I Can't Drive, 255

A few days ago I stepped on the scale, and was pretty horrified at what I saw. The first reading on my scale is usually a couple pounds high, but seeing a big 257.5 staring back at me really shocked me. I had thought I was hovering around 250, but to be hovering around 260 instead was a big surprise. After a couple more times on the scale, my weight ended up being a flat 255....which is still terrible, but seemed a little better to me than the original 257.5.

There are plenty of things I can attribute this weight gain to, including the lack of sleep and energy on this crazy work shift....but the bottom line is that it all boils down to me. I know what I need to do to keep from ballooning up to this weight, I just haven't done it. For a couple years I was somewhere in the 225-235 range, and kept it there without much effort on my part. That range was still at least 20-30 lbs more than I should weigh, but I could have my cake and eat it to at that range. Here I am another 20-30 lbs above that, so I must be eating a whole lot more than cake.

While the food is definitely a problem, the biggest change I can attribute this quick gain to is actually what I drink. I am pretty much addicted to the cherry Pepsi I get at the 7-11 by my house, and took my refillable cup there just about every day to get my 44 ounces of extra sweet cola. I haven't completely broken that habit yet, but in the last few days I have had a lot less cola. One thing that may help expedite this is that 7-11 changed the cherry syrup/Pepsi ratio, and it doesn't taste nearly as good to me anymore.

I don't like sounding like a broken record, but it's time to try the weight loss thing again. Maybe if I make a point of posting my weight every couple days or so, that will help. Everything is a little more real when it's written down. I have quite a few other things at my disposal to help me too, now it's just all on me to utilize those tools.

Get the Picture?

I can't stand looking at the bland, pictureless posts I've been putting up from my phone lately. I'm looking for a free app that will allow me to post pics with my phone, but until I can find something like that I am just gonna add pictures later. I may not use the same picture as I would in the moment, but at least it looks better and, makes it easier on me to be able to do it later than to search and search for a way to do it every time I want to post something from my phone.

SIlly Putty

Ending my blogging hiatus with a post about pain and my complaints about the pain I was dealing with, just didn't sit too well with me. The post before that easily could have been my very last on this blog, something I seriously considered for a while, and that would have been fine with me. But just having last night's post as the most recent for about 24 hours made me uneasy.

This blog has always been a reflection on or a representation of my life. More of an extension of the things happening around me actually, because of my thoughts about those events. Sometimes it's been dark, sometimes it's been downright whiney. Thankfully I have been blessed with the resilience and mental flexibility of silly putty so those times are few and far between, and don't last very long at all. And yes....I just compared my brain to silly putty. :-)

Now I am not here tonight to talk about how hunky dory everything is now, nor how it's always rainbows and butterflies....because that's just not the case. Life is life. It is what it is. The crazy Indian Summer rain today is still wreaking havoc on my joints, and my back is only slightly better than last night....but slowly getting worse as I sit here in this "ergonomic" chair. I'm really just here because I can't stand looking too long at the posts where I whine about how bad things are, when I truly believe I am one of the luckiest men in the world.

Due to the public nature of this blog, and the impact on my life that things I may say on this virtual platform could have in my real world life there have been many things I have withheld over the last few years. Sometimes I had wished that this blog was private so I could say whatever I really wanted instead of what was expected of me without worrying about the possible consequences, but that's really not the point of having this blog. I want to be able to share with those who honestly care about me everything I can possibly share, out in the open. One problem I encountered in the past was having someone in my life much too critical of things I say, or someone who would take things I said and run with them and make them into some extreme emotional issue. I've guarded, or flat out changed, much of what I've said here in the past because I knew I had certain readers who would just take things the wrong way, and I'd have to move directly into damage control mode soon thereafter. Oftentimes I didn't know how to express my true thoughts without getting a terrible amount of backlash.

Inevitably, over time, these relationships eroded and broke down. Having them behind me allows a greater amount of openness, and having someone in my life now who I am comfortable telling anything and everything means I never have to second guess what I post here. I'm very lucky to have found someone as loving and understanding as I have. Someone who truly cares about me in a way I've seen from my closest friends, but have never seen before from a girlfriend. The road ahead is long, and won't be without bumps, twists, or turns....but I can't think of anyone I would rather have along for the ride than the girl I've found to ride shotgun with me.

