I just don't feel it this year. It's pretty obvious I haven't completely been myself the last couple months. Normally I am thinking of costume ideas MONTHS in advance, and while the costumes themselves may not always turn out the way I would hope, the ideas are usually pretty effing good. This time around, I never had a really good idea....and I never really spent time looking for ideas from elsewhere.
Add to that the fact that I haven't felt all that great today, and you get me sitting at home watching hockey on Halloween. A Halloween that falls on a Saturday no less....AND a Halloween that falls on a Saturday night that happens to have an extra hour because of the end of daylight savings. I sure would have lost that bet a few months ago.
There are quite a few people in my life that I know I can trust with so many things. I am VERY lucky to have the friends and family that I do. Seeing as I am not exactly the most trusting person in the world, it's no small feat that I've found so many people who have earned a high level of my trust. Though a couple conversations I had last night really got me thinking about how few people I trust, or would trust, with everything. Everything I know. Everything I think. Everything I've done.
The first conversation that got me started was my grandma. She still sends me a check for $25 on my birthday every year, even though that was supposed to stop when I turned 18 or 21 or something. After reading the card and putting the check somewhere that I hope will help me remember to cash it this year, I grabbed my old phone and looked up her number to call her from my new phone....yeah, I still have like 15 contacts in my phone. Haven't gotten motivated to put the numbers I want in there, or more importantly, the numbers I want in there so I know to ignore the call.
At one point in the conversation she compared me to my Uncle Dwaine, which is generally a good comparison....or at least one I agree with most often, and this time it just happened to regard our shared trust issues, and her thoughts on why the two of us have them. I consider myself a somewhat insightful person, and have always attributed this to my mom....it's easy to see where she gets it from.
Never having any formal training, my grandmother broke down our issues to a common cause as well as any psychologist could, and was amazingly accurate according to my self-assessments on one of the root causes. I had nothing to say other than, "Yeah....that's a big part of it". We agreed that while it wasn't the only reason, it was a big part of why my uncle and I have trust issues.
Twenty minutes on the phone with my grandmother covered a lot of topics, and made me realize that I don't talk to her nearly enough anymore. I have all this wonderful wisdom at my disposal, and I never tap into it.
The next conversation, which actually happened before my call to Florida but I got to thinking more about because of that call to Florida, was my cousin. Her husband had a bday yesterday, which I thought was today and never actually wished him a happy bday yesterday, and they hadn't planned much of anything to celebrate it, so I am pretty much forcing her to take him out for a drink or two tonight, since I think that everyone needs to celebrate their bday one way or another....even if it's a little after the fact.
The reason she hadn't thought to make a night of it is that the two of them don't have any friends in the area. Both grew up here, but she finished high school and attended college in Florida before becoming a police officer in St. Petersburg. While the causes for her issues are much different than my own, she also doesn't trust very easily....hence no friends in this area, even though they've been back about two years now.
Then a conversation with Mike after finding out he and his girlfriend have split after nearly three years together, totally proving me wrong as a relationship handicapper because I said he wouldn't leave her until after Valentine's Day. Now he is someone that should probably have more trust issues than he does....but I guess he's got enough on his issues plate already.
Moving on to the one which really surprised me....a conversation with my mom. I've never been shy in admitting the amount of love, respect, admiration, and trust I have for my mom....but there are things that even she can't know about me at the moment. Then again, this conversation saw her pull a complete 180 from something she said the other day....since she has had time to think about it.
Of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg....and I don't trust everyone on the net enough to go any further, so how about a random playlist?
Morning Music 10-30-09
1. I'm Not Okay (I Promise)- My Chemical Romance. "I'm okay I'm okay! I'm okay now (I'm okay now) But you really need to listen to me 'Cause I'm telling you the truth I mean this I'm okay! (trust me) I'm not okay I'm not okay Well, I'm not okay I'm not o-f*cking-kay I'm not okay I'm not okay (okay)"
2. Peace Train- Cat Stevens. "Now I've been smiling lately, thinking about the good things to come And I believe it could be, something good has begun"
3. Rusted From the Rain- Billy Talent. "I stumble through the wreckage, Rusted from the rain. There's nothing left to salvage, No one left to blame. Among the broken mirrors, I don't look the same....My bitter heart is pumping Oil into my veins. I'm nothing but a tin man, Don't feel any pain. I don't feel any pain. I don't feel any pain. I'm rusted from the rain....You hung me like a picture, Now I'm just a frame. I used to be a lap dog, Now I'm just a stray. Shackled in the graveyard, Left here to decay.Left here to decay....Go on, crush me like a flower Rusted from the rain. C'mon strip me of my power Beat me with the chains. And if I'm the King of cowards, You're the Queen of pain. I'm rusted from the rain. I'm rusted from the rain."
4. Let it Rock- Kevin Rudolf. "Because when I arrive, I-I bring the fire. Make you come alive, I can take you higher....I wish I could be as cruel as you. I wish I could say the things you do. But I can't and I won't live a lie. No, not this time."
5. Don't Trust Me- 3OH!3. "Tell your boyfriend if he says hes got beef, That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't f*cking scared of him....I said, Shush girl shut your lips, Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips."
