Close Call

Yesterday started off like any normal work day for me. My phone alarm jarred me awake and I quickly shut it off. Normally my alarm across the room will start playing a CD about a minute and a half later, in case I don't get up when the phone goes off or I turn it off without even waking up. After turning off my phone, stretching in bed, and closing my eyes again I started to fall back to sleep. No big deal. I've got a good song coming on soon to wake me up. Or do I?

1

Just when I realized I was falling asleep again, I nearly jumped out of bed with the thought that the few seconds I believed I was asleep after the alarm could have been a couple hours because no matter what, the other alarm should have gone off by now. I would have loved to take the day off yesterday, but since that wasn't possible, I must have just given my alarm clock the day off instead as I didn't set it before I went to bed.

2

It was an inauspicious start to the day, which didn't get much better at all to tell the truth. Work was marginally busier than normal, but the big lunch meeting we hosted was quite the pain for nearly a full hour. After work, I knew a nap would be in order if I expected to survive a night of my math class and still be alert enough to play round two of my heads-up tourney shortly thereafter. I crawled in bed almost immediately after I got home.

3

As tired as I was, the thought of not being able to fall asleep for a nap wasn't even in my head, but that's exactly what happened. I tossed and turned, hearing every little noise inside and outside of the house. Even hearing Guinness breathing shallowly as he slept on the floor next to my bed, normally something very soothing, bothered me as much as someone pounding on my roof with a hammer would have.

4

To make matters worse, I fell into a deep, coma-like sleep right before my alarm went off so I could make it to class on time. I probably should have gotten up and gone to class, but I couldn't drag myself out of my room. I set the alarm for a couple hours later and jumped back into bed. Guinness didn't seem to mind that he wasn't going to be forced out of my room just yet, and may have been back to sleep himself before I even got the covers back over me.

5

Once I finally got up, I had this crazy craving for Wendy's. Not great diet food, but I gave in to my craving. Oddly enough, the food itself wasn't fulfilling once I got home. It filled me up and all, but I didn't really enjoy it like I normally do when I scarf down something I had been craving. It was strange, then actually made me feel bad for not enjoying a cheat meal.

6

After that I played my second round match against Paigow Pete. I got down 0-2 in the match pretty quickly, but stayed alive by winning the next two and forced a deciding 5th game. I ended up losing the final game, and almost putting my right hand through my computer desk when he flipped over ANOTHER 3 of a kind in a big pot. That was the story of our match though.

7

I'd rate our play in the matches as about on par with each other, but most of the big hands played out in his favor. I don't want to take anything away from Pete, I mean saying I thought his play was on par with mine is a compliment I don't give many people in heads-up games, because he earned the victory for sure. I was just frustrated that the hands played out the way they did. We both had a number of big hands throughout the match, but he was able to get away from hands when I made my big ones, and I usually had something worth looking up when he had his.

8

For the small amount of hands we played in this heads-up match, I had some pretty great cards. Lots of big pocket pairs that I'd win just the blinds with, and a lot of my straight and flush draws got there but didn't get paid off. At one point I made a straight flush and won the absolute minimum I could have in the pot.

9

Alright, enough whining about the tournament. Now it's time to whine about the heads-up matches I played afterward. I came out on the losing end (5-6) of an 11 HUSnG session on Full Tilt. I started off in the lower buy-ins to get reacclimated with the structure on FT after playing on Stars for the tourney, and the play money games on Stars at that. My first 6 games were at $5, and I went 3-3. After that I was ready to play for real and played a $50 game which I lost.

10

Just after that I noticed an unfamiliar name sitting in the lobby for a $100 game. Unfamiliar names there are good. The only people that can sustain playing those levels long enough to get familiar are the ones who are consistent winners. If you are a good player and can break even at those levels, the rake is still gonna kill ya. So I sit down with the unfamiliar player, and become familiar with him pretty quickly. He is a very solid player, but his strategy was easy for me to adjust to and exploit.

11

He was a little too passive early and let me get a decent chip lead in each of our games. Playing against me heads-up when I have you outchipped is not easy. Like I said though, he was solid and was able to trap me in one hand late in our first game by just calling from the button then calling my raise from the big blind when I bumped it up 3x with a suited AJ. I flop two pair and lead out, he raised a little more than the minimum, and I reraised him enough to commit him. I insta-call when he shoves and he tables pocket aces.

12

Nice play, but you can only use it once against me....and to be honest, it was kind of wasted here because I was going to put him all in one way or another after that flop anyway. Had he gotten any piece of that flop, he was going to be committed by turn as I had him outchipped 2-1 at the start of the hand. So it worked there when he didn't need to use it, and also alerted me to that being part of his arsenal.

13

He used that move three more times over the course of our 4 games. The second and third time were also successful, but very limited in their success. I got away from my hands very easily and noticed his distinct betting pattern with big hands like that. The fourth time nearly busted him, and put him out of that game for all intents and purposes when he slow played the aces and I flopped two pair. I gave him just enough rope to hang himself then raised him enough on the river to commit his entire stack to the pot, but still look like a value bet. Oddly, with a very disjointed board, he just called. After that he had a couple hundred left and was done for.

14

Overall we played to a 2-2 tie in our games, which would have been a 3-1 margin of victory for me had he not hit a one outer on the river to make quads versus my boat after the money went in on the turn. Like I said, the day didn't go so great after my alarm snafu. I was more than happy to go to bed after taking that sick beat for a $200 swing. This time, I set my alarm.

Day 15

Current weight: 240.5 lbs

Thanks

Kinda surprised I didn't drop below 240, but I was pretty liberal with my last two cheat days....I'm not thinking the entire Hungry Howie's pizza (plus bread) I ate was a dinner that fits into any decent diet.

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Again, I am not expecting miracles. I know that most people would be happy to average 2 lbs a week as a weight loss, but I know my body. If the diet is working well I should see a 7-10 lb drop in the span of a week as I shed the water weight along with a pound or two of fat. I'll be a much happier man when I see something near that.

looking.

More unhappiness; How come no one told me this past Saturday was National Pillow Fight Day? Thanks a lot guys. No one appreciates a good pillow fight more than yours truly.

Nothing

Back to my diet here for a minute, since I am already being pretty stream of consciousness already. One of the things I set out to do with this diet was to reduce, if not completely eliminate, my dependency on caffeine. I went the entire work week last week caffeine free. Over the weekend I fell off the wagon for a period of less than 24 hours, and I am back on the wagon again today.

to

Now, I am not one to let a small coincidence sneak by unnoticed, and between the time I started writing this earlier this morning and now, CNN.com posted this related story.

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If you are too lazy or uninterested to read it, it's basically about the side effects of caffeine withdrawl. All of them have applied to me at one point over the last week or so, and the headache has come back again today. Right now I am debating whether or not to give in to my craving so I can peacefully study for the test I have tonight. The headache will be a little worse tomorrow, and maybe even another day or two longer as well, but I honestly have very little to do in school this week after this test.

here.

I think I have come to my answer. Now the only question left is whether I used deductive reasoning or inductive reasoning to get there.

:-)

Restless Night?

I finally get to sleep in today. No getting up at 4am. Which is good since I went to sleep about 1:30. I turned off both of my alarm clocks before I went to bed, but my body must not have gotten the memo that I am NOT working OT time like I should be. I woke up at 6:15 with this terrible feeling that I was late for work. I looked at my phone, took a minute to make sure it was Saturday, then went back to sleep til 9am.