Pain to the 21st Degree

I've had some pretty bad pain days in my life. Honestly after blowing out my knee playing ball, I haven't had a single pain-free day. One way or another, my knee aches every day. It was a lot worse in my late teens and early twenties but even though it aches less than it used to, it can still be pretty significant. And just let the weather take a quick turn, and it'll get a hell of a lot worse. Something like that must have happened overnight too, because I woke up with an achey leg and one helluva sinus headache.

Having those pains isn't a big deal though, and I wouldn't even think twice about them if my back didn't decide to jump in the mix too. My back was sore after tossing and turning a good part of the morning, but sitting too long on the couch doing my FFL lineups and whatnot REALLY aggravated it. When I stood up to feed Kira, I hunched over and walked so slowly and awkwardly that Mark started giving me shit about being old. It was all good natured though as he has had plenty of issued with his own back and definitely knows my pain. Unfortunately, it just got worse from there.

Before even getting an hour in at work, my back started to spasm. Two Alleve have helped to dull it a bit, but every now and again I move in a way that almost brings me to my knees with pain. Get this; it hurts so bad that I don't even want to eat. Lol.

Now I just wish it stopped there. Everything seems to have conspired to plant a migraine into my head before I take off for the night. With an hour left, it's only gotten like halfway there though...so unless the drive home fully triggers it, I should be fine tonight.

For the most part I am very healthy, and I really hate typing all this garbage out...but it really has helped to distract me from these issues. Again, this blog has been free therapy for me. Who would have known this time it would be physical therapy.

Quote

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you.”

Winnie the Pooh

Aaaargh

Happy September 19th!

I'll enjoy celebrating this every year.

Iridescent

When you were standing in the wake of devastation,
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown,
And with the cataclysm raining down,
Your insides crying, "Save me now",
You were there, impossibly alone.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration,
And let it go.
Let it go.

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel,
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars,
You felt the gravity of tempered grace,
Falling into empty space,
With no one there to catch you in their arms.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration,
And let it go.
Let it go.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration.
And let it go.
Let it go.

Let it go.
Let it go.
Let it go.
Let it go.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration.
And let it go.
Let it go.

Phoney

Without the normal access to blogger which I have become accustomed to, I'm pretty much relegated to using my phone to blog now if I want to get a post up. I can put up a normal post from my laptop or home computer of course, but with my work and school schedules turning my personal and sleep schedule pretty much on it's ear...the phone is the only chance I have to put up a post that would take anything more than a few minutes. Of course with my penchant for finding the perfect picture for each post and my strict editorial desire to choose each word precisely, my posts often take a LOT longer to write than they do to read. I could easily spend hours on a few decent paragraphs, depending on what I have going on around me.

Finding the best time to post was damn near a no brainer when I had unlimited access to my blogger account, but now I have dozens of notes here or there that I plan to post at a later date, but never get into a post because the mood which struck me to write about each subject passes. I have collected many more post fragments over the last few weeks than posts that have actually made it up onto the blog.

A few years ago, I considered migrating my free blog here to a site of my own. There were things I wanted to do at the time that this site wouldn't be able to handle, and I wanted to go a step further with a few new things. As with most of my ideas or plans, I probably either didn't follow through or something minor happened to derail my motivation before it ever got really rolling. Either case seems just as likely. If switching over to my own site would give me more opportunities to get my post, and my fragments, up on the blog...it just may be the right incentive to finally do it.

While not blogging at a regular pace is one side effect of my new schedule, one of my biggest concerns is how my schoolwork and study time will be affected. So far, I haven't fallen into the same pattern I did with the last class I took...but it's not been easy. Finding time to get my studying in is tough when I am constantly tired. Today was a tough day. Getting off work at 7am, trying to fight through the noise of the day to get SOME sleep before going to my 12:30 class, coming home to try another much needed nap, but falling short because of a still unresolved fantasy football problem, then brushing up on some class material before taking two quizes, then getting ready and heading into work at 11pm.

