Romance, who loves to nod and sing,I really don't know where to start with this post. It's going to be my own personal bitch-fest. Warning: I feel a lot of whining coming on here.
With drowsy head and folded wing,
I've done more than my fare share of thinking about life lately. I've looked back, I've looked forward, and I've really been focusing on now. And right now, I am in survival mode. That may sound all well and good, but to me it's distressing. Surviving is making it through. Survival is getting by. Survival is the lowest form of existence. Amoeba survive. Survival is, of course, essential to living....but survival on it's own is not life.Among the green leaves as they shake
Herein lies my problem. I don't want to just survive. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; I like feeling alive.
Far down within some shadowy lake,
By and large I am a very passionate person. When I am passionate about something, I grab it hard with both hands and won't let it go. But I need to have that passion first. I have no passion at work. My job is rather repetitive, and not at all difficult for me to do....but there is no passion there for me. I do my job to the best of my abilities....better than anyone else ever could, save my partner. Our job suits us, and we suit our job. I don't think there's anyone better equipped to do what we do....but doing something well isn't the same thing as being passionate about it.
To me a painted paroquet
I was passionate about my last job from the first day til the very last. Some may say that was my downfall with the job, while I claim my own stupidity was. What led to my departure from that job is not the issue though, it was how I felt about the job. Sure there are aspects I didn't like about it, but I learned very quickly that nothing in this life is perfect. But that job was probably as perfect for me at that time than any job could ever be from now on.
Hath been- a most familiar bird-
I liked going into work. I looked forward to seeing my work friends, as well as the people I worked with who were TRUE friends. I liked what I did, I loved the hours, I really enjoyed going out with all my like-minded co-workers after work, or hitting a random metro-area bar with them on a Wednesday night since we all had midweek "weekends". I also made about twice the money there than I am making now....so that didn't hurt either.
I liked going into work. I looked forward to seeing my work friends, as well as the people I worked with who were TRUE friends. I liked what I did, I loved the hours, I really enjoyed going out with all my like-minded co-workers after work, or hitting a random metro-area bar with them on a Wednesday night since we all had midweek "weekends". I also made about twice the money there than I am making now....so that didn't hurt either.
Taught me my alphabet to say-
It's kind of ironic that my last job made it possible for Chris and I to afford the wedding we (SHE) wanted, yet that job was the very thing that finally ended our relationship. After years of our tumultuous life together, it ended up being the final straw. She was a quick tempered girl, for sure, but never showed any signs of jealousy until I started to hang out with my coworkers after work. Since we got out of work at 4am, she could never tag along with us, and the few times she did go out with us when we got together at a "normal" time , she played the outgoing fiance' part perfectly, but her facade was much different than what was bubbling beneath. Seeing as happy as I was with my work friends, and how much fun we had got to her. She couldn't stand that she wasn't really a part of that side of my life, and probably never would be because of our conflicting work schedules.
It's kind of ironic that my last job made it possible for Chris and I to afford the wedding we (SHE) wanted, yet that job was the very thing that finally ended our relationship. After years of our tumultuous life together, it ended up being the final straw. She was a quick tempered girl, for sure, but never showed any signs of jealousy until I started to hang out with my coworkers after work. Since we got out of work at 4am, she could never tag along with us, and the few times she did go out with us when we got together at a "normal" time , she played the outgoing fiance' part perfectly, but her facade was much different than what was bubbling beneath. Seeing as happy as I was with my work friends, and how much fun we had got to her. She couldn't stand that she wasn't really a part of that side of my life, and probably never would be because of our conflicting work schedules.
To lisp my very earliest word
It didn't take her too long to try and force me to switch to the sunrise shift (4am-noon) so we would "have more time together"....knowing full well that would practically end all my current work relationships, and that I would be miserable with those hours because I am a night owl by nature. She argued her side with absolutely no regard for my feelings on the matter, so I didn't let the argument go on very long. At one point, she said something to the extent of, "If you really loved me, you'd do this so we could spend more time together."
While in the wild wood I did lie,
I couldn't believe my ears. Not only was her logic flawed, because we would have had pretty much the same amount of time together, just different hours. What got to me was the use of my love for her as a weapon against me to get what she wanted, without a care about how it would affect me. Less than a week later the wedding was cancelled.
I couldn't believe my ears. Not only was her logic flawed, because we would have had pretty much the same amount of time together, just different hours. What got to me was the use of my love for her as a weapon against me to get what she wanted, without a care about how it would affect me. Less than a week later the wedding was cancelled.
