Morning Music, 3-29-10

1. Over My Head (Cable Car)- The Fray.

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

2. Love Her Madly- The Doors.

Don't ya love her madly
Don't ya need her badly
Don't ya love her ways
Tell me what you say

Don't ya love her madly
Wanna be her daddy
Don't ya love her face
Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out the door
Like she did one thousand times before

3. Mess of Me- Switchfoot.

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain't no drug that they could sell
Ah, there ain't no drugs to make me well

There ain't no drugs
There ain't no drugs
There ain't no drugs
It's not enough
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me
I wanna get back the rest of me
I've made a mess of me
I wanna spend the rest of my life alive

We lock our souls in cages
We hide inside our shells
It's hard to feed to the ones you love
Oh, when you can't forgive yourself
Yeah, forgive yourself

4. Creep- Radiohead.

You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

5. Starlight- Muse.

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

6. Just Breathe- Pearl Jam.

I'm a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love...

Some folks just have one
Others they got none, aw huh...

Stay with me
Let's just breathe

Practiced are my sins
Never gonna let me win, aw huh...
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh...
Yea, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
To make me bleed.

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me 'till I die
Meet you on the other side

7. Animal- Neon Trees.

Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more then friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid you're never satisfied

Here we go again,
We're sick like animals we play pretend
You're just a cannibal and I'm afraid I won't get out alive
No I won't sleep tonight

Oh oh I want some more
Oh oh what are you waiting for
Take a bite of my heart tonight

8. You & Me- Dave Matthews Band.

Wanna pack your bags
Something small
Take what you need and we disappear
without a trace we'll be gone, gone
moon and the stars will follow the car
And then when we get to the ocean
Gonna take a boat to the end of the world
all the way to the end of the world

Oh when the kids are old enough
we gon' teach them to fly

You and me together
we could do anything, baby
you and me together yes, yes
you and me together
we could do anything, baby
you and me together yes, yes

you and i were not tied to the ground
not falling but rising like rolling around
eyes closed above the rooftops
eyes closed were gonna spin through the stars
Our arms wide as the sky we gon ride the blue
all the way to the end of the world
to the end of the world

Oh when the kids are old enough
we gon teach them to fly

You and me together
we could do anything, baby
you and me together yes, yes
you and me together
we could do anything, baby
you and me together yes, yes

we can always look back on what we did
always memory of you and me baby
right now its you and me forever girl
you know we could do better than
anything that we did
you know that you and me
we could do anything

you and me together
we could do anything, baby
you and me together yes,yes
the two of us together
we could do anything baby
you and me together yes, yes
two of us together, yes, yes
two of us together
we could do anything baby

9. Devil on My Shoulder- Billy Talent.

I dug a hole so deep
I'm gonna drown in my mistakes
can't even sell my soul
'Cause it ain't worth shit to take

I got the devil on my shoulder (over and over)
And I just can't sink any lower (lower and lower)
The hounds of hell are getting closer (closer and closer)
I got the devil on my shoulder (over and over)

Follow the rainbow, my lucky omen
There ain't no pot of gold, just copper tokens
I found the key to life, the lock was broken
All my accomplishments, are best left unspoken

10. How Soon is Now?- Smiths

I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Swing Life Away

Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand....until you hold my hand

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

Post Goals

Early this year I decided to make sure I wouldn't neglect this here blog at all throughout 2010. So I set a personal goal of 2-3 posts per week, with a total of 10-15 as a minimum for each month. At first I thought about not considering my playlist posts in this, since there isn't much writing involved, but sometimes the words I choose from these songs can really describe how I feel about something, somewhere, or someone better than any of my own words could. There is a reason a lot of these songs are hits, and many of my favorites have lyrics that will stand the test of time. Just look at how some of Dylan's lyrics apply as well to today as they did back when he first wrote them.

I have decided to up my goals for writing. One of the bloggers I follow makes sure to write every day for at least 10-20 minutes, no matter the subject. He might not share it with everyone on his blog, but if it's something he likes he'll post it. I've decided to try the same thing on MOST days. There may be times where work and school keep me from being creative (wow, that sounds kinda sad now that I think about it) and I'll have to skip a day here or there.

This new goal may or may not increase my post totals, since I am not sure that I'll have anything I want to share come out of my head when I sit down to write. Plus I have other places I write besides this blog, so it may not be written here to share anyway. The posting matters not. What does matter is that I'll keep my creative tools busy and sharpened for when I really need to use them or, better yet, when I WANT to use them.