6. Love Stinks- J. Geils Band. "And so it goes Till the day you die This thing they call love It's gonna make you cry" -
7. Leave Out All the Rest- Linkin Park. "I dreamed I was missing You were so scared But no one would listen Cuz' no one else cared....I'm strong on the surface Not all the way through I've never been perfect But neither have you"
8. Smack That- Akon. "Maybe go to my place and just kick it, like Taebo. And possibly bend you over. Look back and watch me smack that, all on the floor, smack that, give me some more, smack that, 'till you get sore smack that, oooh"
9. All the Love in the World- NIN. "No one's heard a single word I've said They dont sound as good outside my head It looks as though the past is here to stay I've become a million miles aw..."
10. Starlight- Muse. "And hold you in my arms I just wanted to hold You in my arms My life You electrify my life Let's conspire to re-ignite All the souls that would die just to feel alive But I'll never let you go If you promise not to fade away Never fade away"
My sleep the last couple days days has been limited to about 4 hours each night, and an hour or so of a nap yesterday. Even with the limited hours, the sleep has been so sound that I am not feeling the effects I normally would at this point. I'm never this awake on this little sleep....unless I am in Vegas.
Ah, Vegas. I had a random Vegas memory flash into my mind this morning. Not sure exactly what I smelled, but something that hit my nose DEFINITELY reminded me of something from Vegas. I didn't press too hard to figure out what it was. Instead I just sat back and enjoyed the brief distraction.
Not sure when I will be in Vegas again, which always bothers me, but not having any vacation time available bothered me in a different way this morning. I got an e-mail overnight about an available spot on the disaster relief trip to New Orleans this year. The plane ticket is paid for, and I am pretty sure the room and board is taken care of again, so all I would have to do is sign up and go....but I can't.
I've been wanting to go back to the region since our first trip, but haven't been able to for one reason or another. This time I could physically go, there's nothing on my schedule next week I couldn't cancel or rearrange, but I just can't afford to take the time off without pay. Sooner or later I will make sure to get back there and check out how everything has bounced back, in the areas that it has, but I guess I am just not meant to travel right now.
OK. On to the ultra random playlist chosen by Mr. iPod this morning....
Morning Music 10-29-09
1. No Rain- Blind Melon. "I just want some one to say to me I'll always be there when you wake Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today So stay with me and I'll have it made"
2. Bark at the Moon- Ozzy Osbourne. "Howling in shadows Living in a lunar spell He finds his heaven Spewing from the mouth of hell And when he finds who he's looking for Listen in awe and you'll hear him Bark at the moon"
3. Disturbia- Rihanna. "It's a thief in the night To come and grab you It can creep up inside you And consume you A disease of the mind It can control you I feel like a monster"
4. Sick Muse- Metric. "Everybody, everybody just wanna fall in love Everybody, everybody just wanna play the lead....Pull your little arrows out Let me live my life The one I'd better lead All the blondes are fantasies"
5. Move B*tch- Ludacris. "I'm doin a hundred on the highway, so if you do the speed limit get the f*ck outta my way"
6. Supermassive Black Hole- Muse. "You set my soul alight"
:-D
7. Lust for Life- Iggy Pop. "I'm worth a million in prizes With my torture film Drive a GTO Wear a uniform On a government loan"
8. Tell Her About It- Billy Joel. "You'll never let her go But that's just the kind of thing She ought to know Tell her about it Tell her everything you feel Give her every reason to accept That you're for real Tell her about it Tell her all your crazy dreams Let her know you need her Let her know how much she means....When you love someone You're always insecure And there's only one good way To reassure Tell her about it Let her know how much you care When she can't be with you Tell her you wish you were there Tell her about it Every day before you leave Pay her some attention Give her something to believe....Just a word or two that she gets from you Could be the difference that it makes"
9. Notion- Kings of Leon. "Got a notion to say what doesn't feel right I just wanted to know if I could go home"
10. All I Really Want- Alanis Morrisette. "What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate Someone else to catch this drift....And all I need now is intellectual intercourse A soul to dig the hole much deeper"
1. Land of Confusion- Disturbed. "This is the world we live in And these are the hands we're given Use them and let's start trying To make it a place worth living in"
2. Creep- Radiohead. "What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here....I don't belong here"
3. Again- Flyleaf. "They don’t have to understand you Be still Wait and know I understand you Be still"
4. Bones and Joints- Finger Eleven. "I've been down here before Lost myself and so much more Find my way out of the game again Open up my head and take it in Just like always"
5. Welcome to the Black Parade- My Chemical Romance. "Defiant to the end we hear the call To carry on....Take a look at me cause I could not care at all Do or die, you'll never make me Because the world will never take my heart Go and try, you'll never break me....I won't explain or say I'm sorry I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar....I'm just a man, I'm not a hero"
6. Headstrong- Trapt. "I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold"
*
7. Let it Die- Foo Fighters. "A heart of gold But it lost it's pride Beautiful veins And bloodshot eyes I see your face In another light"
8. If You Only Knew- Shinedown. "If you only knew I'd sacrifice my beating Heart before I lose you....It's 4:03 and I can't sleep Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea"
9. Krazy- Pitbull and Lil Jon. "Yo Mama she gets Krazy"
10. Winding Road- Bonnie Somerville. "And it's a winding road I've been walking for a long time I still don't know Where it goes And it's a long way home I've been searching for a long time I still have hope I'm gonna find my way home"
11. Viva la Vida- Coldplay. "One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand"
