Morning Music 11-25-09

Well, I've had this as a draft for over a week now....guess it's about time to post it.

1. Kings and Queens- 30 Seconds to Mars. "The age of man is over A darkness comes and all These lessons that we learned here Have only just begun"

2. Savior- Rise Against. "Uncurled the fingers in your hand, Pressed into the flesh like sand"

3. Hooked on a Feeling- "I can't stop this feelin' deep inside of me
Girl, you just don't realize what you do to me
When ya hold me in your arms so tight
You let me know everything's all right
I-I-I, I'm hooked on a feelin'
High on believin' that you're in love with me
Lips are sweet as candy, the taste stays on my mind
Girl, you keep me thirsty for another cup of wine
I got it bad for you, girl but I don't need a cure
I'll just stay addicted and hope I can endure
All the good love when we're all alone
Keep it up, girl, yeah ya turn me on"

4. Afterlife- Avenged Sevenfold. "I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening, Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be"

5. The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows- Brand New. "I lie for only you. And I lie well...Hallelu..."

6. Just Like Heaven- The Cure. "Spinning on that dizzy edge, I kissed her face and kissed her head, and dreamed of all the different ways I had, to make her glow."

7. Bliss- Muse. "Everything about you is how I'd wanna be, Your freedom comes naturally, Everything about you resonates happiness, Now I won't settle for less."

8. Dangerous- Ying Yang Twins, feat Wyclef. "I see the fire in her eyes, Fire in her eyes, The way she moves, She got the fire in her eyes, Fire on her waist, Fire in her thighs,I love the scandal"

9. Whisper to a Scream- Icicle Works. "Love comes, down upon us, Till you flow like water, Burning, with the hope of insight, Feathered, look they're covered, with a bright elation, Stolen, in the sight of love"

10, Walkin' After Midnight- Patsy Cline. "I go out walkin', After midnight, Out in the starlight, Just hoping you may be, Somewhere walkin', After midnight, Searching for me."

Sidney, OH

After spending the weekend with my parents, I came home and jumped in the shower, then crashed for a little while (man did I miss my own bed). When I woke up, I had quite the hankering for some Jimmy Johns. They don't charge much for delivery, but I felt like getting out of the house...I just couldn't sit there all day, I had to do SOMETHING.

Once I got a couple sandwiches, I jumped back in the car and headed away from the house. I just started driving. No place in mind...just go. At one point I noticed that if I drove south, I could keep an eye on the sun but not have it directly in my face at all.

So south I drove...watching the sun gradually sink lower and lower, until it finally hit the horizon and the bright colors in the clouds filled my car and my eyes with a beautiful orange/purple glow.

When the sun completely set, I found myself in a town called Sidney, OH...about 95 miles north of Cincinnati. I figured that was a good time to turn around and come home. Thankfully, I-75 in Ohio is so straight and flat and is allowing me to blog all this on my phone as I drive back.

Another Small Step

Last night I picked Kira up for the first time in a while. I'd only tried it once since my accident and nearly dropped the poor dog once I got her most of the way up and a biting pain shot through my shoulder and all the way into my hand. I obviously wasn't ready for anything like that yet.

The attempt last night went a lot smoother. I walked around holding her tight to my chest for a couple minutes before she got a little antsy, and my arm started to fatigue....maybe she noticed my fatigue before I did. After I put her down on her couch, she jumped around a little bit with that "are we gonna wrestle? cause I am gonna kick your *ss for doing that to me" kind of nervous excitement.

Unfortunately for my little ball of golden hate, it was not the time nor the place to wrestle, and she had to settle for a big hug and a kiss on top of the head to calm her down. Even if it was, after lugging her around for a couple minutes, my arm was in no mood to play. It didn't hurt, per se, but it wasn't up for wrestling with the dogs....that's for sure.

Today I am crazy sore from that simple little thing. It's great that I was able to do it at all, but holding a 75 lb dog to my chest for only a couple minutes making my shoulder tight and sore might not be the best sign for my recovery. Better, yes. Completely healed, still waiting on that one.

I'll see if I can get to the gym today and/or tomorrow to test the shoulder out a little more. Until I can try some light lifting with it to see how it reacts, I'll have to settle for all the stretching I do with it throughout the day. I'll say one thing at least, when it IS finally healed....it's gonna be a lot more limber than it was before. Now I just need to think of ways to put that to good use.