Morning Music, 3-18-10

1. Us- Regina Spektor.

We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious

2. Fix You- The Offspring.

She wakes up
Rage and grace
Pulling me closer
Pushing away
And me the sharpest thorn on your vine
Twisting and turning, we're all intertwined

I wish I could heal you
And mend where you are broken
I wish I could heal you
And I wish you could heal me

3. Push it- Garbage.

This is the noise that keeps me awake
My head explodes and my body aches

4. Dani California- Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Black bandanna, sweet Louisiana
robbin' on a bank in the state of Indiana
She's a runner, rebel and a stunner
On her merry way sayin; baby whatcha gonna

California rest in peace
Simultaneous release
California show your teeth
She's my priestess, I'm your priest

She's a lover baby and a fighter
Shoulda seen it coming when it got a little brighter

5. You Can't Always Get What You Want- The Rolling Stones.

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need

6. Dreams- The Cranberries.

Oh, my life is changing everyday,
In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.
You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.

7. Love Me Two Times- The Doors.

Love me one time
I could not speak
Love me one time, baby
Yeah, my knees got weak
But love me two times, girl
Last me all through the week
Love me two times
I'm goin' away

8. Don't Look Back in Anger- Oasis.

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows, if it's night or day.

9. The Gift- Angels and Airwaves.

And suddenly
You’ve done it all
You won me over
In no time at all

And now I’ll stop the storm if it rains
I’ll light a path far from here
I’ll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear

10. Hurt- Johnny Cash.

I focus on the pain,
the only thing that's real.

Try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything.

I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

I wear this crown of thorns,
upon my liar's chair.
Full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time,
the feelings disappear.

If I could start again,
a million miles away.
I would keep myself.
I would find a way.

13

Prospective job #13 = FAIL

I wonder how many I can rack up before I lose it....

Happy St Patrick's Day

Morning Music, 3-16-10

1. Forever- Papa Roach.

In the brightest hour
Of my darkest day
I realized
What is wrong with me

Because days! Come and go!
But my feelings for you are forever

2. Machinehead- Bush.

I felt you like electric light

3. Have Faith in Me- A Day to Remember.

So we'll pretend it's alright
and stay in for the night, what a world.
I'll keep you safe here with me.

4. Gimme Some Lovin'- Spencer Davis Group.

It's been a hard day
And nothing went too good
Now I'm gonna relax
Like everybody should

And I'm
So glad we made it
So glad we made it
You gotta
Gimme some lovin'
Gimme some lovin'
Gimme some lovin' everyday.

5. Dirty Little Secret- All-American Rejects.

When we live such fragile lives,
It's the best way we survive,
I go around a time or two,
Just to waste my time with you,

Tell me all that you've thrown away,
find out games you don't wanna play,
you are the only one that needs to know---

I'll keep you my dirty little secret,
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret,
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret.

6. I Don't Want to Wait- The Veronicas.

Everytime you stay (every time you stay)
The world starts making sense to me
And when you go away (when you go away)
I wanna scream till you see...

7. Breathe- Angels and Airwaves.

My hands shake clasped with fear, as you come near.
To say goodnight, just like a dove, a peaceful sign.
To help us by, as you come in, let this begin.
Stars fall like dust, our lips will touch, we speak to much.

Did you know, that I love you?
Come and lay with me, I love you.
And on this day, I will love you.
You make me feel alive, and I'll love you,
until the end of time.

I've got a lot to say, if you will let me.
It's always hard, when you're around me.
But here right now, there's interest in your eyes.
So hear me out, and hear this the first time.

8. Just Like Heaven- The Cure.

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways i had
To make her glow

9. Classic Cars- Bright Eyes.

You can go right out of your mind trying to escape
From the panicked paradox of day to day

Never trust a heart that is so bent it can’t break

10. Don't Trust Me- 3OH!3.

Shush girl, shut your lips
Do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips

Fear
And panic in the air
I want to be free
From desolation and despair
And I feel
Like everything I saw
Is being swept away
When I refuse to let you go

I can't get it right
Get it right
Since I met you

Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over?

Life
Will flash before my eyes
So scattered and lost
I want to touch the other side
And no one
Thinks they are to blame
Why can't we see
That when we bleed we bleed the same?

I can't get it right
Get it right
Since I met you

Loneliness be over
When will this Loneliness be over?

Loneliness be over
When will this Loneliness be over?

Silence

The silence is worth
More than a thousand lives,
This freedom worth
More than all the empires on earth.
To glimpse that truth within yourself,
For even just a moment, is worth
More than all heavens, all worlds,
All this, and all that.

-Rumi

`

Not much to say lately. I usually have a great number of things running through my head at any given time, but lately it's been the same thoughts about the same handful of things....over and over again.

