Floating Through the Morning

Even before we went to Cleveland to see them last week, which I still need to post about, I had a hard time getting the song Float out of my head. Today that led to me listening to the whole album as I got everything ready today. There isn't a song on this album that I dislike, so the morning has gone by pretty quick so far.

Morning Music, 2-25-09

While driving home from a later night out than I had expected with my friend Kelley, I had my iPod on shuffle as usual. The last song to start playing as I was pulling up to my house was Fidelity. I didn't finish listening to it, and I guess that stuck with me through the night because I really wanted to hear it when I got to work. Considering I like the whole CD, it's currently playing in my ear as I get everything started for the day.

Studiousness

I've learned the hard way that my brain is no longer the information sponge that it used to be. While my memorization skills seem to be about the same as they always have been, my stamina for studying has been severely limited. I used to be able to study for hours on end without breaks and exhibit an extremely high level of retention. Today, I was completely burned out after about 90 minutes. I am very confident that I got enough out of my studying to have gotten an A on the test I took today, but the immediate recall I am used to just wasn't there.

Now, instead of studying for my second test tonight I am here lamenting the fact that I can't study like I used to. Strange, but not completely counterproductive. Getting things out of my head and onto this blog seems to help me relax. As an outlet, this little free blog has been invaluable to me. I constantly edit and critique pretty much anything I write. Essays, short stories, e-mails....everything. Here, I put it out there and let it go. No stressing about grammar, spell checking, or editing. While what I put here cannot rival the quality of my better work, in some ways this blog is even better. With certain restrictions on my personal and work information, I will put pretty much anything here. This is truly a window into my mind. I'm not afraid to be self critical (see Evil), or discuss my crazy dreams or the effect my fears have had on me as I have in the last few posts.

For someone without much of a filter to begin with, these posts can let me unleash the few things I do filter.

10 Random Songs

I didn't have a certain CD or playlist in mind today, so I selected the first song and let Mr iPod choose the rest. Here's what my little buddy chose for me today:

1. The Good Left Undone- Rise Against. Like I said, I chose the first song. I can't stop listening to this song lately, so it seemed a good place to start.
2. Tell Me Baby- Red Hot Chili Peppers.
3. Houses of the Holy- Led Zeppelin.
4. Pimp Juice- Nelly. It's a good thing no one was around when this came on....I'm sure I looked like a fool dancing down the hallways.
5. 5 Ghosts I- Nine Inch Nails.
6. Smalltown Boy- Bronski Beat.
7. Dangerous- Ying Yang Twins w/Wyclef. Helping further my man crush on Wyclef
8. Like a Rolling Stone- Bob Dylan.
9. Secret Spell- Tori Amos
10. Let This Go- Paramore

And I have to note that the 11th song was In a Big Country, which has got to be one of my favorite songs (if not my absolute favorite) from the 80s.

Overall a decent mix. Good enough to get me through my boring setup work and now give me a chance to listen to a podcast or two.

Morning Music, Interrupted

Today's CD selection is Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace by the Foo Fighters.

While I normally fly through my setup work in the morning while listening to an album, sometimes I get derailed....and so does the music. I haven't had a chance to complete today's yet, which is too bad. It's been a while since I listened to all of Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace and I definitely need a fresh perspective on it.

As with all Foo Fighter albums, I like this one....but am not blown away by it. Maybe I listen to too many concept albums, maybe I am just not 'getting' all the material on here. There is no arguing that this is quality work, but I think I just expect too much from them and that usually ends in disappointment for me.

One of the things I have noticed about my impression of each Foo Fighters album is that, to me, there is always one song that stands way above the rest when compared to the other tracks. In this case, the album starts off with that song (The Pretender) and, to me, just cannot keep up that pace, even though there are a couple of great songs bridging that first track and the rest of the album.

I was hoping that taking it in as a whole today would help me listen to it better, but will now have to make plans to do it some other time.

Monday Morning Music Selection

How about a little Vampire Weekend to kick off my very human work week?

Confession: I listened to the last track (The Kids Don't Stand a Chance) before playing the album from the beginning. Couldn't help it. I'm too into that song right now.