The Morning After

THE AGE OF MAN IS OVER
It's official. As of 9:59 last night, I have completed 33 years of my life sentence on this planet. I don't feel any older or any wiser today....even though it seems like just yesterday that I was this cocky, loud-mouthed kid driving around in mommy's car with my girlfriend looking for a private place to park.
A DARKNESS COMES AND ALL
In a lot of ways, I still feel like the teenage version of myself. Always learning new things, making mistakes here and there as I go along....but never regretting them, just learning from them. Sometimes the learning curve is a little longer than others, but I know I am still learning no matter what.
THESE LESSONS THAT WE LEARNED HERE
The one way I do feel older is physically....although that has a lot more to do with my crash, and the resulting inactivity. Every morning is difficult for me lately. Just getting out of bed now takes about as much effort as my entire morning routine would have only a few months ago. My legs, my back, my shoulder....all of them ache if I spend any significant time in bed. And if I am lucky enough to get that much time to lay in bed, the aches set in and keep me from sleeping a full night. Toss. Turn. Nod off. Rinse. Repeat.
HAVE ONLY JUST BEGUN
Last night was no different. After a long, wonderful day spending time with the people I love the most in this world, I was completely exhausted when I got home. Within ten minutes I was crawling in bed looking forward to a full night of rest. I really thought that I'd sleep a solid 6 hours until my alarm went off....but the 3am limit hit me again. This time a little earlier at 3:04 instead of 3:13. I don't get it. 5 nights of sleep this week ahead of a work day....only one was I able to sleep through the 3:00 hour without waking up.
WE WERE THE KINGS AND QUEENS OF PROMISE
Even with my abbreviated nights of rest, I haven't been too tired this week at work, and it has flown by. When I get home from work, well that's a different story. It seems this week I have needed a nap every single day to function in the afternoon. Yesterday was the exception. Although I definitely needed the nap, I needed to make a stop on the way to my parents house even more. There are always plenty of things to get done on your birthday when you procrastinate like I do, thankfully the Secretary of State wasn't busy at all when I got there. I'm very glad I went to Livonia right after work.
WE WERE THE VICTIMS OF OURSELVES
I had intended to do a music post for my birthday, but didn't happen to write down my songs for the day. The only one I am sure I listened to yesterday is Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars. I have listened to that song multiple times a day for a while now. Just LOVING it. Instead, I thought I would do my morning playlist today to make up for that....but as tired as I was last night, I never charged my iPod. And here I sit, musicless.
MAYBE THE CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD
It's been a while since I've tried to make it through my morning without an earbud hanging from my ear. It's probably been a few years actually. But I had a lot of time to sit and sift through my thoughts without distraction this morning....I really need to charge my iPod when I go to bed at night. LOL.
BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL

33

I still can't believe I ever made it to 30, much less 33....

It's not time for the grand, "why am I here, where am I going?" introspective post just yet. Instead, I am just going to enjoy my birthday, have fun with the people that I can spend time with on Saturday, regret not seeing the ones who can't be there, and take it all for what it's worth and be happy. Even with all the BS in the last couple months, I am MUCH happier today than I was at this time last year.
HAPPIER THAN EVER ACTUALLY.
I've got to believe that 33 is going to be a great year for me, and am looking forward to seeing what is in store for me.

Hollow-een

I just don't feel it this year. It's pretty obvious I haven't completely been myself the last couple months. Normally I am thinking of costume ideas MONTHS in advance, and while the costumes themselves may not always turn out the way I would hope, the ideas are usually pretty effing good. This time around, I never had a really good idea....and I never really spent time looking for ideas from elsewhere.

Add to that the fact that I haven't felt all that great today, and you get me sitting at home watching hockey on Halloween. A Halloween that falls on a Saturday no less....AND a Halloween that falls on a Saturday night that happens to have an extra hour because of the end of daylight savings. I sure would have lost that bet a few months ago.

Trust Me, I'm a...Wait, I Already Used That One

There are quite a few people in my life that I know I can trust with so many things. I am VERY lucky to have the friends and family that I do. Seeing as I am not exactly the most trusting person in the world, it's no small feat that I've found so many people who have earned a high level of my trust. Though a couple conversations I had last night really got me thinking about how few people I trust, or would trust, with everything. Everything I know. Everything I think. Everything I've done.

The first conversation that got me started was my grandma. She still sends me a check for $25 on my birthday every year, even though that was supposed to stop when I turned 18 or 21 or something. After reading the card and putting the check somewhere that I hope will help me remember to cash it this year, I grabbed my old phone and looked up her number to call her from my new phone....yeah, I still have like 15 contacts in my phone. Haven't gotten motivated to put the numbers I want in there, or more importantly, the numbers I want in there so I know to ignore the call.