A child- with a most knowing eye.
So now that I have completed THAT tangent, I can now say that where I intended to go with that was independence. Working that job was the last time I felt really independent, which has been harder and harder for me to handle of late.
So now that I have completed THAT tangent, I can now say that where I intended to go with that was independence. Working that job was the last time I felt really independent, which has been harder and harder for me to handle of late.
Of late, eternal Condor years
I've always been an independent person. In my thoughts, in my actions, and sometimes in my surroundings. As much as I love being around my friends and family, and that is the time when I really thrive mind you, I do need to be alone sometimes. I guess time spent alone in my room growing up as an only child could have something to do with that, but I think everyone feels it to some extent every now and again.
I've always been an independent person. In my thoughts, in my actions, and sometimes in my surroundings. As much as I love being around my friends and family, and that is the time when I really thrive mind you, I do need to be alone sometimes. I guess time spent alone in my room growing up as an only child could have something to do with that, but I think everyone feels it to some extent every now and again.
So shake the very Heaven on high
My current living situation is perfect for that. My roommate and I are best of friends, and work opposite shifts. But while I have independence at home, I don't feel independent in my life at all....and a lot of that goes back to how much I make at my current job. Before I even get into that, I know I am lucky to even have a job in this area right now....and that my pay is better than a whole heck of a lot of people. I realize this, but that just can't hold back how frustrated I am lately.
My current living situation is perfect for that. My roommate and I are best of friends, and work opposite shifts. But while I have independence at home, I don't feel independent in my life at all....and a lot of that goes back to how much I make at my current job. Before I even get into that, I know I am lucky to even have a job in this area right now....and that my pay is better than a whole heck of a lot of people. I realize this, but that just can't hold back how frustrated I am lately.
With tumult as they thunder by,
About a year and a half ago I decided to go back to school. I was doing ok, but wanted to do more. School and bills were gonna be a little bit of a struggle, but I could handle it and not change too much in my life. So I went for it. Then my first pay cut hit me. Not that big of a deal, it was expected...and only about 3%. No big deal, just a couple small changes here and there to save a few bucks a day. Then the second pay cut hit. And THAT was a big one. Combined with the first pay cut, my annual income decreased by 30%. That was about 18 months ago, and I am still reeling and trying to make things work.
About a year and a half ago I decided to go back to school. I was doing ok, but wanted to do more. School and bills were gonna be a little bit of a struggle, but I could handle it and not change too much in my life. So I went for it. Then my first pay cut hit me. Not that big of a deal, it was expected...and only about 3%. No big deal, just a couple small changes here and there to save a few bucks a day. Then the second pay cut hit. And THAT was a big one. Combined with the first pay cut, my annual income decreased by 30%. That was about 18 months ago, and I am still reeling and trying to make things work.
I have no time for idle cares
I know that money isn't everything. If it was, I would have gone and worked with my father years ago. He recently retired, yet another source of frustration for my family and I, but up until his retirement he constantly made a six figure salary. And he loved to tell me how I would have been making nearly double what he did, if not more, had I hired into the job he wanted me to take, when he wanted me to take it. I never would have survived long enough to see that though....and I knew it. I would not have been happy there.
I know that money isn't everything. If it was, I would have gone and worked with my father years ago. He recently retired, yet another source of frustration for my family and I, but up until his retirement he constantly made a six figure salary. And he loved to tell me how I would have been making nearly double what he did, if not more, had I hired into the job he wanted me to take, when he wanted me to take it. I never would have survived long enough to see that though....and I knew it. I would not have been happy there.
Through gazing on the unquiet sky.
So it's not a ton of money I am looking for. Some more would definitely help, but I think the biggest thing that was lost with my wage cut was my morale. Like so many other things with me, it wasn't exactly WHAT happened, but more so HOW it happened that bothered me....and obviously still does.
So it's not a ton of money I am looking for. Some more would definitely help, but I think the biggest thing that was lost with my wage cut was my morale. Like so many other things with me, it wasn't exactly WHAT happened, but more so HOW it happened that bothered me....and obviously still does.
And when an hour with calmer wings
It didn't take me long after the pay cuts to look elsewhere. It's not easy to find a good job around here, but thankfully I am not limited to this state alone. I found plenty of good leads out of state. From good jobs that I would like in a city that I love, to great jobs I would love in another metropolitan are that I would definitely like. Those all fell through one way or another, along with my best leads around here as well. The most recent one was number 12. A dozen times I have found positions I have been excited for, that I qualified for, and would excel at. A dozen times I've been denied....or even ignored.