12. Desperately Wanting- Better than Ezra. "Take back your life and let me inside We'll find the door if you care to anymore.....I remember running through the wet grass Falling a step behind Both of us never tiring Desperately Wanting"
13. Back to Good- Matchbox Twenty. "I was thinking if you were lonely Maybe we could leave here and no one would know"
14. Revelry- Kings of Leon. "With a fire in my bones, and the sweet taste of kerosene, I get lost in the light, so high I don't wanna come down....Just know it was you all along who had a hold on my heart"
15. Dammit- Blink 182. "But everybody's gone And I've been here for too long To face this on my own Well I guess this is growing up"
16. Handlebars- Flobots. "I can take apart the remote control And I can almost put it back together....I can tie a knot in a cherry stem....I can keep rhythm with no metronome, No metronome, No metronome....I see the strings that control the systems I can do anything with no assistance"
17. Doin' It- LL Cool J. "It's the first time together and I'm feeling kinda horny Conventional methods of makin love kinda bore me I wanna knock your block off, get my rocks off Blow your socks off make sure your G spots soft....I guarantee shorty it's real, baby stick it out Here comes the man of steel"
18. New Born- Muse. "The love for what you hide The bitterness inside Is growing like the new born"
19. Rub You the Right Way- Johnny Gill. "What you've been missin' in a man I can supply, your wish is my command I'll work hard to fill your needs Give you lesson on what it is to Feel good, baby Get undressed and slip on this robe Re lax, darlin' Just sit back Can you feel the magic in my hands When I touch and rub you the right way Stroke applied with tenderness When I hold and rub you the right way A light massage, a soft caress Whenever I need to rub, I run her happiness Customer satisfaction is a guarantee So for your pleasure, come on over here, please you So hold on and throw off that coat Show You I'll show you pleasure like you've never known....Gonna rub with my magic hands Give you what you're missin' in a man Stroke you with a soft caress Applied with so much tenderness Hold on tight and don't let go Give you pleasure like you've never known before"
20. I Believe in a Thing Called Love- The Darkness. "Can't explain all the feelings That you're making me feel My heart's in overdrive And you're behind the steering wheel....I believe in a thing called love Just listen to the rhythm of my heart There's a chance we could make it now We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down....I wanna kiss you Every minute every hour every day You got me in a spin But everything is A OK"
21. Grow Old with You- Robbie Hart. "I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad Carry you around when your arthritis is bad All I wanna do is grow old with you. I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches Build you a fire if the furnace breaks Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you. I'll miss you Kiss you Give you my coat when you are cold Need you Feed you Even let you hold the remote control. So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink Oh I could be the man who grows old with you. I wanna grow old with you."
22. 3 AM- Matchbox Twenty. "She says it's cold outside and she hands me my raincoat She's always worried about things like that....And she says baby It's 3am I must be lonely When she says baby Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes....She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to And she only sleeps when its raining And she screams, and her voice is straining"
23. Why Georgia- John Mayer. "Cause I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life Am I living it right?....Everybody is just a stranger but that's the danger in going my own way I guess it's the price I have to pay still "Everything happens for a reason" is no reason not to ask myself If I am living it right"
NOTHING HIDDEN TODAY
24. Ghost of Corporate Future- Regina Spektor. "well, maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee and never ever watch the ten o'clock news maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both"
HAVEN'T I WRITTEN ENOUGH ALREADY?
25. Hand in my Pocket- Alanis Morrissette. "I'm broke but I'm happy I'm poor but I'm kind I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah I'm high but I'm grounded I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby And what it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine"
Turned her in on Friday, under the allowed mileage on the lease and in almost as good of shape as when I picked her up. Someone will be getting a very nice SUV out of this....I just hope the trans problems are indeed electrical and not mechanical. Either way, not my problem anymore.
The turn-in process was pretty quick and painless, but since I didn't re-lease or buy a car from them before I turned it in, the reacquisition fee wasn't waived for me this time around....and they upped it to $425 from the $300 I was expecting. Should have read my contract a little closer. All is not lost though. I have 60 days to get a vehicle through Chrysler and still qualify for a lease loyalty rebate. Now if I could only find that Charger I thought I had tracked down on a nearby lot....
So technically I am carless at the moment. I have a car in my possession, well if you can really call a Kia a car, but I don't have one of my own right now. With my dad not able to drive for at least another 6 weeks, it just seemed to make more sense to take my time and find a deal that I like on a car that I really want. Not having a car payment for a month or two and doling out money at the gas station less frequently will be nice....but I'm surely not sold on this car thing yet.
It's been nearly a decade since I drove a car consistently. The last car I bought/leased was a 1998 Protege. Since then it's been nothing but trucks and SUVs as my primary mode of transportation. Driving a car the last couple days has already been quite the adjustment, but now I am looking to do it permanently, and I really have no idea which car that I'm considering would be best for me.
No matter what, a car is going to be better on gas mileage than my Cherokee was....but how high do I want to go with the MPG? I love getting 40-50 MPG on my motorcycles, and that has helped to offset my fuel consumption in the summer. Now I have a chance to really make an impact on my wallet and help out the environment by getting a small, cheaper, very efficient car. Being the neo-hippie that I am, this all sounds great.....but being a single guy, it's not like I can exactly go that route.