`

My creativity is gone. I don't write. At all. I don't even think about writing. I can barely read right now. I'm just here. I've done all I can think to do, and now I just need to wait for the answers.

`

Sometimes, somehow....that waiting turns to dread.

Morning Music, 3-3-10

1. Low- Flo Rida.

Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reeboks with the straps [With the straps]
She turned around and gave that big booty a slap RAWR

2. Sympathy- Goo Goo Dolls.

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was

And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was

3. Addiced- Saving Abel.

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
All the sounds you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
when you're loving me
MMM...Getting warm in here
4. Dancing in the Dark- Bruce Springsteen.

You sit around getting older
there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
come on baby this laugh's on me

5. Falling for You- Colbie Caillat

I've been spending all my..time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
:-D
I've been waiting all my.. life
and now i found ya
I dont know what to do
I think I'm falling for you...
I'm falling for you...
:-*
6. Better- Regina Spektor.

If you never say your name out loud to anyone
They can never ever call you by it

You're getting sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder
And I don't understand, and I don't understand
But if I kiss you where it's sore
If I kiss you where it's sore
Will you feel better, better, better?
Will you feel anything at all?

7. Thinking About You- Norah Jones.

Yesterday I saw the sun shinin',
And the leaves were fallin' down softly,
My cold hands needed a warm, warm touch,
And I was thinkin' about you.

8. Burn it to the Ground- Nickelback.

We're screaming like demons, swinging from the ceiling
I got a fist full of fifties, tequila just hit me

Ticking like a time bomb, drinking till the night's gone
Well get you hands off of this glass, last call my ass
Well no chains, no lock, and this train won't stop
We got no fear, no doubt, all in balls out

We're going off tonight
To kick out every light
Take anything we want
Drink everything in sight
We'll go until the world stops turning

9. A-Punk- Vampire Weekend.

Johanna drove slowly into the city
The Hudson River all filled with snow
She spied the ring on His Honor's finger
Oh-oh-oh
Yeah, I have no clue what that means....just like singing it.
10. Your Body is a Wonderland- John Mayer
And where else would I want to be?
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue
OH....MY....
Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it
:-*

Why Bother?

I've been overcome by a "why bother?" attitude today. Actually, I guess in some ways it has been there a lot longer. My hair is a great example. I want to have it longer than it's been the last few years, but I have not had it cut in a few months and it's starting to look a little rough. But why bother cutting it?

My weight is another example. I have recently started to watch what I eat again, but you can definitely tell that I haven't cared too much about it in the last few years at all. Even carrying extra weight, I was always still relatively healthy....so why bother?

Today it seems to have crept into my career and school outlook. I have an exam today that I haven't studied for at all, a homework assignment due at the beginning of class today that I haven't touched, and a lab tonight that I need to prepare for....and all I can think is, "why bother?"

I know I went into detail on here not too long ago about the whole job thing and what's bothering me about that, so I won't rehash too much....but just thinking about the amount of time I've been stuck in one place has really gotten to me. It's not the place so much as the position. In the last few years I have watched so many people come and go, most going on to bigger and better things, as I sat in the same chair. Watching friends and colleagues earn better things for themselves is always nice, and I'd never begrudge them what they deserve....but am I out of line for thinking I deserve something other than a pat on the back every now and again?

I honestly believe there is no one that performs their job better than I perform my own. Many people do just as well, but I don't believe anyone could ever outwork me. Couple that with my intelligence and ability to pick up anything quickly, and I truly believe that I am a great candidate for any job....much less the jobs that I've been applying for which I definitely qualify for. And all I ask is for a fair shake....a little balance. I want the same opportunity that anyone else gets, yet I don't think I have....and am beginning to really think that I never will if I continue to sit in the same chair those 8 hours a day M-F. Yet, everything I've tried to get away from that chair has ended in a resounding thud....some worse than others. And I am surrounded by constant reminders.

Of course, me being me, I can't leave it at that. So I begin to question even more. Why? What are the reasons behind all this? There is only one place I can rightfully point my finger....and that is at myself. Maybe it all comes down to me being wrong about everything I just said. And the more I think about it, the more evidence there is to support that. Maybe I am just fooling myself, and all these things I pride myself on aren't accurate.

I know it's very hard to look at ourselves objectively, but I always thought I was very good at it. Maybe I am wrong about that too, but I think my overwhelming sense of self-doubt lately supports my claim....at least a little.

In putting all this together, I seem to come back to the same conclusion over and over again; I am wrong. In the end, I must not be seeing myself as well as others do. And it's really shaking my foundation to think that I am not the employee/prospective employee that I always thought I was....and, therefore, not the man I think myself to be either.

