How Not to Talk Your Way Out of a Ticket (A poker player's analysis)

Me: Afternoon Trooper, how are you today? (Always start out with a pleasant question, like a probe bet it will tell you where you are in the hand)

Douchebag Trooper: Do you know why I pulled you over? (Trying to convey strength, he's obviously concerned about the strength of his hand)

Me: Truthfully I have no idea sir. (Smooth call the reraise to make him think he's taken control of the hand)

DT: Do you know how fast you were going? (Too strong of a continuation bet, he's still worried about his hand)

Me: Yes sir, 74 mph. (Another smooth call to make him wonder exactly what you have)

DT: So you admit that you were speeding? (Reading me as weak, he checks and tries to trap me here)

Me: I admit that I was driving 4 over, that's what I always set my cruise at. (Small bet hoping for a reraise)

DT: And why is that? (Min raise)

Me: Cause I come from a family of cops, went to school to be a cop, and that's what we all do since it's too much trouble to pull someone over and write them up for only four over. I've actually never heard of anyone doing it. (Min reraise, lets see where he stands)

DT: You went to school to be a cop but you aren't now....and why is that? (Another min reraise, what is this donkey doing?)

Me: When I graduated I decided there were too many douchebag cops in the area so I went into the private sector. (Enough of this bullshit, I'm all in)

DT: Excuse me? (In the tank, and on the verge of tilt)

Me: Well, Detroit is a death sentence, being a Wayne County deputy is a life sentence, and the suburbs are full of douchebags....since Michigan State Police wasn't hiring at the time I decided to get paid protecting Corporate America. (Table chatter giving off false tells of strength because even though I may not have a hand, I know he's uncomfortable with his)

DT: Alright, well do me a favor and watch your speed. It's rush hour, and even 4 over can be dangerous at this time of day. (Folding his hand without showing, even though he says he's got pocket kings)

Me: Will do sir. Have a good day, and stay safe the rest of your shift. (Telling him it was a good fold because I had the nuts)

Disclaimer: Do not try this at home, I am a professional asshole.

Tags; Not Just for Decoration

This one is to be filed under "Too Embarrassing to Elaborate".

So I procrastinate. A lot. I've got a date tonight and need to get a few things ready beforehand. Do I make sure everything is taken care of before I leave for work this morning? No. I've got time after work.

Had I not procrastinated, I would have seen the little tag that says DRY CLEAN ONLY and I just might have listened to it. But being pressed for time I think, "What's the worst that could happen?" and put it in the washing machine on the perm press cycle. That will do it just fine.

Fast forward a couple hours and here I am, sitting in track pants and a hoodie, one delicate item lighter, silently hoping that my washing machine isn't damaged by this debacle. To make matters worse, my date just texted me and said she probably won't be able to make out it now.

Being me rocks.