During dinner on Saturday, at Baskin Robbins no less, my mom tried to sell me on the benefits of owning a Kia. This is the same woman who has been bothering me for a grandchild for nearly a decade now, since I am her only child and, therefore, her only hope for a grand kid. "Mom, if you EVER want the chance at a grandchild, you DO NOT want me to buy a Kia. I will never reproduce if that happens....hell, I may never have sex again if I buy a Kia."
Yes, I can talk to my mom like that and be fine.
And yes, it's sad, but true, that I have to consider things like this when purchasing a new vehicle. So I have plenty to consider tonight as I search for a new vehicle while watching my Burgundy and Gold on Monday Night Football. I would appreciate any suggestions for a possible new car that wouldn't put a damper on my....social agenda.
While I don't feel tired, this lack of good sleep is beginning to get to me. Looks like today is gonna be one of those "just eff it" days. Only being able to sleep for an hour at a time is fine for afternoon naps, but when it carries over to my night that can get kind of annoying. Roll over; 12:30....roll over; 1:30....2:30....3:30....then when the alarm goes off at 4:30, I am actually sound asleep. Sigh.
I stumble through the wreckage, rusted from the rain
There's nothing left to salvage, no-one left to blame
If that wasn't enough to sour my mood on this wonderful morning, the rain took care of the rest. Sinus headache, achy joints (especially my injured shoulder which I must have slept on for one of my hour long naps), and freeway idiocy. Wow, I sound like a whiny little kid. Oh well....Eff it.
Among the broken mirrors, I don't look the same
I'm rusted from the rain, I'm rusted from the rain
Even before my trouble sleeping last night, something was sapping my motivation this week. I actually talked with more than one co-worker about it yesterday and found out I wasn't the only one. Maybe the change in the weather lately is getting to everybody....who knows?
Dissect me 'til my blood runs down into the drain
My bitter heart is pumping oil into my veins
Whatever the case may be, today marks two months since I laid my X down on the freeway and I still haven't completely healed. The shoulder, wrist, and hands are on the mend and coming along slowly but surely. Mentally, I was ready to get back on a bike as soon as I left the hospital, but said wrist injury makes squeezing the clutch lever painful on one bike, and nearly impossible on the other.
I'm nothing but a tin man, I don't feel any pain
I don't feel any pain, I'm rusted from the rain
My life looks a lot different today than it did the morning of Aug 21st. Plenty has changed with me and those close to me, and this may have something to do with my mood of late. After two of the people who know me best in this world expressed concern for the way I have been acting lately, I had a period of introspection last night and concluded that, even though I thought I was fine and dandy the last couple months, I really haven't been.
Go on...crush me like a flower, rusted from the rain
Go on...strip me of my powers, beat me with your chains
One thing after another has chopped away at my granite facade in that time and, even though I haven't noticed it, there has been a change. My mom pointed out to me yesterday that, despite all the stuff I/we have been dealing with, I would normally have bounced back by now and been back to my old self again....and she's right, like she so often is. She ended the text, which led to a lengthy phone conversation, by saying she "just wanted her son back" and that she loved me. With a support system like that, how can I ever feel down at all?
And if...I'm the King of cowards, you're the Queen of pain
I'm rusted from the rain, I'm rusted from the rain
But see, that's just it....I HAVE been down. Not constantly, but I have had my moments. And those moments have been more frequent and have lasted longer than they ever would have before. On the flip side, I have also had many moments of pure joy in this time. My mood has been full of peaks and valleys, but not everyone has gotten to see the peaks.
You hung me like a picture, now I'm just a frame
I used to be a lap dog, now I'm just a stray
Which is why it was a little alarming to have someone who has seen the peaks, as well as the valleys, be one of those who expressed concern with my state of mind yesterday. If my mood has seemed a little lower than normal to one of the very few people who gets to see the very best of my moods, how must everyone else be seeing me? And how in the world did this escape my attention? And why, after being able to pinpoint all this, am I so sour this morning? Usually when I notice something like that, I am able to pull myself out of it in no time.
Shackled in a graveyard, left here to decay
Left here to decay, I'm rusted from the rain
So this time is different. No better, no worse....just different. Overall I am still my shiny, happy self and an eternal optimist. Some of the things I've been dealing with will take some time to stop completely bothering me, but they will stop. If they haven't already. Some forces not under my control have conspired to add even more stress to my life at a time where it couldn't be more of a hindrance. It's the classic case of little things, that wouldn't have any affect on their own, adding up to create an issue greater than the sum of their parts. But that won't last long either.
Go on...crush me like a flower, rusted from the rain
Go on...strip me of my powers, beat me with your chains
So while I've had to fake a few smiles here and there, especially at work, the genuine smiles are still there too. Still plentiful as a matter of fact. It may take some time to completely digest some of the things I have on my plate, but I'm sure no one could argue that my appetite isn't strong enough to eat it all up rather quickly. See, I'm making food analogies....my mood must already be lifting.
And if...I'm the King of cowards, you're the Queen of pain
I'm rusted from the rain, I'm rusted from the rain
Long story short (too late), I realize I haven't been myself lately. What I didn't realizeis how obvious that was to some people, and how that could cause some concern. No worries. I'm still that same goofy 12 year-old boy inside, and I don't see anything changing that any time soon.