Other than the brief moment I woke up I slept solid for 7.5 hours, which I have found to be pretty much perfect for me. Why then, do I feel like I didn't sleep last night? On an average week night, I get about 4.5 hours of sleep. Last night I got almost twice that, but feel worse than I do when I get up for work.

With not much planned this morning, and a heads-up match on Pokerstars looming Tuesday, I decided to hit up Stars for a few play money heads up games to get used to the structure and the feel of the HUSnGs on Stars since I play those only on Full Tilt.

Long story short, I didn't fare well with the play money and decided to hit up the cash games on Stars. Mind you, since I went broke there I haven't reloaded. I was down to about thirty cents a few months back and decided to try and run that up as high as I could. After a week or so I had about ten bucks. This was about the time I went back to school, and all my free time for poker went out the window.

Until today I had played sparingly there, and not at all this year, and my account was sitting at a strong $11.86 when I logged in today. After a couple hours of grinding the micro limits, I am even stronger now at $14.83. At this pace, I'll be able to buy myself a sandwich in just a few months....

Now that I am done padding my Stars bankroll, I need to figure out what to do with the rest of my day. There are a couple options that could turn out REALLY fun, but that's depending on a couple other people....and that doesn't seem to go too well for me lately.

Ring the Alarm

Nothing like a fire alarm (thankfully false) more than 20 stories up to get your heart pumping at 6am. Maybe that's my payback for the April fool's jokes I played yesterday....or maybe something less supernatural, like someone doing wood work too close to an alarm panel.

I BRING THE FIRE

Marching On

I find it hard to believe that today is the last day of March. It seems like just yesterday that we were making plans for Marktoberfest and discussing options for New Year's....and now we're a quarter way through 2009. I'm not at all complaining. The latest winter of of discontent is now over, and we are we on our way to much more pleasant weather. Everyone around here could use a little more sun in their lives. Some more than others.

I've been trying to find the motivation to write an epic post today. I have a ton of thoughts that go along with flipping the page on my calendar. I just can't do it. I'm somewhat disenchanted at the moment and have found it hard to express just about anything lately. Starving myself and abstaining from caffeine are not helping, let me tell you.

I am waiting on an answer. More accurately, I am waiting on a question. Within this question lies my answers for many other questions. Naturally, I am going to speculate on what these answers will be anyway....somewhat preparing me for the realities of answering these questions with a question. Whether or not this makes sense, it's still somewhat draining. Throw in a little sleep deprivation and a couple of personal issues, and you've got one disenchanted red-skinned potato.

I may not have the answers. I may not have the questions. I still have my resolve. I know everything will be fine, no matter what. I just have a hard time waiting around when I know I could be doing something to resolve these questions....if I only knew which questions to resolve.

Patience is what I preach. I always advise my friends to "give it time". I don't really struggle with patience myself, but it's hard to practice what I preach with such a restless spirit. Nonetheless, it's what I need to do. It's what I have been doing, and will continue to do. That doesn't mean I can't hope to hear this question sooner rather than later.

So come on. Ask me already.

Day 8

Current weight: 242 lbs

2.5 lbs in a week? Most people would be happy with that, but I was expecting to double that in my first week of calorie counting. The problem there is, just because I was counting all week doesn't necessarily mean that I was limiting the calories. I started out pretty well, going more than two full days before my first cheat meal, but the wheels came off the bus after that.

There was plenty of good food around me at work in the middle of last week. That combined with a morning stop at McDonald's one of the days kept me off the wagon for a lot longer than I had hoped. I climbed back on late in the week, only to fall off again for most of the weekend. So with my back and forth eating pattern, I guess I am OK with a 2.5 lb loss for the week. I'd be happier if it was more, and I will be a lot happier if I can continue a constant loss pattern like this every week. 2.5 lbs per week over 6 months is approximately 65 lbs.

I am only looking to lose about 50 lbs, depending on how much muscle I add in that time, but if I can stay on pace for a loss like that, I will be in a good mood in a month or two. Something to look forward to, eh?

A big reason that I didn't reach my goal was the lack of workout time. My plans fell though even worse there than with the food. Part of it was dislocating my pinky toe on my right foot....again. I tried to run on it a few days afterward, and that was NOT happening. Even so, I should have done a lot more in terms of lifting....but I didn't.

Well, last week is gone. Nothing I can do now but make sure I implement this week's plan a little more effectively. One of the goals for the week is to go caffeine free. If that happens, you might want to avoid me during the evening around midweek. That shouldn't be too hard. With my school schedule, the only people I should even see around that time will be classmates.

Morning Music 3/25/09

I slept very soundly last night, but I just get up too effing early....I need me some good music. Let's see what the iPod has for me today.

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1. Gotta Serve Somebody- Bob Dylan. Ironic that this is the first random song as I start work.

2. The Greeting Song- Red Hot Chili Peppers.

3. Drown Me Slowly- Audioslave. I've always liked their sound, and this is one of the songs I like most from them.

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4. Still D.R.E.- Dr. Dre. The beats he laid for other artists (like Eminem) and himself around this time were completely infectious. I'm not sure that I could listen to songs like this on a regular basis nowadays, but it's good to hear every now and again.

anyone

5. The Carpel Tunnel of Love- Fall Out Boy. I'll never forget seeing the video for this song when I caught them at DTE Energy Music Theatre in beautiful Clarkston, MI.

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6. I Ran- Flock of Seagulls. One of the definitive songs of the 80s. Every time I hear it, I think of playing GTA: Vice City. That series of games is so addictive. I have already finished the storyline in GTA IV, but keep playing it anyway. It has replaced my poker addiction lately, but I kinda regret that....at least the poker can be profitable.

really

7. Riot- Wyclef featuring Serj Tankian. This is the first song off of Wyclef's Carnival II CD, which I had been waiting YEARS for by the time it finally came out. It's a great way to kick off the album, and the blend of Wyclef with Serj (lead singer of System of a Down) works a lot better than you would think.

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8. Pain- Jimmy Eat World. I really think they would have had a little more staying power if they didn't have such a gimmicky name. I like a lot of their stuff, but I would never tell someone I am listening to a band called Jimmy Eat World.

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9. You Make My Dreams- Hall and Oates. They have some pretty terrible songs don't they?(hopefully you are not reading this Kimmy) This song always makes me think of The Wedding Singer. Isn't Alexis Arquette scary?

the

10. Push It- Rick Ross. It's not nearly as good as Hustlin', the Katt Williams anthem, but it's still a catchy song. Good to see that hip-hop artists have started this new thing called sampling.

lines?

Overall this is a really good playlist for me. Only one song on here that I would skip over on a normal day. It's definitely helped me get through my morning, which has gotten a lot more hectic than I expected. Started this post at 7:22, not posted until more than two hours later. Although I am happy because me being busy=quick work day. No time to sit and think means no time to notice how tired I really am today. A nice virtual perk.

You Know That I Could Use Somebody....

Today's morning playlist was inspired by a good friend. One whose taste in music I completely respect, and that is saying a lot. A few weeks ago she gave me a song to check out as "homework". I must have listened to this song four or five times in a row right away, then promptly bought the album from iTunes.

I was already familiar with Kings of Leon, but had not heard the song Use Somebody until my homework assignment. I knew one of the songs on their new CD and really liked it, so after hearing Use Somebody and previewing a couple other songs, I knew this was a CD I wanted to buy.

By now I have probably heard every song on the CD at least once, but I am yet to listen to it from beginning to end....which is not like me. Well, today is the day. I'll have a relatively quiet morning, so it seems like a good opportunity to me.