Fears

I've never been affected much by irrational fears. As far back as I can remember, there has always been a few people in my life that are. My mother has a sometimes crippling fear of heights....anything higher than the second story gets her into a panic mode. When staying in a hotel, she has to request a floor no higher than the 3rd if she plans on getting any sleep at all. When I planned my wedding in Vegas she was happy to be going out there again after so many years, but while most of us planned plane rides of about 4 hours to get there she was making reservations for an overnight train ride.

Thankfully my father doesn't have any real fears. He's not great on a plane either, but when your first plane ride was compliments of the government because you "won" the draft lottery and were being shipped to Viet Nam, I can see why it might bring back some bad memories. Regardless, my father fights sucks it up and gets on the plane no matter what. Just another reason I am happy to have him as a role model. I know that I was indeed a real winner in the parent lottery.

On the way home from dinner with my parents tonight, I listened to a song that I realized late last night had a LOT of meaning to me recently. I've been enjoying the song the last few months, but last night as I was half listening to it while doing something else, one of the lyrics caught my attention. Then I listened to the rest and had an OMG moment. Had I written a song about what has been going on in my head these last few months, it would have been just like this song.

So tonight I hear this song and another light bulb goes on. The dreams that have been the worst for me the last week or so are very much like the ones Wolverine has in X-Men, as I previously posted, but the strongest link other than the flashback type layout of the dreams is that I am under water for many of the worst parts. I do have somewhat of an irrational fear myself, and that is a fear of drowning.

It's definitely not a fear of water. When I learned to body board as a young teen I became nearly hypothermic because I was in the water long enough to effect my core temperature. And here I thought I was always warmer than the average human. So the fear is more of a suffocation fear, and not a drowning fear, but the easiest place to suffocate is in the water. I know I realized this when I was young. I always loved the water, but there was always that risk there in the back of my head....maybe that's what actually drew me to the water. I don't know.

It took me a long time to properly learn how to swim, but when I made my mind up to do it correctly, I learned to be the strongest swimmer I could possibly be, including how to counteract rip currents and undertow....which came in handy more than once in my life. While on spring break in Daytona Beach during my senior year of high school I took my bodyboard out just before a storm hit. The waves were huge for that part of the Atlantic, and the currents and undertow were pretty extreme. Long story short, I got caught in the undertow after a huge wave broke unexpectedly overtop of me and I was dragged along the sandy bottom for about a minute, after having the wind knocked out of me by the crashing wave.

At first it was sheer terror, but that was very brief. Once I realized the situation, I became very calm and remembered to swim parallel to the shore to break free of the current. My problem after that was summoning the strength to do so after having all my breath and strength sapped from my body as I was slammed from the crest of a 15 foot wave to the bottom of the ocean. I finally clawed and swam my way free of the undertow, grabbed my board, and went for a long walk along the shore. For years, I had a light scar on my shoulder from the sand scraping off my skin as I was dragged further out to sea, but looking now for the first time in a LONG time, I couldn't even tell you which shoulder it was.

Hopefully now that I realize my fear is not of the water itself, my nightmares involving water will be less intense. Hopefully, as I look forward to another night of abbreviated sleep, I will be able to handle them the same way I would handle another run-in with a strong undertow. Be calm, and work your way out of the situation.

I use that mantra in my day-to-day life, why not apply it to my dreams as well?

In Dreams, Vol VII

Post number 150. I've been doing this blog for almost 4 years now, and this is my 150th post. Not setting any land speed records here am I?

So lately I have been having some weird nightmares. I just found out the other day that there is a Wolverine movie coming out. I guess I was the only one who didn't know. I am excited to see the movie, but I think my subconscious is taking it a bit far. The dreams I have been having lately are very much like the nightmares Wolverine had in X-Men about being made into what he was. It's been very intense and pretty scary. I don't have many nightmares, and have never handled them well when they do invade my nights as it is....but these are much stronger than normal nightmares and involve all sorts of horrible things with all sorts of people I know.

I don't know much about night terrors, and if there are even dreams associated with them or not, but I can't imagine they could be much worse than the way I feel when I wake up suddenly from one of these dreams. I've come out of my slumber swinging at someone from a dream, running from someone, jumping from a rooftop, and yelling at the top of my lungs....and that may all have been in the same night.