In Like a Lion....

March is finally upon us, and with it comes a great sense of "Spring is on the way". Or at least that's what it seems like so far. A lot of people, myself included, are very encouraged to see our snowy February come to an end.

Of course we could still have a bunch of snow in March, this IS Michigan after all, but January and February are generally the hardest months to deal with, so that mental block is gone now and we can all focus on the fact that we survived the worst, and it's just going to get better from now on.

Just Lose It

So I am preparing, yet again, to start another "get back in shape" routine. Last summer, when my heart was set on it, it was pretty damn easy to drop the weight I did, and as quickly as I did it. Hitting the gym 5-6 times a week and eating right definitely agreed with me....whereas, not going to the gym and eating crap all day, every day, has not.

I've ballooned back up to 240 lbs. It's still not as bad as last summer, when I weighed in at an all-time high of 245 lbs just before I changed my lifestyle, but still....being in the 240s is kinda scary. I'm not exactly tall at 5'10". I'm not exactly young at 33. I'm not exactly muscular anymore either.

I won't officially start my diet/exercise program until Monday, but I have been making small strides here and there in preparation of it. I can do things like this cold-turkey, but I'd much rather ease into it. So a lot of my snacks have been healthy choices lately. I am back to having one low-sodium V8 per day, even though I still wince every time I down it. Juice instead of pop as my sugary drink of the day at work. Saying no, or at least postponing, the bad cravings. Example; I bought a Milky Way at lunch yesterday because I had a STRONG craving for it. I never ate it. I will eat it sooner or later, I am sure, but I denied myself that craving for a while. If I only act on them every other time, I'm doing twice as well as I normally would.

Postponing those indulgences has another upside for me. Doing stuff like that often drives Mark crazy. He and I like a lot of the same things, so when I buy a candy bar or cookies or something that we both like, only to put it on top of the fridge for a few days, or even weeks in some cases, he notices it right away....but can't dig in to whatever is there without asking me first. And when he finally does ask, I always get a kick out of it.

While that is always funny, I think my favorite one wasn't even him asking me about it....it was him TELLING me about it. I don't remember exactly what I had put on top of the fridge, or how long it had been there, but it must have been around Christmas time last year....because I am sure it was a gift. Now that I think about it, I am pretty sure it was an assortment of Godiva chocolates. It was Friday night, and I had a class on Friday nights until 9pm during that semester. I walked in from class, completely worn down from a full week of school and a full week of work and just wanted to grab my laptop and chill out for a while on the couch or in bed. Mark had a different idea.

"Ok. The statute of limitations has run out. I am having some of that chocolate, with or without you....", quoth the Shark.

I pondered that for a second, then simply said, "Alright....let's see what we've got."

I think we spent the next couple hours eating candy and playing Xbox, but that isn't what matters. The greatest thing about that was the look he had on his face when he was telling me about the statute of limitations. He had this fiendish desperation behind his "stern" words about taking the chocolate one way or the other. I've known the guy my whole life, and I have seen that look more than a few times....but that one really sticks out.

SO, back from that tangent now. The real reason I started this post was Lose It! It's an app for iPhones and iPods that helps you track your diet and exercise. You make a little profile of yourself (age, gender, weight, weight loss goal) and it plots out your target caloric intake for each day to lose the weight at the pace you set. I have always done very well when I kept a food journal and/or a daily weigh in log. This will remind me to weigh in every day and, since I ALWAYS have my iPod on me wherever I go, this will be much easier to do every time I have a meal, or even a snack, than a food journal would be.

One of the things I like the most about this app is that it has the caloric value for pretty much anything I would eat already stored. I have NO idea how many calories a McDonald's Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit has in it....but by adding that to my Lose it! profile this morning, I see that I had 887 calories in those 2 biscuits this morning, my last trip to McDonald's for a while, and that I washed it down with another 150 calories in that can of Pepsi I had. In a few minutes I will be adding my daily V8 to the list, as well as my mid-morning snack.

I haven't looked that far into it yet, but I think there is a way to sync Lose It! with twitter and blogs....might be that I can get in a post every few days without even trying.

Dealing With Snow

As the end of February draws near, the snow totals for the area continue to climb. It's nothing like the east coast of course, but it's still no fun to deal with. It seems that we've been getting most of our snowfall in the late night/early morning hours, and always on a day that I have to be up for work. I get up early enough as it is....I don't need mother nature forcing me to set my alarm even earlier than it already is.