Then after this I will have to bug her for another homework assignment. Her music taste is very similar to mine, which is probably why I respect it so much ;-). Actually, she is very much like me in many ways. I've referred to her as "my better half" on more than one occasion. We aren't married or anything, but she is kinda like a female version of me....except she wears a halo and I am comfortable with my horns. I am always eager to find out what she's got piped into her ears at any given time, so I hope she has something ready for me today.

Day 1

Tomorrow (more accurately, later today) will be my first day of crazy calorie counting. I've done this before, and I know how well it works for me....but I am not looking forward to it. The first couple weeks are so hard, but also the most important. I give myself a little leeway here and there to cheat, but nothing outrageous, and that helps to get me through. If I can keep the cheating to the bare minimum in the next two weeks, it will set a great tone for the next 6 months.

For a couple years now I have had a standing agreement with my mom. If I can drop down to 200 lbs or less, she will quit smoking. The last time I weighed less than that, I was a teenager. According to the personal trainer I consulted last week, it won't be very easy for me to do. With the amount of lean mass I have on my body, I would probably need to get my body fat percentage into the single digits to drop below 200. I know that it's not always easy obtaining something you want, but I have shown more motivation for a number of things in the last year than I had in the previous 5 or so. I broke out of my rut a few months back, hopefully this is the start of a new, rut-free, journey.

Starting weight: 244.5

Lets see exactly how quickly I can get to 200, and what my body fat percentage is when I get there.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

It's been a hectic couple of weeks, and it's nice to have some time to chill out and organize my thoughts. I've got some serious thinking to do, and even though it seems like I have a decent amount of time to make one major decision, it's going to seem like no time at all I am sure.

The world works in strange ways. You can spend most of your life dreaming about something, then when you finally realize it's just a dream and move on....it doesn't take but a minute to drop back into your lap and say, "Here I am!"

After years of hoping to find a path that will take me where I need to be, since I didn't know where that was, I finally know my destination and can see plenty of paths to get there. Now I just have to choose the one that fits me best.

Along the way I know I will have to give up a lot, but how much is too much? At what point will I give away so much that I end up losing myself in the process?

I have changed a lot over the years, and am definitely not afraid of change. Little by little, we all change every day. It's a gradual process with some big jumps here and there, but real change takes time. It has to. Even if you quit something cold turkey, you still crave it. Over time you won't crave it anymore. One day, you can even forget about it.

My issue here is figuring out how much I can walk away from in a short period of time, given the recent changes I've already gone through. I know I will figure out what is best for me....I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

If Your Body Matches What Your Eyes Can Do....

Another morning that I have to get up and go to work....another random playlist. Today I let Mr. iPod select all the songs for me. It won't be long before I am writing a post titled R.i.P.od, so I might as well let him have his fun while he still can.

1. Paralyzer- Finger 11. I pretty much love this song. Great way to start the day. I couldn't have picked a better song myself. Thanks iPod.

2. Rapid Hope Loss- Dashboard Confessional. I need to ban most of their songs from my shuffle playlists. This is too "ugh" for a Friday morning. I don't want any of this lover's lament crap. I want something peppy, something happy, something up-tempo. I want something snappy. Or maybe this is iPod's way of telling me I need to provide someone a confessional by the dashboard light....or maybe I just read too much into things.

3. Ghosts, some number, one of the fours discs- Nine Inch Nails. Ironically, after thinking about how my iPod was going to crash soon, I had a problem with it freezing up after the 6th song on my shuffle playlist, so I can't go back and see exactly which track off the the album this was. I just know it was one of the more NIN-ish tracks, and it was only about 2:30 in duration. A nice rebound from the Dashboard song.

4. Torch- Alanis Morissette. So my iPod is definitely bipolar today. Back to the sad, weepy stuff. That being said, I actually like this song. I've never thought Alanis was a great singer, but I have always respected her songwriting. I don't know exactly what it is about her latest album, whether it's the fact that she seems so much less bitter now than she used to or the fact that this album is mostly about her very public breakup a couple years ago, but I really like a lot of the songs on the CD. I'll probably listen to it in full later today.

5. Ring of Fire- Johnny Cash. YES!

6. I've Got You Under My Skin- Frank Sinatra. Great song detailing how easy it can be to fall for someone you really shouldn't, even as you remind yourself what a bad idea it is. "Don't you know little fool, you never can win. Use your mentality, wake up to reality...." I'm sure stories like this go back to the beginning of time, and will continue on well after I am gone. I'm just not sure why. We all have the capacity to make the right decisions. For the most part, we know what we should do in situations such as this....but it doesn't always work out that way. All I know is, this is a subject for a lengthier post somewhere down the line.

7. Loving the Alien- Velvet Revolver. I always dug this song, but never could have told you the name of it until this morning.

8. Do Me a Favour- Arctic Monkeys.

9. One Night in Bangkok- Murray Head. I think I like the extra long intro more than I like the song.

10. Baba O'Riley- The Who. Also known as Teenage Wasteland to those who aren't fans of The Who. I have always absolutely loved this song, but I need to skip though it because it doesn't sound the same with only one ear bud in. Some songs you need to hear in stereo to get the full effect, and this is one of them.

I'm Back

I am.

Morning Music 3/16/09

As promised, here's what I started the day off with today.

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I totally randomized the playlist today (as you will see by the first song) because I didn't have anything in mind other than just getting that Patti LaBelle song out of my head. I also started it in the car on the way to work instead of at my desk. I was desperate to get rid of that song before it got any worse.
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1. Every Time (In the Zone Remix)- Britney Spears. The only Britney song I have on my iPod. I like this remix, even though I don't like the original song. They change her voice enough in this mix to make it sound kinda like a chipmunk, which is waaaay less annoying than her real voice. That being said, I think "If You Seek Amy" might make it onto my iPod sooner or later. It's starting to grow on me.

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2. Give it Away- Red Hot Chili Peppers. Been a while since I've heard this classic, and it was a very welcome surprise.

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3. Hammerhead- Offspring. I really like this song. One of the two off their new CD I listen to on a somewhat regular basis. It's pretty much a standard Offspring song, and sounds like 90% of their work since back in the day, but the guitar in this song really gets me going. Just what I need the morning following no sleep.

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4. 33 Ghosts IV- NIN. From the recently released 2-disc instrumental album. I am not used to hearing just one of these tracks at a time. Most of NINs music is best when heard from beginning of CD to the end, and even more so with this album. It's great background music for just about anything. Never too loud, never too soft....it's what we listened to in the room on NYE before hitting the casino, and everyone liked it even though I was the only NIN fan there.

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5. Stand Up- Flobots. I wasn't very impressed with this CD other than Handlebars, but the lyrics of the songs (especially this one) are somewhat thought provoking, if not a little too political for me.

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6. Flathead- The Fratellis. This is just a fun song overall. Upbeat tempo. Another good choice from Mr. iPod.

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7. Sophia- Bif Naked. Still know the words to this song. Nothing special though.

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8. Dance Floor Anthem- Good Charlotte. Definitely the song I would have chosen from them, but still not bad. I guess it's good to listen to the deeper cuts every now and again.

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9. The Crawl- Placebo. In this song the androgyny of Brian Molko is VERY apparent. At times he sounds like he should be performing at The Birdcage.

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10. Cult of Personality- In Living Colour. The perfect ending to my morning playlist. One of my favorite "get up" songs ever. This is also one of those songs that has one distinct memory tied to it that I think of every time I hear it. It's nothing that would be memorable for any reason really, but coincidentally this song was playing when it happened.

