Rusted From the Rain

While I don't feel tired, this lack of good sleep is beginning to get to me. Looks like today is gonna be one of those "just eff it" days. Only being able to sleep for an hour at a time is fine for afternoon naps, but when it carries over to my night that can get kind of annoying. Roll over; 12:30....roll over; 1:30....2:30....3:30....then when the alarm goes off at 4:30, I am actually sound asleep. Sigh.

I stumble through the wreckage, rusted from the rain

There's nothing left to salvage, no-one left to blame

If that wasn't enough to sour my mood on this wonderful morning, the rain took care of the rest. Sinus headache, achy joints (especially my injured shoulder which I must have slept on for one of my hour long naps), and freeway idiocy. Wow, I sound like a whiny little kid. Oh well....Eff it.

Among the broken mirrors, I don't look the same

I'm rusted from the rain, I'm rusted from the rain

Even before my trouble sleeping last night, something was sapping my motivation this week. I actually talked with more than one co-worker about it yesterday and found out I wasn't the only one. Maybe the change in the weather lately is getting to everybody....who knows?

Dissect me 'til my blood runs down into the drain

My bitter heart is pumping oil into my veins

Whatever the case may be, today marks two months since I laid my X down on the freeway and I still haven't completely healed. The shoulder, wrist, and hands are on the mend and coming along slowly but surely. Mentally, I was ready to get back on a bike as soon as I left the hospital, but said wrist injury makes squeezing the clutch lever painful on one bike, and nearly impossible on the other.

I'm nothing but a tin man, I don't feel any pain

I don't feel any pain, I'm rusted from the rain

My life looks a lot different today than it did the morning of Aug 21st. Plenty has changed with me and those close to me, and this may have something to do with my mood of late. After two of the people who know me best in this world expressed concern for the way I have been acting lately, I had a period of introspection last night and concluded that, even though I thought I was fine and dandy the last couple months, I really haven't been.

Go on...crush me like a flower, rusted from the rain

Go on...strip me of my powers, beat me with your chains

One thing after another has chopped away at my granite facade in that time and, even though I haven't noticed it, there has been a change. My mom pointed out to me yesterday that, despite all the stuff I/we have been dealing with, I would normally have bounced back by now and been back to my old self again....and she's right, like she so often is. She ended the text, which led to a lengthy phone conversation, by saying she "just wanted her son back" and that she loved me. With a support system like that, how can I ever feel down at all?

And if...I'm the King of cowards, you're the Queen of pain

I'm rusted from the rain, I'm rusted from the rain

But see, that's just it....I HAVE been down. Not constantly, but I have had my moments. And those moments have been more frequent and have lasted longer than they ever would have before. On the flip side, I have also had many moments of pure joy in this time. My mood has been full of peaks and valleys, but not everyone has gotten to see the peaks.

You hung me like a picture, now I'm just a frame

I used to be a lap dog, now I'm just a stray

Which is why it was a little alarming to have someone who has seen the peaks, as well as the valleys, be one of those who expressed concern with my state of mind yesterday. If my mood has seemed a little lower than normal to one of the very few people who gets to see the very best of my moods, how must everyone else be seeing me? And how in the world did this escape my attention? And why, after being able to pinpoint all this, am I so sour this morning? Usually when I notice something like that, I am able to pull myself out of it in no time.

Shackled in a graveyard, left here to decay

Left here to decay, I'm rusted from the rain

So this time is different. No better, no worse....just different. Overall I am still my shiny, happy self and an eternal optimist. Some of the things I've been dealing with will take some time to stop completely bothering me, but they will stop. If they haven't already. Some forces not under my control have conspired to add even more stress to my life at a time where it couldn't be more of a hindrance. It's the classic case of little things, that wouldn't have any affect on their own, adding up to create an issue greater than the sum of their parts. But that won't last long either.

Go on...crush me like a flower, rusted from the rain

Go on...strip me of my powers, beat me with your chains

So while I've had to fake a few smiles here and there, especially at work, the genuine smiles are still there too. Still plentiful as a matter of fact. It may take some time to completely digest some of the things I have on my plate, but I'm sure no one could argue that my appetite isn't strong enough to eat it all up rather quickly. See, I'm making food analogies....my mood must already be lifting.

And if...I'm the King of cowards, you're the Queen of pain

I'm rusted from the rain, I'm rusted from the rain

Long story short (too late), I realize I haven't been myself lately. What I didn't realize is how obvious that was to some people, and how that could cause some concern. No worries. I'm still that same goofy 12 year-old boy inside, and I don't see anything changing that any time soon.