Thankfully tomorrow is an "off" day for me and gives me a chance to reset my sleep pattern to something resembling normal. It'll give me a chance to catch up on a few things I need to take care of too. The nicest thing will be not having to worry about making it to school or work on time...everything I do tomorrow will be something I WANT to do. Unfortunately, it seems like the weather won't cooperate for a long ride tomorrow...but I guarantee I will find a way to get at least one more good ride in before the month is over.

Blocked

So it seems my 9 to 5 has now set the filter to block blogger.com. I can still read public blogs, but any blog I need to sign in to read is now off limits. I also can't sign in to my profile, which means no more blog posts from the 9 to 5. As if I didn't have a hard time getting my posts in before...lets see how the post count goes from now on.

Preseason Week One

I'm not yet in serious NFL watching mode, although I never got there at all last season, but I did pay attention to a few preseason games this past weekend. First and foremost, I made sure to catch the Ravens opening game. As usual, their defense looks solid and they should be competitive all season so long as the offense is decent. If Flacco and company can perform as well as last year, they will be one of the top teams in the AFC again.

Of course I needed to watch the first Redskins game. Even though I wasn't going out to watch the game, it gave me a great reason to wear my new McNabb jersey since it'd be the first time I'd get to see him in action wearing his new jersey. Circumstance didn't allow me to actually see Donovan play that night, but I did catch plenty of the 42 points the Skins put up in the game. Quite a welcome change from everything we saw last year. If this team can score half that each week in 2010, they can easily be a top team in the NFC, even with the tough division.

The Lions have generated a lot of buzz this offseason, like they always do around here, and even with the loss of their first preseason game, everyone is going crazy about how good the defensive line looked and the pressure and blah blah blah....Let's not forget this is the Steelers we played. The same Steelers we got three sacks against during the regular season last year, and otherwise pressured a hell of a lot in that same game. Their line isn't exactly the best in the league, and definitely not a great gauge of how good our line is going to be this season. Let's see how they do over the next few weeks before we get too excited.

Overall, I am pretty excited for the season to start....and definitely have the Oct 31st game circled on my calendar. Even though I didn't get the exact seats I wanted for that game, I still got pretty good seats at a decent price. And I don't mind paying a little more than face value to skip the BS that goes along with being a Lions season ticket holder.

FOUL!

There is no other way to describe my mood today aside from foul. I'm a very laid back guy for the most part, and it usually takes a lot to get to me. Whatever IT is, it must have gotten to me. I suppose most, if not all, of IT has to do with the 9 to 5. For the last few months, things just have not gone the way anyone has expected. And things just seem to keep getting worse. Some issue(s) that didn't involve me at all have affected things for me negatively where my schedule is concerned.

I knew it would take a little while to iron things out for my new position, but it's been a little too long, and hasn't exactly been ironed out the way it should have been, nor the way I need it to be for school....which was the ONLY concerned I voiced when offered the job. This semester won't be a total wash. I will be able to take at least a couple classes, but with the schedule I'll be on the next two or three weeks, I will surely burn out before we even hit midterms. And that is only taking school, work, and sleep hours into consideration....I can't even begin to figure in my personal life the way things stand right now.

I guess I have been spoiled, lucky, or just flexible enough in my life so far that I've never had a job interfere with my personal/social life. My job in high school affected my ability to hang out my last couple years there, but I preferred most of my work friends over my school friends anyway. I seemed to get along better with an older crowd back then. Other than that, I've always had ample time to be with friends and/or loved ones no matter what shift I was working. That really doesn't look like it's going to be the case now for a while.

"Tell me about your father...."

One of the biggest reasons I never wanted to follow in my father's footsteps (and both grandfathers, as well as several uncles) when it came to work was the crazy shifts I saw my dad work when I was a kid. I got used to his shifts changing on a whim when someone "bumped" him off his job, and he was powerless to do anything but show up when they wanted him there because he was the low man on the totem pole in terms of seniority. Even the last few years before he retired, when only two people in the entire state had a higher seniority number in his position than he did, he was still worried about being bumped off his hours/days from time to time.

Now I find myself faced with working a similar shift for an indeterminable length of time as the one I remember being the worst for him when I was young. My father is a much stronger man than I am in many ways, and working that shift was extremely hard on him. Basically it was a back fill position spanning all three shifts each week. One midnight shift, two afternoon shifts, two day shifts, and two consecutive days off in the middle of the week. I'm now facing two mids, followed by a day off which I will most likely sleep away because that single day off is followed by a day shift....which is then followed by another day off and two consecutive afternoon shifts. Plus school. Not a full time school schedule mind you, because I can't find a full time schedule that will work with my shifts and days off, but still two pretty intense classes that I will need to really apply myself to do well in.