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If....You....Ask Me To

One of the great things about listening to a news radio station in the morning as I get ready for and drive to work is that I never get stupid songs I don't like stuck in my head. Except for today that is. I guess Patti LaBelle is coming to town soon, because they keep playing an ad for her on the station I listen to. As I showered this morning, they played a little bit of this song and it got firmly lodged inside my cranium.

I had intended to go iPodless today because I have a lot of work to do in preparation for the next couple days, but with that running through my head before I left for work I decided I needed a way to counteract it. Thankfully I didn't hear the radio ad on my way to work after leaving my iPod at home for the day.

So instead of a stupid song I don't like being stuck in my head, I am currently listening to Right Round by Flo Rida....a stupid song I actually like. This will surely get stuck in my head, but I am OK with that.

Since I intended to go iPodless today, there obviously wasn't going to be a shuffle post for this morning....but that has now changed and my loyal readers will be treated to at least one more post later today. I know, I know....I spoil you, but I am OK with that as well.

Marketing

I feel a little weak. I think I just got sucked into going to see Watchmen just because they used a Muse song in the last commercial I saw for it....well, that and Kelly Leak is in it.

1,000,000

....I feel a million miles away, I don't feel anything at all.

Without being too over dramatic, this is about where I am right now. Tuesday is a huge day for me and I have been stressing about it for a while now. To combat that, I needed to shut down my emotions. This is my superpower, being able to do this.

Until yesterday, I had been working on a project the likes of which the world has never seen. OK that may be a little much, but it was quite an effort for me to get this done. To do this project, I needed to tap deep into my emotions and couldn't shut them out until all the work was finished early yesterday.

Last night I suggested a friend go here and download the latest CD from Nine Inch Nails. The band has offered this as a FREE DOWNLOAD so there is no reason not to get it and listen to it at least once. This is not really what I would call a "concept album", but the songs are arranged the way they are with great purpose. I suggest you listen to it from beginning to end in one sitting to best experience The Slip.

After making the suggestion last night, I figured The Slip would make a great Friday morning CD, especially considering the lyrics up top here from the song 1,000,000. I didn't really need any motivation this morning, but it's always great to listen to NIN. Yesterday I said that Bob Dylan could do no wrong in my eyes. Trent Reznor is very much the same to me.

I've heard the two compared before and while it's not a comparison I would make, I guess I am kind of OK with it. I've said plenty of times that Conor Oberst is the closest thing I've heard to Bob Dylan since Dylan himself, but I put Reznor on the same level as Dylan and not below him as I do Oberst. Add to that the fact that the brilliance of Reznor is much different than that of Dylan, and I am just not comfortable in saying that Reznor is like Bob Dylan. It may be petty of me to be bothered by the fact that it's just the wording of the statement I have a problem with, but considering these two men are the pinnacle of lyricism to me....I don't have a problem being petty about it.

OK. Coming back from that tangent now, where I had intended to go was to say that I am constantly amazed by the way Reznor expresses feelings. The song Echoplex is a great example. It follows the biggest mainstream song (Discipline) on the album, and that's always a tough place to fit a song. This song doesn't back down or lose any value following the big hit, and in just four lines says something I have known and felt for many years, but could never find the right words to express.

I'm safe in here
irrelevant
just like they said
my voice just echoes off these walls

I consider myself somewhat of a wordsmith, but I could never come up with something like this on my own. Sixteen words. A truly insignificant amount, with an infinite reach. I can't think of anyone I know that this hasn't applied to at least once in their life. It's gems like this that always leave me wanting more NIN.

Morning Music 3/11/09

Another random playlist today.

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1. Time is Running Out- Muse. The last song I listened to last night before I went to sleep. Must have stuck with me because I wanted to hear it again this morning.

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2. Silvergun Superman- STP. I'm no Superman, but I play one at work. ;-)

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3. Scene from an Italian Restaurant- Billy Joel. I seriously laughed out loud when I heard this....all I could see was Horatio Sanz playing Billy Joel on SNL. I don't think I ever listened to this song all the way through before today, and I can see why.

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4. If You Were There, Beware- Arctic Monkeys. Love this band.

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5. When it's Over- Sugar Ray. At one point, I did have this CD. Now I only have a couple songs from it. I am not disappointed in losing most of it.

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6. Marching Bands of Manhattan- Death Cab for Cutie. A welcome change from the Sugar Ray appearance.

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7. Blue and Yellow- The Used. It's been a while since I've listened to this. I forgot how much I really liked it.

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8. Intermission- Panic! At the Disco.

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9. Brownsville Girl- Bob Dylan. Mr. Dylan is always a welcome addition to any playlist. The man can do no wrong in my eyes.

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10. The Light of a Fading Star- Floggin Molly. I can never have too much of this band in the morning. Something about them just gets me going.

My iPod Has a First Name....

Another random day, another random playlist. First ten:

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1. Vasoline- Stone Temple Pilots. As usual, the first song isn't random. I needed something to help get me going this morning, and this song sounded like a good idea at the time. I am honestly not sure how many times I have seen STP in concert, but this song plays prominently in my favorite memory from their concerts. We went to see them at Cobo when they were touring in support of Purple and they opened with this song, which was their most popular song at the time. I thought that was kinda strange, since I figured it would be in the encore, but the way they came out to the song set the tone for the rest of the concert. I couldn't imagine it going as well had they NOT opened with Vasoline.

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2. Moment of Weakness- Bif Naked. Another blast from the 90s. This was probably my favorite song on I, Bificus, which I listened to all the time when it first came out. I still like most of what is on the CD. Some albums are timeless. You can go back and listen to them and they will still sound as good to you as they did at the peak of your enjoyment with that album. This is not one of those albums. It sounds very dated to me now. The background music sounds almost canned really. The best way I could describe this song is to say it sounded like Renee Zellweger trying her best to sound like a professional singer while using a bad copy of an old No Doubt demo song as the background. That being said, the beat is nice and uptempo....which was perfect for me this morning.

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3. Wide Awake- Audioslave. Not a great song, but not terrible either. Musically I really enjoy it, but the lyrics have never done anything for me. Three solid songs to start off the playlist though. Me: Good job iPod. iPod: Thank you Michael. Me: My name isn't Michael. iPod: I know Michael, and I have repeatedly asked you to call me K.I.T.T. Me: You are an iPod, not the car from Knight Rider.... iPod: Fine. Enjoy the rest of your playlist, jerk.

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4. Song Sung Blue- Neil Diamond. Seriously? Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it's Neil Diamond, so I can't skip it.

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5. Sweet Caroline- Neil Diamond. OH COME ON! I have two Neil Diamond songs and they get played back to back in the first 4 random songs of this shuffle? Can we get a little more shuffle in this 'shuffle' here?

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6. She's My Pusher- The Crystal Method. This is more like it.

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7. Love Association- I Hate Kate. My first time really listening to this song. It's kinda weird. I'll have to give it another go later.

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8. The Judas Kiss- Metallica. After they sold out, got commercialized, and got caught up in the whole Napster ordeal a few years back I kinda was done with them. Then I heard some of the new CD, Death Magnetic. I would hesitate to say that the old Metallica is back, which can't be expected to ever happen anyway, but they definitely went back to their roots. I happily bought this CD the day it came out, and haven't been disappointed. None of the songs really stick out as great, but most of them are very good. This song here is a full 8 minutes of rocky goodness.
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9. My Only One- Plain White T's. Eh....