So after more than a year of struggling to get my old Razr to do some of the most basic functions you can ask of a mobile phone, and waiting to see if Verizon would start offering iPhones, I finally found a phone I wanted to upgrade to and yesterday it finally made it's way to me so I am now the proud new owner of an EnV Touch....and there was much rejoicing.
So far so good. I like it, but then again I would like just about anything after the last couple months with my old phone. I shouldn't complain too much about it....I am surprised the thing worked at all. Last year I got caught in a complete downpour when I was out riding, and the phone was dripping wet when I got home, including a nice little reservoir of rain water that I found in the battery compartment when I opened it up to take the battery out. After that, the 8 button stuck a little, but the rest of the phone was just fine aside from a few service issues here and there which I guess is to be expected after something like that.
Then after more than a year of dealing with certain issues here and there everything got a LOT worse when I took a spill on 96 with my phone in my jeans pocket rather than inside my riding jacket like usual. While it had more of it's body covered in road rash than I did, the thing was still working and I was able to get a hold of my family before being carted off to the hospital, and the thing performed brilliantly that night and the next day as my only link to the outside world while I was being held in ICU for observation.
In the end, the service issues and difficulties charging the old phone finally did it in and I found the EnV Touch as soon as I could get my 'New Every Two' discount. In the end I only paid $50 for the phone, and the monthly bill will be more than $20 cheaper than with the old plan. Overall, I am really happy right now....but we'll see how long the lustre of this new phone lasts.
1. Savior- Rise Against. "There is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds"
IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE THE BEAST YOU'VE MADE OF ME
2. Tell Me Baby- Red Hot Chili Peppers. "Tell me baby what's your story Where you come from And where you wanna go this time Tell me lover are you lonely The thing we need is Never all that hard to find....You're so lovely are you lonely Giving up on the innocence you left behind"
I HELD IT IN BUT NOW IT SEEMS YOU'VE SET IT RUNNING FREE
3. My Own Worst Enemy- Lit. "It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy 'Cause every now and then I kick the living sh*t out of me....Please tell me why my car is in the front yard and I'm sleeping with my clothes on "
SCREAMING IN THE DARK, I HOWL WHEN WE'RE APART
4. Head Like a Hole- NIN. "I'd rather die than give you control"
DRAG MY TEETH ACROSS YOUR CHEST
5. Upside Down- Jack Johnson. "I wanna turn the whole thing upside down I'll find the things they say just can't be found I'll share this love I find with everyone....I don't want this feeling to go away...."
TO TASTE YOUR BEATING HEART
6. Wake Up, Open the Door, and Escape to the Sea- Blaqk Audio. "Please catch me now, I'm lying. You taught me how it can feel like love. Just catch your breath. We'll dive in and our dissent will somehow feel like life."
MY FINGERS CLAW YOUR SKIN TRY TO TEAR MY WAY IN
7. 1,000,000- NIN. "Got these lines On my face After all this time And I still haven’t found my place....I feel a million miles away I don’t feel any thing at all....Is this really all That there ever was? Put the gun In my mouth Close your eyes Blow my f*cking brains out Pretty patterns On the floor That’s enough for you But I still need more"
YOU ARE THE MOON THAT BREAKS THE NIGHT
8. Wake Me Up When September Ends- Green Day. "Summer has come and passed The innocent can never last....As my memory rests But never forgets what I lost"
FOR WHICH I HAVE TO 9. Stockholm Syndrome- Muse. "look to the stars let hope burn in your eyes and we'll love and we'll hope and we'll die all to no avail all to no avail" HOWL 10. Every You Every Me- Placebo. "I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind. Sucker love I always find, Someone to bruise and leave behind. All alone in space and time. There's nothing here but what here's mine."
Somehow, a conversation from yesterday sparked my interest in the number 2. More specifically, how the number 2 has often applied to me throughout my life.
Looking back on my youth, I earned a lot of second place trophies for various things. This is back in the day when you actually earned trophies based on your skill and/or performance....not like today where EVERYONE gets the same trophy no matter what.
My chess team days in elementary school have produced some great memories, and a lot of that has to do with my deep finishes in tournaments. Whether the fields were large or small, I was always in the top three (other than the national championships, where I finished somewhere in the top 30 in 5th or 6th grade) but I don't think I have a single first place trophy from my time playing chess. I learned very quickly to accept my role as the second best player on our team after I taught my best friend Jeff how to play and he integrated everything I knew about chess along with anything else he could learn elsewhere. By the time he joined our team, I couldn't beat him no matter how well I played.
Around the same age I played baseball and football for youth leagues. As a pitcher in my youth league, I was very good....but always the second option on every team I played for. Overall, I was a much better football player than I was a baseball player. On my youth leagues I was always one of the best players on my teams, often finishing second in our MVP voting....but never first.
Moving on to more 'personal' issues, and the topic of conversation that made me think of all of this in the first place, I've never been someones first....but I have been second plenty of times. Like I said in the aforementioned discussion, this is something that bothered me when I was younger, but nowadays I could really care less and it's no more than a statement of fact. Truth be told, I stopped asking people's "number" a long time ago. It usually comes up in conversation sooner or later with someone I am dating, basically whenever they decide it's time they know mine, but it's nothing I would ever focus on.
I've been told countless times by several friends that I am always someone they can count on to be there, and will always be considered a great friend. But in my whole life, I can name one person (Mark) who would EVER had referred to me as their best friend if asked. Each of my best friends growing up had another friend they considered closer to them than me, even though they were definitely my best friend at that time. Hell after months of planning, my best friend in high school ditched me as my senior prom date to go with some guy she didn't really know, and had zero interest in.