Then I have to leave the house. It's annoying to walk out into the snow and be the only set of footprints. I'd love to leave in the morning and have the snow look undisturbed, but my ninja training is not yet complete....so it might be a while before I know how to do that. By that time, I probably won't care anymore anyway.

Tuesday's snowfall started while Denise and I were in class. It wasn't so much a snowFALL as it was a light dusting of powder....on top of the melted snow (aka water) from earlier in the day, which had frozen over in many areas, including roads and parking lots. As we walked to the car after class I mentioned something to Denise about how slippery it was, and for her to be careful not to fall. As usual, I didn't take my own advice. Thankfully I didn't hit the ground, but my foot flew out from under me as I bent to sit in the car, and ended up in the seat a little quicker than I expected. I laughed hard enough to turn bright red....for the second time that night.

Earlier, while in the lab portion of our class, Denise and I were talking with one of our lab partners. The girl seemed shy the first couple of classes, then again who DOESN'T seem shy next to Denise and I, but at one point early in the semester the girl took quite a liking to Denise, and is more than fine sharing all types of stuff with us now. Our lab work saw us doing some things that were very easy to make less than appropriate comments about. Once that started, it just snowballed and turned into a discussion about some "taboo" things that people do. We were laughing so much that the instructor stopped talking to the class at one point to tell us how red we actually were....he seemed disappointed that he wasn't part of it, like usual.

Driving that night was slow. Ice and accidents everywhere. Why is it that cars not too far in front of me are always attracted to median walls like a magnet? I didn't think the road was quite so slippery myself, but then again....I know how to drive.

Last night's snow wasn't so bad really, but it was too warm to actually be snow when it started....so there was a kind of mist that preceded the snow. I heard the roads were slippery, but didn't experience any of that myself, again maybe because I know how to drive, and the worst part of the morning was cleaning off my car. Before I got it the car, I had no idea there was ice under the snow....and didn't really notice it when I brushed off the car. I didn't really notice it until I got a block away actually when I drove under a street light and my windshield started glowing. It was cool....except for the whole not being able to see thing. I stopped under the next streetlight and cleaned off the car yet again.

Looks like we have some more snow coming too. The next few days all have at least some flurries forecasted. The first day without a snowflake in the 10-day forecast is March 1st. Just in time for the month to make it's appearance "like a lion". RAWR!

Morning Music, 2-25-10

1. Everything- Buckcherry.

Buried way beneath the sheets,
I think she's having a meltdown.
Finding it hard to fall asleep,
she won't let anyone help her.

The look on her face a waste of time,
she won't let go gonna roll the dice.
Losing her grace starts to cry,
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.

I wanna be,
I want everything,
I want everything.

Your eyes,
never close your eyes,
open up your mind,
and you can have everything.

2. From Yesterday- 30 Seconds to Mars.

He's a stranger to some
And a vision to none
He can never get enough,
Get enough of the one

3. Sound of Madness- Shinedown.

Quicksand's got no sense of humor.

The darkest hour never comes in the night.

4. Halfway Gone- Lifehouse.

Talk, talk is cheap
Give me a word you can keep

5. Just Like a Pill- Pink.

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill

6. I Wanna Make You Close Your Eyes- Dierks Bentley

Girl I've been waitin on this long hard day to get over
So i can rest my head right here on your shoulder
I just wanna lay here and feel you breathe
Listen to the rhythm of your heartbeat
And see where it leads...

We're wide awake but girl I wanna make you close your eyes
And say my name like only you can say it and hold me tight
All I need is only you and me alone tonight
I wanna make you close your eyes

I wanna take you somewhere...out there...
'Til the world fades out of sight

7. In Your Eyes- Peter Gabriel. (NOT the live version)

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

(In your eyes)
the light the heat
(In your eyes)
I am complete
(In your eyes)
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
(In your eyes)
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
(In your eyes)
Oh, I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

8. I Kissed a Girl- Katy Perry.

I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
Mmmm, Chapstick
9. Within a Mile of Home- Flogging Molly.

His empty frame cannot explain, there's nothing left inside
So sing to me a song from yesterday
When laughter filled the tears that we now make

10. Black Dog- Led Zeppelin.

Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move,
Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove.
Ah, ah, child, way you shake that thing,
Gonna make you burn, gonna make you sting.
Hey, hey, baby, when you walk that way,
Watch your honey drip, can't keep away.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, oh, oh
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, oh, oh

I gotta walk, can't stand still,
Got a flamin' heart, can't get my fill,
Eyes that shine burning red,
Dreams of you all through my head.
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah...