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10. Can't Say No- The Helio Sequence. I like this song, and this band for that matter, but not what I was looking for today.

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All in all, not bad....except for the Neil Diamond set there in the middle. I really need to make a couple playlists for days like today when I really need a jolt to get going. The first few songs were great, but Neil Diamond can kill just about anyone's mood. Believe me, I found that out in high school.

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Now onto some Flogging Molly before a podcast or two.

Spring Break 09

No classes this week.

You've Been....Thunderstruck

It seems that spring is actually on it's way. I got to take advantage of the warm weather yesterday and ride to school. The X still has a nail in the tire, so I had to coax Black Betty back to life if I wanted to ride.

Waking her up from her long winter's nap is never easy. It takes a little work, and a lot of patience. I actually began the process on Thursday because I knew I wanted to ride yesterday. Normally I wouldn't have done that, but this year someone turned off the power to my battery tender....back in early November. I knew the weak battery would not be able to hold up if I tried to get her started right away.

I'm not gonna lie, I was a little shaky when I first got her on the road yesterday. It didn't last very long though. Just outside my neighborhood there is a private drive that is somewhat twisty. Most of the buildings there are associated with the auto industry, so you really don't have to worry about traffic right now. I always warm up for a ride by taking that "shortcut" to the main road. She handled the twists better than I did, but then again she is a crazy bitch. I swear she can only say one thing, and that's "I wanna go fast".

On one of the turns I dove in pretty deep, since I was doing twice the posted speed limit of 35 mph, and felt my laptop shift in my backpack. After the turn I immediately backed off the throttle, then started laughing at myself. I am fine risking the damage to my bike if I lay down in a turn at that speed. I have no qualms putting my flesh and bone on the line in a turn like that. But heaven forbid I do anything that might hurt my precious laptop, the cheapest and easiest of the things mentioned to fix and/or replace.

It was good that I went through the twists to warm up a bit on the way to school, because less than 1/2 a mile later....emergency stop. An oncoming vehicle turned left in front of me, not seeing me until I was almost touching her fender. Thankfully I take it a little slower than normal around traffic on an early season riding day like yesterday. I know that no one expects to see bikes this early cause they are still kind of in winter riding mode. Even though I was pretty much ready for anything, she turned so late and my stop had to be so quick, that I locked up my rear which then fishtailed a bit on me. Thankfully that area of the road was dry.

Once stopped I yelled and made some gestures with my throttle hand as I downshifted back to first, and she just shrugged her shoulders at me. I guess getting to the Olive Garden was just that important to her. I wonder what her waitress was wearing. Probably basic white and cotton, but maybe it was silk, maybe something really cool that I don't even know about....

The rest of the night was really uneventful. At school we had an in-class essay, which I believe I rocked, and spent way too much time going over what will be on our quiz when we come back from spring break. I made sure to take the long way home and took Black Betty up through the twists twice more, at a slower speed this time because it was dark, because I know it'll be at least another week or two before I have her back on the road again.

Today, a thunderstorm as the cold weather moves back in. But the early taste of spring has me giddy anticipating the coming change of seasons. Tonight we lose an hour for daylight saving time, so there's no turning back now. Right?

Midnight Madness

I hear my voice of reason begging me to go to bed. Just like I'm walking on the street, I ignore and keep on going. Another few steps and I won't even remember the begger.

I'm exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Totally spent, yet I forge ahead for just a bit longer.

I'm in one of those "whoa is me" moods tonight. I should amend that and say I have been in one of those moods lately. I've had a few balancing forces to keep me on an even keel, but I know it's only a temporary fix. A band-aid. Sweeping it under the rug. The problem remains, but if it's out of sight then it's just as good as out of mind.

I'm not worried. I know that in about a week's time I will just be shutting down all emotion anyway. I have to if I hope to do well out there. I'll be fine then, but right now I want to be human. I want to feel the ebb and flow of emotions. I want to be happy, sad, excited, overwhelmed, and the rest of this emotional cocktail I've been dealing with for a while now. I want to feel this all while I have a chance.

No matter what, I will come back from my trip a different person....but I get to be me just a bit longer. I like the 'me' I've seen around here lately, it's definitely been a good run, so I'm going to take advantage of it while I still can.

Random Songs 03-06-09

Threw the iPod on shuffle this morning and picked Doesn't Remind Me by Audioslave as the first song. Listening to it usually brings a smile to my face at one point or another because there are times I'd rather think of nothing than of all the thoughts swirling in my head. This song can kinda get me to that point if I let it.

1. Doesn't Remind Me- Audioslave.

2. The Thrill is Gone- B.B. King.

3. All the Love in the World- Nine Inch Nails.

4. You're the First, the Last, My Everything- Barry White. Yes, I have the best of Barry White on my iPod. And yes, you should be jealous.

5. Thinking About You- Norah Jones. I'll never tire of her soothing, sultry voice.

6. Jumping Rooftops- Angels and Airwaves.

7. Love and Memories- O.A.R. Another "feel good" song for me. Good job iPod.

8. The Last Fight- Velvet Revolver. One of my favorite tunes from the "super group".

"Breaking the chains of featherweights and giants

With the stain forever lasting liars

There afraid when we spit out the fire

And start living

living

living my friend"

Gotta love it.

9. Hound Dog- Elvis Presley. Not a favorite, but still not bad.

10. Call Me When You're Sober- Evanescence. I used to have a crush on Amy Lee (I surely wasn't alone there) and I still enjoy listening to her sing, no matter the subject. Here, the strength of character in her words makes it even better.

Image Selection: Kind of ironic really. I decided that I would use a random pic as the lead today, so I decided to do a google image search for "random" and I would use the picture located in the 5th spot of the 3rd row on the 9th page of the search results since today is the 5th day of the 3rd month of 09. At least that's what my post title said until just now. I thought it was the 5th until I looked at my watch just a minute ago. I've changed the post title, but I think the image needs to stay since I've decided that I need to just go with the coincidences in my life lately, and not question them too much.

St Jimmy

When my hair gets a little long, I start to look like Jimmy Neutron. It's something I've used in the past to gauge when I need to get my next haircut. The last few days I've been sporting the Neutron look for a different reason, lack of hair product. More precisely, the hair product I normally use. The gel I have as a backup just in case I run out of the normal stuff isn't so great i guess....but I keep forgetting to stop at the store on my way home from work or school. Hopefully this will serve as a reminder for me when I leave today.

Something caught my attention at school on Tuesday and even though it was applicable, it was not the onion booty. I saw a flyer posted for a school sponsored creative writing contest. The last couple months that is the only kind of writing I can do. My English professor is having fits about that actually. She really likes the way I write, but cannot stand the fact that I tend to stray off the path of the assignment. Actually straying is the wrong word. Sometimes I jump right off the path immediately and blaze my own.

So even though I am running late for class the other day, I stopped to check out this flyer. I was very interested as I read over it, until I saw the due date. March 3rd. Yep, submissions needed to be in by that afternoon. I was like 30 minutes past the deadline already. Oh well, guess I will just have to keep an eye out at school for the winning submission and see how it stacks up to my writing. I kinda hope it's a lot better than something I would write for a contest, that way it wouldn't matter that I didn't get one in. If it's not, I will be unreasonably harsh on myself for walking past that cork board all semester and not noticing the flyer sooner.

Dark Side of the Morning

Although I still get to work more than an hour before the sun rises here, I have noticed that it is beginning to get light out earlier than a few weeks ago. We may be finally coming out of this winter, which has seemed to drag on forever.