The term "a day late and a dollar short" has always seemed rather appropriate to describe my luck with dating. I'll meet someone, hit it off well, see obvious interest on the part of the other person, then inevitably get the, "You're a great guy....I'd date you in a minute, if I wasn't already involved." Of course, as I get older....I don't see that one getting any better.
So I settle. I can't have what I want, and I don't want what I can have....but isn't having SOMETHING better than having nothing at all? Considering my advice to anyone else would be, and has been, a plain and simple "NO"....I don't see how I ever justify it myself, but it happens. Well, I guess I should say that it happened. Past tense. I know it will only end badly, and usually pretty quickly, so why bother wasting my precious time? Like I said before, I am only getting older here.
I've always had a pretty high standard for what I look for in a significant other, and I would happily commit to someone that had 95% of what I am looking for, yet of all the people I have dated, only ONE has had at least 80% of what I was looking for. That wasn't enough to keep me around in the end, no matter how much I really wanted to make it work despite the problems.
Knowing what I know, and feeling what I feel, I won't be settling again anytime soon. It's obvious I have some issues with being number 2....so why would I force anyone else into that position by settling for something I don't want above all else? This is a case where being selfish and holding out for what I want will also result in my being unselfish by not forcing someone into a number 2 spot. So basically, this is a win-win situation....and win-win situations make everyone happy.
Ever have one of those mornings where you just aren't 100% sure that you woke up from the night before? It's definitely not one of my favorite feelings, but getting up when I do, I have gotten pretty used to it. I'll often drag myself to the shower more than half asleep. It's not a big deal at all, since the shower will wake me up. Just one problem though....that didn't happen today.
NEW MOON
Looking back at everything I have done this morning until about 20 minutes ago....I can't really remember any specifics. The big stuff (showering, driving to work, etc.) I remember, but I can't recall the little details that would normally be easy for me to think of. What radio station I listened to on the way in, what time I walked in the door for work, how much gas I have left and will I need to fill up on the way home. These are all things I know every day....until today.
ECLIPSE
Who knows? Maybe this is just dementia setting in early. I'm pretty sure the ironic twist of someone as confident in his cognitive ability as I am having memory/brain issues toward the end of life is already a foregone conclusion....maybe it's just hitting me earlier than expected.
I had hoped to get a post up last night about yesterday, but my internet problems persisted throughout the day and I finally got fed up trying to access blogger with my effed up connection. I'm sure I'll work on that for later, but for now I thought it a good idea to put up my morning playlist.
1. Slow Poison- The Bravery. "Sing me one more I have found my angel Ah-ah-oh She walks upon the ground....And all of my dreams are only dreams And all of my schemes are only schemes And if this is my punishment Then I want my card to fit"
2. To Be Loved- Papa Roach. "I want domination I want your submission I see you’re not resisting To this temptation I’ve got one confession I love deprivation I’ve got a jet black heart It’s all f***ed up and it’s falling apart....I’ve got another confession I fell to temptation And there is no question There was some connection I’ve got to follow my heart No matter how far I’ve gotta roll the dice Never look back and never think twice....Take your past and burn it up and let it go Carry on; I’m stronger than you’ll ever know"
3. Until the Day I Die- Story of the Year. "Until the day I die I'll spill my heart for you, for you Until the day I die I'll spill my heart for you As years go by I race the clock with you But if you died right now You know that I'd die too I'd die too You remind me of the times When I knew who I was (I was) But still the second hand will catch us Like it always does We'll make the same mistakes I'll take the fall for you I hope you need this now Cause I know I still do....Should I bite my tongue? Until blood soaks my shirt We'll never fall apart Tell me why this hurts so much"
4. Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground- The White Stripes. "If you can hear a piano fall You can hear me coming down the hall If I could just hear your pretty voice I don't think I need to see at all Don't think I need to see at all....Soft hair and a velvet tongue I wanna give ya what you give to me And every breath that is in your lungs Is a tiny little gift to me It's a tiny little gift to me....I didn't feel so bad 'til the sun went down Then I come home No-one to wrap my arms around Wrap my arms around"
5. Unglued- STP. "This confusion is my illusion Nowhere to look, but know where to find ya"
6. Something in the Way- Nirvana. "It's okay to eat fish 'Cause they don't have any feelings "
7. Sink the Pink- AC/DC. "She says choice is yours, casually So why don't you do what comes naturally"
8. Another Bag of Bricks- Flogging Molly. "This cold dark tormented hell Is all I`ll ever know So when you get to heaven May the devil be your judge"
9. Echoplex- NIN. "You feel me breathe I am watching you I see it all The many ways you can't get to me I see it all I see the Hell you put yourself through Oh the things I could do (if I wanted to) My voice just echoes off these walls My voice just echoes off these walls I don't need anything at all My voice just echoes off these walls And I just slowly fade away You will never ever get to me in here"
10. Frozen- Madonna. "You only see what your eyes want to see How can life be what you want it to be You're frozen When your heart's not open Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart Mmmmmm, give yourself to me Mmmmmm, you hold the key"
Again, I'd love to have you share your answers with me just as I am sharing them with you.