It didn't take me long after the pay cuts to look elsewhere. It's not easy to find a good job around here, but thankfully I am not limited to this state alone. I found plenty of good leads out of state. From good jobs that I would like in a city that I love, to great jobs I would love in another metropolitan are that I would definitely like. Those all fell through one way or another, along with my best leads around here as well. The most recent one was number 12. A dozen times I have found positions I have been excited for, that I qualified for, and would excel at. A dozen times I've been denied....or even ignored.
Its down upon my spirit flings-
To be honest, I don't know which is worse. First, I have to clarify that these 12 jobs were not all applied for in the last 18 months. They have been over the last few years while I was in this job. Some of them were for advancement in my current job location, others were local or out of state jobs I couldn't pass up the opportunity to apply and interview for. Unfortunately, I never seem to get to the interview stage anymore. Only one of the 12 jobs that I went after had me in for interviews. A few of them scheduled interviews, only to have it fall through for one reason or another, but a good amount of those 12 never contacted me at all. And now that I think about it, not a single one of the local jobs contacted me, while all but one of the out of state jobs wanted to bring me in for interviews.
To be honest, I don't know which is worse. First, I have to clarify that these 12 jobs were not all applied for in the last 18 months. They have been over the last few years while I was in this job. Some of them were for advancement in my current job location, others were local or out of state jobs I couldn't pass up the opportunity to apply and interview for. Unfortunately, I never seem to get to the interview stage anymore. Only one of the 12 jobs that I went after had me in for interviews. A few of them scheduled interviews, only to have it fall through for one reason or another, but a good amount of those 12 never contacted me at all. And now that I think about it, not a single one of the local jobs contacted me, while all but one of the out of state jobs wanted to bring me in for interviews.
That little time with lyre and rhyme
The one job I did interview for, which is by far the hardest of all these employers to get hired into, I was offered and hired for....but somewhere in the hiring process a certain event prevented me from fulfilling all the required job duties, and I was told to reapply when I could. I was devastated to hear that, but encouraged to get as far as I did. It definitely leaves the door open for better opportunities there sometime in the near future.
The one job I did interview for, which is by far the hardest of all these employers to get hired into, I was offered and hired for....but somewhere in the hiring process a certain event prevented me from fulfilling all the required job duties, and I was told to reapply when I could. I was devastated to hear that, but encouraged to get as far as I did. It definitely leaves the door open for better opportunities there sometime in the near future.
To while away- forbidden things!
And just thinking about being hired for that job after the interview increases my level of frustration. Only ONCE in my life have I ever interviewed for a job and not been offered that position, or even a better one. And in my defense, that was a co-op job interview that I was required to go on and the store was required to interview me for....even though both I and the interviewer knew someone else had already gotten the job. So I choose not to really count that as a failure on my part. :-)
And just thinking about being hired for that job after the interview increases my level of frustration. Only ONCE in my life have I ever interviewed for a job and not been offered that position, or even a better one. And in my defense, that was a co-op job interview that I was required to go on and the store was required to interview me for....even though both I and the interviewer knew someone else had already gotten the job. So I choose not to really count that as a failure on my part. :-)
My heart would feel to be a crime
Another thing that has been adding to my frustration is the fact that I don't have a vacation to look forward to. Usually I have something planned for the upcoming year by now, and usually it's a Vegas trip, but there's nothing there yet....and I really don't see the prospect for one anytime soon. I've been needing a new car for a while now, and my last job prospect falling through will probably be the difference between me buying a car I want or just a car for transportation....so how could I really justify the extra money for a vacation at this time. So I will keep my nose to the grindstone, every day, while I sit here being the posterboy for Southwest Airlines. I just want to get away.
Another thing that has been adding to my frustration is the fact that I don't have a vacation to look forward to. Usually I have something planned for the upcoming year by now, and usually it's a Vegas trip, but there's nothing there yet....and I really don't see the prospect for one anytime soon. I've been needing a new car for a while now, and my last job prospect falling through will probably be the difference between me buying a car I want or just a car for transportation....so how could I really justify the extra money for a vacation at this time. So I will keep my nose to the grindstone, every day, while I sit here being the posterboy for Southwest Airlines. I just want to get away.
Unless it trembled with the strings.
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