While I begin the day on the dark side at least 5 days out of the week, I am definitely a child of the sun. The pigment in my skin illustrates this in the warmer months, easily bronzing if I spend any time at all outside. This is a nod to my father's Native American heritage, which I appreciate much more than the easily burned skin associated with my mother's Irish background.

Being a creature of the sun I like to shine as brightly as I can, as often as I can. Not in an overpowering, attention seeking way...but in a way that can be appreciated by many, even if it goes unnoticed. Whether it's smiling at a stranger who briefly looks up from their feet as they walk toward me or cracking a silly joke to a coworker who is having a bad day, I like to spread the shine I hold within me. But like anything other than the sun, including the moon which looks so beautiful at times because it reflects the shine of the sun, I also have a dark side.

I am a very balanced person in almost every regard, and my dark side is no exception. As brightly as I can shine at any given moment, I also have a drastic dark side to maintain the balance. I have this dark side completely under control nowadays, and never let anyone see much of it at all. Yet it remains.

Sometimes I am thankful for my dark side. I can tap into it for creative purposes, or it can give me great perspective by showing me how bad things could really be in a given situation. I'd have to guess that anyone who is as much of an optimist as I am must have a very controlled, yet very dark side. No good without evil, no right without wrong, and no light without dark.

While this album, which I regard as one of the top three most important albums in history, is not really dark, the title kind of stuck out to me this morning. It's been a while since I gave it a good listen, so here it is helping me get through the morning. Helping me transition from the darkest part of my day to the brightest.

The One With the Letter

A few months back I came to somewhat of a personal crossroad in my life. Everything has been so much better for me since then, but I wrote myself a letter that night and don't remember ANYTHING that I wrote in it. It has been sealed ever since. I think it's time to see what I had to say back then.

Spoiler: I hate to be a tease (well, not really), but I probably won't say anything about it again after this.

I'm (not so) Wide Awake It's Morning

I may have gotten more hours of sleep, and better sleep at that, last night than I did on Sunday, but I feel a lot more tired tonight. After such a busy Monday with work and school, I still felt strangely unfulfilled. Thinking too much about how the work/school/work/school pattern was going to be my life for the next few years kinda got to me. I've got so far to go, and have only just begun.

Connor Oberst always has some words of wisdom for me, even though he's a little more than 3 years younger than me, so I turned to I'm Wide Awake It's Morning by Bright Eyes today to get going. I'd say this is my second favorite of his works, with Cassadaga being my favorite, but it has a few songs that I really want to listen to right now, with Lua being at the top of that list.

Dream Commute

I had hoped to embed a great video of what I dreamed last night, but the embedding has been disabled, AND the song Map of the Problematique by Muse (which was definitely in the dream) has also been disabled due to a copyright issue. Nevertheless, here is a link to the video I wanted to post, but with a different song.

This is how I got to work in a dream I had last night, although I definitely was not wearing a helmet, and I don't think I was wearing anything like the suit that makes this all possible.

Cause I Had a Bad Day....

Ever have one of those days where every little thing goes wrong? My afternoon was like that today. I set my alarm a little earlier than normal for a between work and school nap so I could get a few things done before going to class. The one thing I really wanted to take care of took longer than expected, so I was rushing to get out the door. Guinness threw up in the kitchen on the way to letting he and Kira out, and after I let them in I dropped all the food I wasn't putting in their bowls onto the floor. I finally get everything cleaned up and head out the door....without my winter coat, because I left that in Cleveland last weekend, and without my cash. No food or drink for me in class tonight, ugh.

After I get around the slow people as I leave my neighborhood, I take the turn onto a Ford Rd and traffic is jammed before I even get off the ramp. I know full well that the people who live around me can't drive, but it doesn't often lead to a major traffic jam because of an accident. At least I got a decent picture of the day out of it.

Somehow I got to class just before it started, picked up my quiz (the second one I did NOT get an A on in that class), and was a contributing member of the class like normal. I just had no desire to be there, or in the class afterward.

Now it's time to wrap up this, my third post of the day, and hit the hay. I never got out one of the posts I had planned for today, so tomorrow might be another multiple post day. Stay tuned.

PS: This post actually went up Tuesday morning because as I was finishing it up, my laptop refused to connect to my wireless network, even though my desktop was working on it just fine. Gotta love irony.

Scatterbrained

While my brain was bubbling over with random ideas to bring up here on my way to work, most have since subsided into the recesses of my mind. But seeing as I never shy away from talking about anything at all, I will start somewhere and probably end up somewhere entirely different.

First, an observation. The Pistons have strung together two victories for the first time in quite a while from what I can recall. Two road victories at that, Against Orlando and Boston. Even though Boston was without KG, we are still the first Eastern Conference team to beat them at home this year. Iverson has been out the last two games, and Rip is back in the starting lineup. He has scored 56 over those two games. Now I don't mind having the dilemma of three solid, near all-star caliber guards to choose from on the team, but maybe this is not just a coincidence. I respect AI's game and believe he is still a great talent, but I am not so sure he is really the linchpin this team needs. He is certainly nowhere near as good of a fit for team chemistry as Chauncey was.

Until Friday night, every game I had watched since the trade just didn't resemble Piston basketball to me. Most nights it seemed that the team hadn't even practiced for the game. It was all very sloppy, and kinda like a pick-up game. We have some great talent on this team, but as we showed the Lakers in 2004 (yes, five years ago now), having the most talent on the court is not a guarantee to win. I attributed the apparent lack of preparation to the coaching staff, but after watching the team play with Rip in the starting lineup, maybe The Answer is to have AI come off the bench. Something needs to be addressed, and quickly. The playoffs are fast approaching, and we are a .500 team. After 6 years of making it to the Eastern Conference Finals, we are on the verge of completely missing the playoffs.

So watching the basketball game at home pretty much describes my Friday night, well that and being jealous that I had some friends in Chicago for the weekend and I was stuck at home. Saturday wasn't much different than Friday, except it was watching the Wings get BLOWN OUT in Nashville (which is in Kentucky I guess when I get angry and complain about hockey) and I wasn't at home all night because Mark and I actually left the house for a few hours. We had planned to meet up with four friends at a bar that another friend works at, but no one else showed....not even our friend who was supposed to work that night. After one for me, and two or three for Mark, we headed to Xochilmilco's to get some real Mexican food. Unfortunately it wasn't as good as usual, but it still beat any other Mexican option around here that I know of.

After Xochi's, Paul came over and played a little XBox while we talked and I made sure he didn't steal my Criminal Procedure book. Got a few texts from my friends in Chicago which really made me regret not being out there, then went to bed a lot later than I should have.

Yesterday I did something I never would have done before the economy hit the fan....I turned down going to dinner at Melting Pot. It was hard to say no when Denise called and asked if I wanted to go, but staying in with pizza to watch Old School and Talladega Nights seemed the smarter option for me.

I retired early last because I had a couple people to catch up with, and were better to do that than in the friendly confines of my always comfy bed? One person never answered the phone, and the other kept me up past my bedtime again over IM. After a couple hours of restless sleep in which I was constantly talking aloud to my dogs for some reason, I rolled into work a little tired. Hopefully when I get out of here I will have enough juice to make it to the gym, instead of crashing for a nap before class tonight.

Definitely Maybe

Here is the first of what I fully to expect to be three posts today. Little time to sleep leaves more time for the mind to wander, and my mind has been bending in all sorts of directions lately.