Now, my dad didn't have the school schedule to worry about....but he did have me to deal with. I don't know which is worse, but I'd say I am getting the better of it there. I'm sure dealing with me has never been all that easy....I'd choose spending time learning about crazy people and how to figure out what is wrong them over dealing with a young me any day, and twice on Sunday....well, as long as my Sunday work schedule permits it of course.

A Delicate Balance

Supposedly every cloud has a sliver lining. My silver lining just may end up being a silver bullet. Whether I fancy myself a vampire, werewolf, or just a mortal man, that silver bullet could do plenty of damage to me. While my father had no choice but to show up when they told him to because of his relatively low seniority level, I have a very high seniority level in my current position. I could pull rank and force them to even things up a little more, or even completely take over someone else's shift. As far as I know, only one person can outbid me. The problem with that is how many toes I would step on....and the likelihood of those toes coming back to kick me in the ass at a later date.

I've already seen enough petty shit go down to worry about it happening to me....and I get along with everyone I work with very well. I could only imagine the odds would increase tenfold if I pissed off a few people in my area. Unlike a standard office job where you can file your paperwork and do most everything you need to accomplish all by yourself, this job requires a lot of teamwork for a lot of different things. No one knows every little detail about how or what we do in every instance. We all have our own skill set and level of knowledge. While I have seniority over almost everyone, I am seriously lacking experience with just about everything in this new position and have to rely on someone else multiple times per shift to help me out, even though I am technically supervising them. That in and of itself can easily lead to animosity, and if I start throwing my weight around to get my way....I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a target on my back. Even if I don't, I'm still going to feel that way. Then I will be working paranoid and double checking every single thing that someone else does....I can only imagine that will also create a bit of animosity.

So here I am....trying to figure out how to balance this all and keep the attitudes and egos in check. I am a wonderful problem solver....but I am pretty stumped at the moment. How long would I have to suffer through this shift before I wouldn't be seen as a bully for pulling rank and taking someone else's shift? Will it be longer than I can keep myself from falling seriously behind in school? What will happen with my friends and loved ones in this time? I already don't get to see the people I want to nearly enough....

One question leads to another, then another....and so on. At least with all these shift changes, I'll have a decent amount of time to think it over before I report to work tomorrow night for the first of four consecutive midnight shifts.

Morning Music, 8-07-10

1. Being Here- The Stills.

I been everywhere enough
I been torn apart by love
But there's apples in the trees
and diamonds in the earth

2. My Chick Bad- Ludacris.

I'm saying my chick bad
My chick hood
My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could
My chick bad, badder than yours
My chick do stuff that I can't even put in words
Her swagger don't stop
Her body won't quit
So fool pipe down you ain't talkin bout shit

No time for games, she's full grown
My chick bad, tell your chick to go home

Now your girl might be sick but my girl sicker
She rides that dick and she handles her liquor

Test her and guns get drawn like cartoons
Doh, but I aint talkin bout homer
Chick so bad the whole crew wanna bone her

3. Kiss With a Fist- Florence and the Machine.

Blood sticks, sweat drips
Break the lock if it don't fit
A kick in the teeth is good for some
A kiss with a fist is better than none

4. According to You- Orianthi.

According to you
I'm boring, I'm moody,
And you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny, irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated.

5. Wrong- Depeche Mode.

I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page
Of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition
Of the wrong look
With the wrong moon
Every wrong night
With the wrong tune playing
Till it sounded right, yeah

Wrong
Wrong

Too long...

6. That Was a Crazy Game of Poker- O.A.R.

And I walked into the bar yesterday
Cause I had something to do, something to say
And Johnny walked in right behind me and I didn't turn around
Til I heard the sound of his feet falling on the ground
I looked over my shoulder and I saw a clown
And I said what'cha doin' in the bar tonight.