1. Would you make a fool out of yourself in public if it meant you were making your partner laugh? Yes. If we can't laugh at ourselves, what can we laugh at?
2. Would you prefer the lights on or off during sex? Usually on.
3. Do you judge people solely by their musical preferences? Not solely, but it helps a lot.
4. If you could 'take back' your virginity from your first partner, would you? Yes. Nothing against her, but I started earlier than I should have.
5. Would you ever start a relationship with someone who was still living with an ex for financial reasons? At this point in my life, I wouldn't rule anything out....especially if you meet the right person.
6. Do you need to know everything about someone's past? No. I am always curious, but it won't bother me if there are things that I don't know. My view of the past is very simple; Everything from your past, good or bad, has made you the person you are today. If I appreciate the person, I can accept the past, no matter how bad. If you like the person you are today, you have no need to regret anything in your past.
7. It is more worthwhile and satisfying to improve the world or appreciate the world? It's a lot easier to appreciate, since it seems like no one can really agree on the best ways to improve it.
8. Do you feel you have a purpose or calling in life? The more bullets I dodge, the harder it is NOT to believe I am here for a reason. Anyone care to help me figure out what that reason is?
9. Do you believe that dreams can be messages from a "higher level"? I have no idea where they come from, but I have had quite a few dreams come true.
10. Would you rather have a great friend you could share everything with or a great lover you can't really talk to? I'm gonna be greedy and say both. You only get one go round in life, why not go for it all?
11. Is the male or female body the closest to perfection? Female. Just look at how much art is inspired by the female form compared to the male form. The female body is itself a work of art, the male body is very utilitarian.
12. Should a child who's caught masturbating be punished? Not punished, but talked to....and the talk should be age specific.
13. Do you like kissing in public? Yes.
14. Do you have a fetish that you would like to employ in your next relationship? No.
15. Did America really put a man on the moon? Yes.
16. Would you date someone significantly (9 years or over) older than you? If you find the right person, why should age matter at all?
17. Generally, in life, what makes you happy? I've learned to appreciate every day....so I guess I can say that I make own happiness.
18. How well do you handle criticism? Pretty well. Either I totally dismiss it, or I take it to heart as an opportunity to change for the better....depends on the source.
19. Would you like to date someone a lot purer than you? Would it be possible to find someone LESS pure than me? ;-)
20. When fooling around with someone, do you sometimes have sexual fantasies about other people? I have done that, but I prefer to keep my mind on what is actually happening....seems to work out better for everyone involved.
21. Is it possible for full-figured women to be equally attractive as thinner women? Yes.
22. You've just met someone incredible while out with friends, and (s)he's been kind enough to cough up a phone number. How long would you wait to call? It all depends on the vibe you get that night. I have texted that same night, and I've waited nearly a week before.
23. Do you think the family of a murder victim should have any say in what punishment is given to the murderer? No.
24. Would you have a 'Happy Button' installed on your body, connected to your brain, which would instantly make you very happy whenever you pressed it? I already do. It's called a penis.
25. Would you rather know everything about your mate, or be regularly surprised? I like surprises....but the more I know, the better I can do.
26. We are all human, do you judge someone for a past indiscretion? I think I already answered this....
27. What is sexiest on a woman or a man? Eyes. They have the power to completely captivate me. The right look, and I am powerless.
28. Would you rather have your dream job or your soul mate for the rest of your life? I'd be happy with any job if I was with the person I want to be with most.
29. Do you consider yourself sexually open minded? Yes.
30. Should your mate also become your best friend? Yes.
31. Would you rather marry a virgin or someone experienced? It really doesn't matter. If you have chemistry, everything will work itself out no matter what.
32. Have you ever had a true one-night stand? Yes.
33. Have you ever posed as a nude model? I did some underwear modeling once....that was interesting.
34. Would you prefer if good things happened, or interesting things? Right about now, I have more than enough interesting things in my head....time for some good luck.
35. Is it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all? I don't know....I truly hope I never have to worry about that again though.
Time to do another random survey. Some of the number may have disappeared by the time I post this because of duplicate questions, questions that don't apply, or just plain stupid ones.
I'm always interested in seeing how other people would answer these same questions, so if you get the chance I would appreciate you copying and pasting this and sending your own answers to me via e-mail. I won't share anyone's answers, I just like to know as much about my friends as possible.
~~Max
Getting out of work early yesterday and today.
Other than my own, Denise's.
I'd like to say tonight, but since I'm spending my night alone on the couch watching baseball and doing this survey, I'd say those odds are pretty slim. So not tonight, but the sooner the better.
Gold
About two weeks longer than it should be.
Is there any way to say yes without sounding like an ass? I like to think I am attractive. I clean up pretty nice if I try.
50 First Dates
Doughnuts
Cider
Sept 21st
Well, Mark is usually coming and going....other than that I can have visitors at any time.
As a matter of fact I am
Something to Mark about food which we never ended up getting.
My room, on silent....don't want to hear it right now.
Light brown
Not at all.
Mx
Guinness and Kira
Summer vacations up north were always the best.
The Sex Pistols
Clarification
Leather
Spending time with those closest to me.
I was naked....but I was also asleep.
November 5th
I'm sure a ton of people, but only one that I can think of.
Last year?
Not often
iTunes
It's pretty special
I bite my fingers more than I bite my nails
Yes
Facebook
About 130 or so
Yes
Anything related to Psychology
Sure do
Although they don't fit my normal "type", usually blondes.