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Over the weekend, I uploaded a few of Mark's CDs to my iTunes account and this was one of them. It's been years since I have listened to this album, and I'm glad I am finally doing it again. I liked Oasis from the first time I heard them, and I still do. I have been to two concerts this winter, and other than my usual Flogging Molly pilgrimage (which is yet another post I need to get up, so maybe 4 today?) was the Oasis concert. Ironically, I had to drive through a pretty bad snowstorm for each concert. In the end, both were worth it. Definitely, not Maybe.

Floating Through the Morning

Even before we went to Cleveland to see them last week, which I still need to post about, I had a hard time getting the song Float out of my head. Today that led to me listening to the whole album as I got everything ready today. There isn't a song on this album that I dislike, so the morning has gone by pretty quick so far.

Morning Music, 2-25-09

While driving home from a later night out than I had expected with my friend Kelley, I had my iPod on shuffle as usual. The last song to start playing as I was pulling up to my house was Fidelity. I didn't finish listening to it, and I guess that stuck with me through the night because I really wanted to hear it when I got to work. Considering I like the whole CD, it's currently playing in my ear as I get everything started for the day.

Studiousness

I've learned the hard way that my brain is no longer the information sponge that it used to be. While my memorization skills seem to be about the same as they always have been, my stamina for studying has been severely limited. I used to be able to study for hours on end without breaks and exhibit an extremely high level of retention. Today, I was completely burned out after about 90 minutes. I am very confident that I got enough out of my studying to have gotten an A on the test I took today, but the immediate recall I am used to just wasn't there.

Now, instead of studying for my second test tonight I am here lamenting the fact that I can't study like I used to. Strange, but not completely counterproductive. Getting things out of my head and onto this blog seems to help me relax. As an outlet, this little free blog has been invaluable to me. I constantly edit and critique pretty much anything I write. Essays, short stories, e-mails....everything. Here, I put it out there and let it go. No stressing about grammar, spell checking, or editing. While what I put here cannot rival the quality of my better work, in some ways this blog is even better. With certain restrictions on my personal and work information, I will put pretty much anything here. This is truly a window into my mind. I'm not afraid to be self critical (see Evil), or discuss my crazy dreams or the effect my fears have had on me as I have in the last few posts.

For someone without much of a filter to begin with, these posts can let me unleash the few things I do filter.

10 Random Songs

I didn't have a certain CD or playlist in mind today, so I selected the first song and let Mr iPod choose the rest. Here's what my little buddy chose for me today:

1. The Good Left Undone- Rise Against. Like I said, I chose the first song. I can't stop listening to this song lately, so it seemed a good place to start.
2. Tell Me Baby- Red Hot Chili Peppers.
3. Houses of the Holy- Led Zeppelin.
4. Pimp Juice- Nelly. It's a good thing no one was around when this came on....I'm sure I looked like a fool dancing down the hallways.
5. 5 Ghosts I- Nine Inch Nails.
6. Smalltown Boy- Bronski Beat.
7. Dangerous- Ying Yang Twins w/Wyclef. Helping further my man crush on Wyclef
8. Like a Rolling Stone- Bob Dylan.
9. Secret Spell- Tori Amos
10. Let This Go- Paramore

And I have to note that the 11th song was In a Big Country, which has got to be one of my favorite songs (if not my absolute favorite) from the 80s.

Overall a decent mix. Good enough to get me through my boring setup work and now give me a chance to listen to a podcast or two.

Morning Music, Interrupted

Today's CD selection is Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace by the Foo Fighters.

While I normally fly through my setup work in the morning while listening to an album, sometimes I get derailed....and so does the music. I haven't had a chance to complete today's yet, which is too bad. It's been a while since I listened to all of Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace and I definitely need a fresh perspective on it.

As with all Foo Fighter albums, I like this one....but am not blown away by it. Maybe I listen to too many concept albums, maybe I am just not 'getting' all the material on here. There is no arguing that this is quality work, but I think I just expect too much from them and that usually ends in disappointment for me.

One of the things I have noticed about my impression of each Foo Fighters album is that, to me, there is always one song that stands way above the rest when compared to the other tracks. In this case, the album starts off with that song (The Pretender) and, to me, just cannot keep up that pace, even though there are a couple of great songs bridging that first track and the rest of the album.

I was hoping that taking it in as a whole today would help me listen to it better, but will now have to make plans to do it some other time.

Monday Morning Music Selection

How about a little Vampire Weekend to kick off my very human work week?

Confession: I listened to the last track (The Kids Don't Stand a Chance) before playing the album from the beginning. Couldn't help it. I'm too into that song right now.

Fears

I've never been affected much by irrational fears. As far back as I can remember, there has always been a few people in my life that are. My mother has a sometimes crippling fear of heights....anything higher than the second story gets her into a panic mode. When staying in a hotel, she has to request a floor no higher than the 3rd if she plans on getting any sleep at all. When I planned my wedding in Vegas she was happy to be going out there again after so many years, but while most of us planned plane rides of about 4 hours to get there she was making reservations for an overnight train ride.

Thankfully my father doesn't have any real fears. He's not great on a plane either, but when your first plane ride was compliments of the government because you "won" the draft lottery and were being shipped to Viet Nam, I can see why it might bring back some bad memories. Regardless, my father fights sucks it up and gets on the plane no matter what. Just another reason I am happy to have him as a role model. I know that I was indeed a real winner in the parent lottery.

On the way home from dinner with my parents tonight, I listened to a song that I realized late last night had a LOT of meaning to me recently. I've been enjoying the song the last few months, but last night as I was half listening to it while doing something else, one of the lyrics caught my attention. Then I listened to the rest and had an OMG moment. Had I written a song about what has been going on in my head these last few months, it would have been just like this song.

So tonight I hear this song and another light bulb goes on. The dreams that have been the worst for me the last week or so are very much like the ones Wolverine has in X-Men, as I previously posted, but the strongest link other than the flashback type layout of the dreams is that I am under water for many of the worst parts. I do have somewhat of an irrational fear myself, and that is a fear of drowning.

It's definitely not a fear of water. When I learned to body board as a young teen I became nearly hypothermic because I was in the water long enough to effect my core temperature. And here I thought I was always warmer than the average human. So the fear is more of a suffocation fear, and not a drowning fear, but the easiest place to suffocate is in the water. I know I realized this when I was young. I always loved the water, but there was always that risk there in the back of my head....maybe that's what actually drew me to the water. I don't know.

It took me a long time to properly learn how to swim, but when I made my mind up to do it correctly, I learned to be the strongest swimmer I could possibly be, including how to counteract rip currents and undertow....which came in handy more than once in my life. While on spring break in Daytona Beach during my senior year of high school I took my bodyboard out just before a storm hit. The waves were huge for that part of the Atlantic, and the currents and undertow were pretty extreme. Long story short, I got caught in the undertow after a huge wave broke unexpectedly overtop of me and I was dragged along the sandy bottom for about a minute, after having the wind knocked out of me by the crashing wave.

At first it was sheer terror, but that was very brief. Once I realized the situation, I became very calm and remembered to swim parallel to the shore to break free of the current. My problem after that was summoning the strength to do so after having all my breath and strength sapped from my body as I was slammed from the crest of a 15 foot wave to the bottom of the ocean. I finally clawed and swam my way free of the undertow, grabbed my board, and went for a long walk along the shore. For years, I had a light scar on my shoulder from the sand scraping off my skin as I was dragged further out to sea, but looking now for the first time in a LONG time, I couldn't even tell you which shoulder it was.

