelming sense of self-doubt lately supports my claim....at least a little.

In putting all this together, I seem to come back to the same conclusion over and over again; I am wrong. In the end, I must not be seeing myself as well as others do. And it's really shaking my foundation to think that I am not the employee/prospective employee that I always thought I was....and, therefore, not the man I think myself to be either.