No matter how I wake up, I always have the same physical symptoms; I am sweating and my heart is racing. Pounding so hard that it's as if I just ran a 100 yard dash. Usually I can calm myself down pretty quickly and go back to sleep, but it is a little more distressing each time it happens in a night. Some nights I've avoided going to sleep because I know it's going to happen, but it's not like I can function without sleep. I think everyone knows that I would if I could, but I guess I'll just have to deal with it until my mind settles down.

Start Me Up

This morning's soundtrack: Black Holes and Revelations by Muse.
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Seems to be a perfect album to start off this Thursday.

Complaints

Everybody complains from time to time, I fully admit I do it myself here and there, but sometimes it's just too much. Some people complain about everything they can, going out of their way to look for every little thing they can find to point out as bad or wrong. Sometimes these people find very legitimate complaints and in telling someone about it will actually benefit others.
My question: Are these occasional instances where it is helpful enough to make up for all the other benign stuff they gripe about?

My answer: Not today.

The day started off pretty much as it usually does, with my alarm clocks going off so much earlier than I would like, but progressed pretty well from there. By the time I was shaving, I was already being goofy....and for the benefit of no one other than myself, since the house was empty other than my dogs and myself. Now, I wasn't in a "dancing in the mirror" mood....but it was still nice to be in a playful mood as I got ready for work.

It seems the dogs picked up on my attitude, as they both wrestled with a few toys, wrestled with each other, and attempted to wrestle with me. They bounced around the house for most of the time I was getting ready, and Kira wanted to play peek-a-boo with me again. That's the best way I can describe it really. She lays on her back, puts her paws behind her ears, then brings them forward so they cover her eyes, before she extends her legs all the way out toward me as if she's asking for a hug. It's pretty effing adorable. I tried to get a picture of it, but my camera was in the other room and all I had was my cell phone.
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So even though I didn't sleep too well last night, I was still in a good mood on my way to work. When I got to work I was faced with a couple problems. These problems impact everyone briefly, but would have a bigger impact on my morning than just about anyone else. Even with that I was still in a good mood walking in. I do what I can to address the problems, and find out they should be taken care of rather quickly.
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With that out of the way I settle in for my early morning duties, and hear nothing but complaints for the next 1/2 hour. One person was basically yelling about it as she walked in. She was the straw that broke the camel's back. My good mood was gone, my headache had begun to set in. I now have a full blown headache because I also fielded a few calls with complaints and a text message conversation about a complaint as well.
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Lunch can't get here quick enough. I could use some food and time to relax.

Swagger

I think I've had lower levels of testosterone the last couple weeks while I was sick and/or unable to sleep. I woke up this morning a lot more refreshed than I should have been from a couple hours of restless sleep, and actually feeling more like myself. I can almost feel the testosterone coursing through my veins at this point. It feels good to be normal again.

I know I have swung the other way a few times in the last couple years, where I am a lot more aggressive than normal in many aspects, but this is the first time I can recall that I've felt this kind of drop for this long. I guess it makes sense, having the flu, which then turned into bronchitis, then not being able to stay asleep for an entire week after that will probably have an effect on your body. I also fell behind in school for a while because I didn't feel like studying, and nothing seemed to stick when I did.

I studied a lot more than I normally would have for a quiz I had last Monday. With a very precise study guide, and being told exactly what the essay questions was going to be nearly a week in advance. I knew exactly what to expect on the quiz. I got a B-. Unheard of. I could get a B- in most classes not even showing up for lectures and doing some light studying for tests. No doubt I should have gotten an A, but the material just wasn't there when I tried to recall it.

I've now caught up with all the material needed for the class, and was actually told by the professor at one point that I needed to give others in the class a chance to speak during our discussions....even though they were slowing us down. With the slow pace of class, we didn't get to finish what we had scheduled for the night, so I am actually ahead in the material again.

I'm sure as the day goes on, the lack of restful sleep will catch up to me and I'll grow tired. But to feel as good as I do right now is a nice change.