If you are lucky, they won't stay hidden for long.
Johnny Cash's version of Hurt.
Yes, too bad I suck at it.
Skipping this....
MI
Only child
Spoiled, no....but I do lead a charmed life and need to keep that in mind.
Need 30 more minutes.
Rarely
Not fluently, but I can swear in a whole bunch of tongues.
LOL....if you know me, this is obvious.
Yes
No
Yes
Sam Rockwell
Several
No thanks
People who don't pay attention.
Not really
Not really
Eh, they all suck equally.
I did a pretty sweet half donut earlier today in an unpaved parking lot.
Yes
Garden City Hospital
Possibly, but I won't put that to the test
$82
Umm, am I thinking of someone? Hmmm, maybe I am....
Don't remember exactly when, but more than once the last couple days.
5 pair of shoes, 6 pair of boots.
ALWAYS? No....
That's up for debate....do ears count?
Finishing this and heading to bed
Once or twice....
Yesterday
LOVE them
Disney World a few times.
PePe le Pew
Eggs
Very Autumny
Every day
Punted it halfway across W. Addison into a large puddle while crossing the street in front of Wrigley during a pretty heavy rain.
That depends on your definition of sick....but I did use my first sick day EVER a couple weeks ago.
Just Michigan....unless you count that 90 day stint I did in Florida.
This is an interesting question at the moment....
1957 T-Bird
Definitely
Travelling the world....I've got the itinerary, now I just need to become independently wealthy.
Yes. And if that wasn't the case, I'd make sure to do something about it. Life is too short to live day to day without happiness.
The last few days I have realized something strange about my relationship with Dr. Pepper. I have been drinking an awful lot of it lately and noticed that I drink a LOT of it when I am eating food. Like twice as much as I would drink with any other beverage. The thing is, I don't really drink it when I am not eating. It's not really thirst quenching to me, where almost anything else that is wet can be.
On top of that, I don't really like the taste all that much anymore when I am not eating something. It seems that I will actively search for something to eat when I have one....and I don't need any help finding more calories.
Thankfully I have only one more 17 oz bottle left in the fridge to finish and then I am done with the Doctor for a while. Gonna have to put that on the same list for me as Chex Mix....and McDonald's breakfast after this morning.
I made sure to leave myself some extra time to get to work this morning so I could get some gas on the way....but I left myself more than enough time to get some food on the way too. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but my body is not liking it at the moment.
About this time last year I took some unhealthy things out of my diet. So far, I am doing pretty much the same thing this year. I've made an effort already to eat less red meat. I just stopped eating Chex Mix. I am done with McDonalds for a while. Now I am sick of the Dr. Any suggestions on what I should give up next?
I have a couple random music lists that I could have posted today, but now that the Tigers/Twins play-in game is going into the top of the 11th (after the Tigers took the lead in the top of the 10th and squandered it) I am having a hard time keeping my attention on this post....so I will get on that sometime in the next couple days.
I haven't had too much to say lately, so I have avoided posting. I have a couple of drafts I really want to finish, but just can't get the thoughts in my head to sound right in my posts and I don't really want to babble on my blog. I was inspired by something I heard recently though...."it's not babbling if someone wants to read it". Mind you, I am the one who said that, but it doesn't mean I can't apply it to myself.
So on to my babbling.
This morning started off much like any other Monday....with me cursing my alarm, and bargaining with myself to get another 20 min of sleep time. Even after the snoozing, I was crazy tired when I got out of bed and it showed in my prep for the day.
First thing that gave me away was getting almost completely dressed before I realized I needed to shave....taking off my work clothes is usually something I enjoy, but not like that.
Second thing; right before I actually shaved, I let the dogs out. They were scratching at the door before I was done drying my face. When I let them in, they both went to their respective food bowls like usual. As I walk from the back door through the kitchen, Kira's bowl is behind me and Guinness has his bowl in front of me. I grabbed the food always set aside to dump in their bowls while I was facing Guinness. There was enough food in there for his breakfast and I dumped it into his bowl. Put the bowl back, and walked back to the bathroom to finish getting ready. Just a couple minutes later, Kira came looking for me....with the absolute SADDEST look I have ever seen on her face. I think she actually pouted.
A few more little things here or there led me to post a "one of those days" status on Facebook before I even started working....and then at work it got a little more annoying when a co-worker showed up unannounced. This is one of those guys that complains about everything....which is where the convo went right away, and didn't stop until he started asking me questions about contacts in my personal e-mail account. This is where the conversation stopped. I don't think I said another word to him.
The day got progressively better from there, and ended up being all right when I finally woke up and got unannoyed. Although with my new hours, I never get a chance to really eat my lunch, and forgot about that when I left work....not eating until dinner. Although I didn't have a real lunch, I did get to snack on some Chex Mix. I finished off the last bag of Chex Mix that I will ever have, and even though I love that stuff....I am happy to say I won't be having all the associated sodium in my diet.
Now as I sit here watching the MNF game with Favre facing the Packers in Min, I have found a way to relax and put my "day" behind me. I might not get anymore sleep tonight than I did last night, but tomorrow won't be one of "those" days since I am sure I got it all out of my system today. The day can't get me down if I don't let it, and I know tomorrow will be much better than today. :-D