So I said Johnny whatcha doing tonight?
He looked at me with a face full of fright
And I said, how bout a revolution?
And he said right.
I say of, you say a
I say revolution, and you say jah
I say of, you say a
I say revolution, and you say jah jah jah
Jahova!

And I said, what'cha looking at?
He hit me across the face with a bat
I grabbed my .45 and I said let's get out and go
So he opened the door and said do what you're here for
I said I'm wandering round the road four to four
And I said I been walking for about a thousand years.

And my feet are growing tired
My eyes a little wired
Don't know what to do unless I retire
And he just said let's play some crazy poker

7. Just the Way You Are- Barry White.

Don't go changing, trying and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from my heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

8. Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?

9. Your Body is a Wonderland- John Mayer.

We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

And if you want love
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile

Your body is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

10. Come on Get Higher- Matt Nathanson.

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

August?

August already? Awesome.

No Caffeine

Yesterday I went an entire day without caffeine for the first time in a VERY long time. I've gone deep into a day recently before grabbing a can of Pepsi or something else at home or out to dinner, but I still have had at least one caffeinated beverage each day. Until yesterday.

There were plenty of times that I WANTED to grab a pop with caffeine in it yesterday because I was dragging ass at work all morning, but I made it through the work day without having one....without having any pop at all actually, with or without caffeine. Being somewhat busy most of the day really helped me survive at work. Riding after work helped me sustain that, and it wasn't until I had my dinner at the movies that I ordered a Sierra Mist. Normally I won't drink an entire pop in the movies, but that 32 ounces didn't last til the credits.

While it was great to go an entire day without caffeine, and most of it without any pop, there was one drawback. After the movie I was completely drained and in bed by 8....well, I was actually passed out on the couch by 8. It wasn't until I woke up just before 1 am that I realized I had completely slept the evening away. Sleeping as soundly as I did on the couch also had another drawback....I am stiff as hell this morning, and kinda unhappy that I have to turn to my good friend Motrin for help again. It could be worse of course, but I hate feeling dependant on a pill.

I'm already dragging again this morning, but I am hoping to get through it without any pop. I've already sucked down about 30 ounces of ice water, so I shouldn't be thirsty much from here on out as long as I keep my water cup full. I didn't have too hard of a time staying away from the pop yesterday....I hope it's as easy today.

Picture of the Day, 7-27-2010

Seeing this on a newspaper's website

REALLY helped pick me up this morning.

Why Take a Chance?

A year ago, the 21st was a great day. One of my very favorites as a matter of fact. A month later, the 21st wasn't so spectacular....the following month, things changed around again. Anymore, I have no idea what to expect when it comes to the 21st.

I may not be the most superstitious of people, but I have to say that the date today did come into my decision making when it came time to choose which vehicle to bring to work today. By all weather forecasts, today should be a great day to ride....but I drove my truck in today instead. Hey, why take a chance?

So Much to Say....

....so few words.

All Yours

Max likes this:

Full screen it for the best view.

The Three Big Egos

While I have been pretty much sickened by how much press this has been getting, I must admit I am interested to see if this experiment works out. I'm not normally a hater but considering this involves "King" James and the Miami Heat, I won't try and hide my hater status. Normally I don't care if things like this work out or not and every sport has had something akin to this happen at one time or another which I didn't really care about....with only two exceptions I can think of.

When the Lakers geared up for another title run with Kobe, Shaq, Karl Malone, Gary Payton, and the rest in 2004 I really didn't care too much....until the Pistons signed Sheed. Then I wanted to see the LA experiment fail miserably....and it did. Before that, there was the three-headed monster of Aikman, Emmitt, and Irvin in Dallas. That "dynasty" just pissed me off, even though I really like Troy Aikman. Alas, he played for the Cowboys....one of the few teams I actually loathe.

This situation in Miami is somewhat similar to the Dallas trio. I like Bosh, I really like Wade, and Lebron is definitely an impressively rare talent (and and even more impressively rare douche) but mixing those ingredients up in the bowl that is Miami just makes me lose my appetite.

I'll be watching the standings with interest, and hoping to see this turn into a ego-fueled trainwreck.

Unfinished Business

I've started a bunch of posts over the last few days, but for one reason or another have not finished them. Looks like I have something to work on the next few days....unfortunately I don't think they are going to get finished in chronilogical order.