Hey baby, oh baby, pretty baby,
Tell me would you do me now.
Hey baby, oh baby, pretty baby,
Move me while you groove me now

Today's January Jones Pic

Better late than never I guess....Just making sure I kept my word.

Survivalism

Romance, who loves to nod and sing,
I really don't know where to start with this post. It's going to be my own personal bitch-fest. Warning: I feel a lot of whining coming on here.

With drowsy head and folded wing,

I've done more than my fare share of thinking about life lately. I've looked back, I've looked forward, and I've really been focusing on now. And right now, I am in survival mode. That may sound all well and good, but to me it's distressing. Surviving is making it through. Survival is getting by. Survival is the lowest form of existence. Amoeba survive. Survival is, of course, essential to living....but survival on it's own is not life.
Among the green leaves as they shake
Herein lies my problem. I don't want to just survive. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; I like feeling alive.
Far down within some shadowy lake,
By and large I am a very passionate person. When I am passionate about something, I grab it hard with both hands and won't let it go. But I need to have that passion first. I have no passion at work. My job is rather repetitive, and not at all difficult for me to do....but there is no passion there for me. I do my job to the best of my abilities....better than anyone else ever could, save my partner. Our job suits us, and we suit our job. I don't think there's anyone better equipped to do what we do....but doing something well isn't the same thing as being passionate about it.
To me a painted paroquet

I was passionate about my last job from the first day til the very last. Some may say that was my downfall with the job, while I claim my own stupidity was. What led to my departure from that job is not the issue though, it was how I felt about the job. Sure there are aspects I didn't like about it, but I learned very quickly that nothing in this life is perfect. But that job was probably as perfect for me at that time than any job could ever be from now on.

Hath been- a most familiar bird-
I liked going into work. I looked forward to seeing my work friends, as well as the people I worked with who were TRUE friends. I liked what I did, I loved the hours, I really enjoyed going out with all my like-minded co-workers after work, or hitting a random metro-area bar with them on a Wednesday night since we all had midweek "weekends". I also made about twice the money there than I am making now....so that didn't hurt either.

Taught me my alphabet to say-
It's kind of ironic that my last job made it possible for Chris and I to afford the wedding we (SHE) wanted, yet that job was the very thing that finally ended our relationship. After years of our tumultuous life together, it ended up being the final straw. She was a quick tempered girl, for sure, but never showed any signs of jealousy until I started to hang out with my coworkers after work. Since we got out of work at 4am, she could never tag along with us, and the few times she did go out with us when we got together at a "normal" time , she played the outgoing fiance' part perfectly, but her facade was much different than what was bubbling beneath. Seeing as happy as I was with my work friends, and how much fun we had got to her. She couldn't stand that she wasn't really a part of that side of my life, and probably never would be because of our conflicting work schedules.

To lisp my very earliest word

It didn't take her too long to try and force me to switch to the sunrise shift (4am-noon) so we would "have more time together"....knowing full well that would practically end all my current work relationships, and that I would be miserable with those hours because I am a night owl by nature. She argued her side with absolutely no regard for my feelings on the matter, so I didn't let the argument go on very long. At one point, she said something to the extent of, "If you really loved me, you'd do this so we could spend more time together."

While in the wild wood I did lie,
I couldn't believe my ears. Not only was her logic flawed, because we would have had pretty much the same amount of time together, just different hours. What got to me was the use of my love for her as a weapon against me to get what she wanted, without a care about how it would affect me. Less than a week later the wedding was cancelled.

A child- with a most knowing eye.
So now that I have completed THAT tangent, I can now say that where I intended to go with that was independence. Working that job was the last time I felt really independent, which has been harder and harder for me to handle of late.

Of late, eternal Condor years
I've always been an independent person. In my thoughts, in my actions, and sometimes in my surroundings. As much as I love being around my friends and family, and that is the time when I really thrive mind you, I do need to be alone sometimes. I guess time spent alone in my room growing up as an only child could have something to do with that, but I think everyone feels it to some extent every now and again.

So shake the very Heaven on high
My current living situation is perfect for that. My roommate and I are best of friends, and work opposite shifts. But while I have independence at home, I don't feel independent in my life at all....and a lot of that goes back to how much I make at my current job. Before I even get into that, I know I am lucky to even have a job in this area right now....and that my pay is better than a whole heck of a lot of people. I realize this, but that just can't hold back how frustrated I am lately.

With tumult as they thunder by,
About a year and a half ago I decided to go back to school. I was doing ok, but wanted to do more. School and bills were gonna be a little bit of a struggle, but I could handle it and not change too much in my life. So I went for it. Then my first pay cut hit me. Not that big of a deal, it was expected...and only about 3%. No big deal, just a couple small changes here and there to save a few bucks a day. Then the second pay cut hit. And THAT was a big one. Combined with the first pay cut, my annual income decreased by 30%. That was about 18 months ago, and I am still reeling and trying to make things work.