Hopefully now that I realize my fear is not of the water itself, my nightmares involving water will be less intense. Hopefully, as I look forward to another night of abbreviated sleep, I will be able to handle them the same way I would handle another run-in with a strong undertow. Be calm, and work your way out of the situation.

I use that mantra in my day-to-day life, why not apply it to my dreams as well?

In Dreams, Vol VII

Post number 150. I've been doing this blog for almost 4 years now, and this is my 150th post. Not setting any land speed records here am I?

So lately I have been having some weird nightmares. I just found out the other day that there is a Wolverine movie coming out. I guess I was the only one who didn't know. I am excited to see the movie, but I think my subconscious is taking it a bit far. The dreams I have been having lately are very much like the nightmares Wolverine had in X-Men about being made into what he was. It's been very intense and pretty scary. I don't have many nightmares, and have never handled them well when they do invade my nights as it is....but these are much stronger than normal nightmares and involve all sorts of horrible things with all sorts of people I know.

I don't know much about night terrors, and if there are even dreams associated with them or not, but I can't imagine they could be much worse than the way I feel when I wake up suddenly from one of these dreams. I've come out of my slumber swinging at someone from a dream, running from someone, jumping from a rooftop, and yelling at the top of my lungs....and that may all have been in the same night.

No matter how I wake up, I always have the same physical symptoms; I am sweating and my heart is racing. Pounding so hard that it's as if I just ran a 100 yard dash. Usually I can calm myself down pretty quickly and go back to sleep, but it is a little more distressing each time it happens in a night. Some nights I've avoided going to sleep because I know it's going to happen, but it's not like I can function without sleep. I think everyone knows that I would if I could, but I guess I'll just have to deal with it until my mind settles down.

Start Me Up

This morning's soundtrack: Black Holes and Revelations by Muse.
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Seems to be a perfect album to start off this Thursday.

Complaints

Everybody complains from time to time, I fully admit I do it myself here and there, but sometimes it's just too much. Some people complain about everything they can, going out of their way to look for every little thing they can find to point out as bad or wrong. Sometimes these people find very legitimate complaints and in telling someone about it will actually benefit others.
My question: Are these occasional instances where it is helpful enough to make up for all the other benign stuff they gripe about?

My answer: Not today.

The day started off pretty much as it usually does, with my alarm clocks going off so much earlier than I would like, but progressed pretty well from there. By the time I was shaving, I was already being goofy....and for the benefit of no one other than myself, since the house was empty other than my dogs and myself. Now, I wasn't in a "dancing in the mirror" mood....but it was still nice to be in a playful mood as I got ready for work.

It seems the dogs picked up on my attitude, as they both wrestled with a few toys, wrestled with each other, and attempted to wrestle with me. They bounced around the house for most of the time I was getting ready, and Kira wanted to play peek-a-boo with me again. That's the best way I can describe it really. She lays on her back, puts her paws behind her ears, then brings them forward so they cover her eyes, before she extends her legs all the way out toward me as if she's asking for a hug. It's pretty effing adorable. I tried to get a picture of it, but my camera was in the other room and all I had was my cell phone.
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So even though I didn't sleep too well last night, I was still in a good mood on my way to work. When I got to work I was faced with a couple problems. These problems impact everyone briefly, but would have a bigger impact on my morning than just about anyone else. Even with that I was still in a good mood walking in. I do what I can to address the problems, and find out they should be taken care of rather quickly.
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With that out of the way I settle in for my early morning duties, and hear nothing but complaints for the next 1/2 hour. One person was basically yelling about it as she walked in. She was the straw that broke the camel's back. My good mood was gone, my headache had begun to set in. I now have a full blown headache because I also fielded a few calls with complaints and a text message conversation about a complaint as well.
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Lunch can't get here quick enough. I could use some food and time to relax.

Swagger

I think I've had lower levels of testosterone the last couple weeks while I was sick and/or unable to sleep. I woke up this morning a lot more refreshed than I should have been from a couple hours of restless sleep, and actually feeling more like myself. I can almost feel the testosterone coursing through my veins at this point. It feels good to be normal again.

I know I have swung the other way a few times in the last couple years, where I am a lot more aggressive than normal in many aspects, but this is the first time I can recall that I've felt this kind of drop for this long. I guess it makes sense, having the flu, which then turned into bronchitis, then not being able to stay asleep for an entire week after that will probably have an effect on your body. I also fell behind in school for a while because I didn't feel like studying, and nothing seemed to stick when I did.

I studied a lot more than I normally would have for a quiz I had last Monday. With a very precise study guide, and being told exactly what the essay questions was going to be nearly a week in advance. I knew exactly what to expect on the quiz. I got a B-. Unheard of. I could get a B- in most classes not even showing up for lectures and doing some light studying for tests. No doubt I should have gotten an A, but the material just wasn't there when I tried to recall it.

I've now caught up with all the material needed for the class, and was actually told by the professor at one point that I needed to give others in the class a chance to speak during our discussions....even though they were slowing us down. With the slow pace of class, we didn't get to finish what we had scheduled for the night, so I am actually ahead in the material again.

I'm sure as the day goes on, the lack of restful sleep will catch up to me and I'll grow tired. But to feel as good as I do right now is a nice change.

Flu

So instead of sitting in class taking notes and learning, I am sitting at home sneezing, coughing, hurting, and sweating....I've only had the flu a handful of times, but it's completely knocked me on my ass each time. If I didn't HAVE to go to work, I would have called in sick the last two days. Going to class, which is something I enjoy, has fallen by the wayside because of this sickness. Sleep has been even more elusive than usual, since all I do is shiver or sweat when under the covers.

I miss the days when I could just take some cough syrup with codeine and completely sleep through the flu.

NIN

Nine Inch Nails LiTS Victoria BC from senada bojku on Vimeo.

2009

Happy New Year. Hope everyone is enjoying national hangover day.

A new year is always cause for resolutions, and while I try not to get caught up in all that too much....it's not a bad idea. Wanting to do something more or better in your life is a wonderful thing....regardless of how it works out practically. You will never do any of these things if you don't try, so trying it even for a week or two is a lot better than nothing. Nowadays I kinda view resolutions as a freeroll, and ANYone can tell you that I love me some freerolls.

So the resolutions I have are kind of simple. Going back to last year's resolutions, here, I am continuing with my pic-a-day thing. I successfully completed my task of taking at least one picture every day of 2008, and will probably now continue that until I am unable to take pictures anymore. I'll try to post more of the pics here, and more likely on facebook, but I make no promises about posting the pics. Facebook is the better way for me to go with the pics because I'm honestly not comfortable posting pics of myself here where anybody and their mother can see them and save them.

As for the other resolution I tried last year, watching and reviewing the top 52 movies as voted by users on the IMDB top 250, I'm not going to try that exactly again....but I will be making an attempt to see as many of the top 50 that I haven't seen yet.

New to this year is a weight one. I've done the weight loss thing a few times over the years with mixed success. This time it is clear that I need to do more to keep myself in check. I'm going to start posting my weight here pretty regularly as a way to keep tabs on myself and hold myself accountable. I hit 244 a couple weeks ago. The most I have ever weighed in my life. 240 was always that magical number that I would never let myself hit....until it happened. Now I'm dropping it and will try and make each 10 lb increment my new magic number as I drop below it. I'm currently at 238 and working my way down to 230.

Now it's time to be lazy while I still allow myself to be. Going to check and see if Full Tilt is still giving away the 3x points today and watch the NHL winter classic.