At one point in the conversation she compared me to my Uncle Dwaine, which is generally a good comparison....or at least one I agree with most often, and this time it just happened to regard our shared trust issues, and her thoughts on why the two of us have them. I consider myself a somewhat insightful person, and have always attributed this to my mom....it's easy to see where she gets it from.

Never having any formal training, my grandmother broke down our issues to a common cause as well as any psychologist could, and was amazingly accurate according to my self-assessments on one of the root causes. I had nothing to say other than, "Yeah....that's a big part of it". We agreed that while it wasn't the only reason, it was a big part of why my uncle and I have trust issues.

Twenty minutes on the phone with my grandmother covered a lot of topics, and made me realize that I don't talk to her nearly enough anymore. I have all this wonderful wisdom at my disposal, and I never tap into it.

The next conversation, which actually happened before my call to Florida but I got to thinking more about because of that call to Florida, was my cousin. Her husband had a bday yesterday, which I thought was today and never actually wished him a happy bday yesterday, and they hadn't planned much of anything to celebrate it, so I am pretty much forcing her to take him out for a drink or two tonight, since I think that everyone needs to celebrate their bday one way or another....even if it's a little after the fact.

The reason she hadn't thought to make a night of it is that the two of them don't have any friends in the area. Both grew up here, but she finished high school and attended college in Florida before becoming a police officer in St. Petersburg. While the causes for her issues are much different than my own, she also doesn't trust very easily....hence no friends in this area, even though they've been back about two years now.

Then a conversation with Mike after finding out he and his girlfriend have split after nearly three years together, totally proving me wrong as a relationship handicapper because I said he wouldn't leave her until after Valentine's Day. Now he is someone that should probably have more trust issues than he does....but I guess he's got enough on his issues plate already.

Moving on to the one which really surprised me....a conversation with my mom. I've never been shy in admitting the amount of love, respect, admiration, and trust I have for my mom....but there are things that even she can't know about me at the moment. Then again, this conversation saw her pull a complete 180 from something she said the other day....since she has had time to think about it.

Of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg....and I don't trust everyone on the net enough to go any further, so how about a random playlist?

Morning Music 10-30-09

1. I'm Not Okay (I Promise)- My Chemical Romance. "I'm okay I'm okay! I'm okay now (I'm okay now) But you really need to listen to me 'Cause I'm telling you the truth I mean this I'm okay! (trust me) I'm not okay I'm not okay Well, I'm not okay I'm not o-f*cking-kay I'm not okay I'm not okay (okay)"

2. Peace Train- Cat Stevens. "Now I've been smiling lately, thinking about the good things to come And I believe it could be, something good has begun"

3. Rusted From the Rain- Billy Talent. "I stumble through the wreckage, Rusted from the rain. There's nothing left to salvage, No one left to blame. Among the broken mirrors, I don't look the same....My bitter heart is pumping Oil into my veins. I'm nothing but a tin man, Don't feel any pain. I don't feel any pain. I don't feel any pain. I'm rusted from the rain....You hung me like a picture, Now I'm just a frame. I used to be a lap dog, Now I'm just a stray. Shackled in the graveyard, Left here to decay.Left here to decay....Go on, crush me like a flower Rusted from the rain. C'mon strip me of my power Beat me with the chains. And if I'm the King of cowards, You're the Queen of pain. I'm rusted from the rain. I'm rusted from the rain."

4. Let it Rock- Kevin Rudolf. "Because when I arrive, I-I bring the fire. Make you come alive, I can take you higher....I wish I could be as cruel as you. I wish I could say the things you do. But I can't and I won't live a lie. No, not this time."

5. Don't Trust Me- 3OH!3. "Tell your boyfriend if he says hes got beef, That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't f*cking scared of him....I said, Shush girl shut your lips, Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips."

6. Love Stinks- J. Geils Band. "And so it goes Till the day you die This thing they call love It's gonna make you cry"
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7. Leave Out All the Rest- Linkin Park. "I dreamed I was missing You were so scared But no one would listen Cuz' no one else cared....I'm strong on the surface Not all the way through I've never been perfect But neither have you"

8. Smack That- Akon. "Maybe go to my place and just kick it, like Taebo. And possibly bend you over. Look back and watch me smack that, all on the floor, smack that, give me some more, smack that, 'till you get sore smack that, oooh"

9. All the Love in the World- NIN. "No one's heard a single word I've said They dont sound as good outside my head It looks as though the past is here to stay I've become a million miles aw..."

10. Starlight- Muse. "And hold you in my arms I just wanted to hold You in my arms My life You electrify my life Let's conspire to re-ignite All the souls that would die just to feel alive But I'll never let you go If you promise not to fade away Never fade away"