I have no time for idle cares
I know that money isn't everything. If it was, I would have gone and worked with my father years ago. He recently retired, yet another source of frustration for my family and I, but up until his retirement he constantly made a six figure salary. And he loved to tell me how I would have been making nearly double what he did, if not more, had I hired into the job he wanted me to take, when he wanted me to take it. I never would have survived long enough to see that though....and I knew it. I would not have been happy there.

Through gazing on the unquiet sky.
So it's not a ton of money I am looking for. Some more would definitely help, but I think the biggest thing that was lost with my wage cut was my morale. Like so many other things with me, it wasn't exactly WHAT happened, but more so HOW it happened that bothered me....and obviously still does.

And when an hour with calmer wings
It didn't take me long after the pay cuts to look elsewhere. It's not easy to find a good job around here, but thankfully I am not limited to this state alone. I found plenty of good leads out of state. From good jobs that I would like in a city that I love, to great jobs I would love in another metropolitan are that I would definitely like. Those all fell through one way or another, along with my best leads around here as well. The most recent one was number 12. A dozen times I have found positions I have been excited for, that I qualified for, and would excel at. A dozen times I've been denied....or even ignored.

Its down upon my spirit flings-
To be honest, I don't know which is worse. First, I have to clarify that these 12 jobs were not all applied for in the last 18 months. They have been over the last few years while I was in this job. Some of them were for advancement in my current job location, others were local or out of state jobs I couldn't pass up the opportunity to apply and interview for. Unfortunately, I never seem to get to the interview stage anymore. Only one of the 12 jobs that I went after had me in for interviews. A few of them scheduled interviews, only to have it fall through for one reason or another, but a good amount of those 12 never contacted me at all. And now that I think about it, not a single one of the local jobs contacted me, while all but one of the out of state jobs wanted to bring me in for interviews.

That little time with lyre and rhyme
The one job I did interview for, which is by far the hardest of all these employers to get hired into, I was offered and hired for....but somewhere in the hiring process a certain event prevented me from fulfilling all the required job duties, and I was told to reapply when I could. I was devastated to hear that, but encouraged to get as far as I did. It definitely leaves the door open for better opportunities there sometime in the near future.

To while away- forbidden things!
And just thinking about being hired for that job after the interview increases my level of frustration. Only ONCE in my life have I ever interviewed for a job and not been offered that position, or even a better one. And in my defense, that was a co-op job interview that I was required to go on and the store was required to interview me for....even though both I and the interviewer knew someone else had already gotten the job. So I choose not to really count that as a failure on my part. :-)

My heart would feel to be a crime
Another thing that has been adding to my frustration is the fact that I don't have a vacation to look forward to. Usually I have something planned for the upcoming year by now, and usually it's a Vegas trip, but there's nothing there yet....and I really don't see the prospect for one anytime soon. I've been needing a new car for a while now, and my last job prospect falling through will probably be the difference between me buying a car I want or just a car for transportation....so how could I really justify the extra money for a vacation at this time. So I will keep my nose to the grindstone, every day, while I sit here being the posterboy for Southwest Airlines. I just want to get away.

Unless it trembled with the strings.

Morning Music, 2-17-10

1. Lost?- Coldplay.

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off

2. A Lot Like Me- The Offspring

And the rain comes
And the world is on my head
Crave the sun
But I can’t get out of bed

3. Love and Memories- O.A.R.

Maybe I am a crowded mind
I watch your eyes glaze over
Stared down at the floor
You were amazing to me
I was amazing to you
But here we go again

4. (If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To- Weezer.

The rest of the summer was the best we’ve ever had
We watched titanic and it didn’t make us sad

5. Only- NIN.

I'm becoming less defined, as days go by
Fading away, well you might say I'm losing focus
Kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes, I can see right through myself

Less concerned, about fitting into the world
Your world that is, cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(No, it doesn't really matter anymore)
No, it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes, I am alone, but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell, I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

6. So I Thought- Flyleaf.

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

7. Simple Life- Carolina Liar.

An everlasting cigarette
That's all you want
Waiting for a bus to take you back home

'Cause Tuesday came too soon
Wednesday left you feeling used
Oh, tomorrow you hope at least it's warm

8. Rock Me Gently- Wish I Knew.

Touching you so warm and tender
Lord, I feel such a sweet surrender
Beautiful is the dream that makes you mine

Mmm
Rock me gently
Rock me slowly
Take it easy
Don't you know
That I have never been loved like this before

9. The Kids Don't Stand a Chance- Vampire Weekend.

I didn't like the business,
But that was at first glance
Your pillow feels so soft now
But still you must advance

10. Glamour Boys- Living Colour.

I ain't no glamour boy - I'M FIERCE

Cank You Very Much

So there's no way I can't talk about this thing that has been bothering me all week. It's really gotten to me, and I just want it to be over with....so here goes: My name is Max, and I....I have a canker sore.

Why the hell do those things hurt so effing much? It showed up Monday morning and has hurt this whole time. Piercing my lip didn't hurt nearly as much, and definitely not nearly as long either.

Usually these things come and go pretty quickly for me, but this one is just lingering. Worst of all, it's in a terrible spot....low on the inside of my bottom lip. It's affecting my speech, I can't smile without it hurting, and talk about a bad place to have a sore when you are thinking about your social agenda. OK, so it's not like I have a "social agenda", but if I did....

And normally they go away on their on, but even trying the remedies I have been told....this this is still sticking around, as big and painful as ever.

OK. Rant over. On to the good stuffs.

Morning Music, 2-12-10.

1. Invisible Touch- Genesis.

She has a built in ability
To take everything she sees
And now it seems I'm falling, falling for her.

She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart

2. Here I Go Again- Whitesnake.

I'm just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

3. Soul Meets Body- Death Cab for Cutie.

I want to live where soul meets body,
And let the sun wrap its arms around me,
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing,
And feel, feel what it's like to be new,
'Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station,
Where I send my thoughts to far-off destinations.
So they may have a chance of finding a place where,
They're far more suited than here.

BAda-bada ba-bah
bada ba-ba bada ba-bah
bada ba-ba bada-ba
bada bada-bah

I cannot guess what we'll discover,
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels,
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's,
And not one speck will remain.

And I do believe it's true that there are roads left in both of our shoes, But if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too.
So brown eyes I hold you near, 'cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere. LOVE this line

4. Epiphany- Staind.

I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
That cries out for attention,
yet I always try to hide
'Cause I'll talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing isn't feel.

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

5. Revelry- Kings of Leon.

What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine.
With a fire in my bones, and the sweet taste of kerosene,

6. Inside Out- Eve 6.

I alone am the one you don't know you need
take heed, feed your ego.
Make me blind when your eyes close,
sink when you get close, tie me to the bedpost.
Mmm, rawr.
I alone am the one you don't know you need,
you don't know you need me.
Make me blind when your eyes close,
Tie me to the bedpost.
RAAAWR!
7. All Over Me- Default.

Look at me I'm acting like
Some pathetic little child who's dying
For your attention
I feel my legs but I can't run
Pretty soon I will become the victim
Of my own invention

All I want is you all over me
All I need is you all over me

8. 4am- Our Lady Peace.

I walked around my room not thinking
Just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
Like somebody else
I never thought I would just bend this way

9. Crushcrushcrush- Paramore.

I got a lot to say to you
Yeah, I got a lot to say
I noticed your eyes are always glued to me
Keeping them here
And it makes no sense at all

Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone
Just the one, two I was just counting on
That never happened
I guess I'm dreaming again
Let's be more than this

If you want to play it like a game
Well, come on, come on, let's play
Cause I'd rather waste my life pretending
Than have to forget you for one whole minute

10. Just Can't Get Enough- Depeche Mode.

When I'm with you baby, I go out of my head
And I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough
All the things you do to me and everything you said
And I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough

We slip and slide as we fall in love
And I just can't seem to get enough of

It's getting hotter, it's a burning love
And I just can't seem to get enough of

Up and Down

I'm generally not one to get my hopes up about things. I don't believe in jinxes or anything, but it does always seem that once I start to get my hopes up for something, whatever it is ends up falling through. I can see why it feels this way....when you get your hopes up for something and it doesn't happen, you are disappointed (sometimes even devastated) by it and when you don't get your hopes up, you are less likely to remember the situation later since you didn't have your heart set on it happening. So to kind of protect myself FROM myself, I just don't get my hopes up that much anymore.

Well, a few times in the last week or so I have allowed myself to get my hopes up about some different things....and of course, not too long after I let myself become hopeful I hear one thing or another to knock me back down a bit.

Add to that the fact that my knees and sinuses have about had it with this weather, and a terrible bout of insomnia last night....and this just adds up to one shiny, happy post. Oh yeah....I can't forget my great sarcastic wit today either.

Random thought of the day: I never picture someone old when I hear the name Ryan....